I picked the kids up from school the other night ready for certain doom.
It was grocery night and K had to work late.
I was fairly confident that taking the kids to the market by myself, attempting to feed them at the market cafe AND completing the family shopping was asking too much.
When I got them settled in the car, I tried to prime them for good behavior by explaining everything we needed to do and asking for their help.
The Rooster pledged her support, but when I asked The Mayor, he demonstrated his new found spelling ability and said,
"N-O! N-O! N-O!"
[Look! Hell and a handbasket are headed straight for one another!]
I took a deep breath and responded to The Mayor,
My children were laughing too hard to remember to be belligerent about the way we had to spend our evening.
"Then you'll have to clean up all the spider poop in the world, ...with your tongue!"
"Eeeeew, GROSS!" my children squealed, laughing with delight.
"I'll make you SWALLOW the spider poop," The Mayor threatened.
"I'll throw it up all over you!" I countered.
"I'll make it into a suit made of vomit and dress you in it," he said.
"Then I'll give you a BIG hug and squeeze you tightly against my new vomity, spider poo clothes!"
The Mayor also kept trying to puzzle out how much spider poop exists in the world, where it is located and how one might actually lick it up.
When we got to the market, I decided to see if I could continue to work the poop angle in my favor.
"I know!" I said. "Let's pretend that everything we need to buy at the market is some kind of animal poop and it's our job to decide what animal made the poop!"Oh. My. Got.
I am a BONAFIDE genius.
String beans? [Snake poop.]
Cous cous? [Mouse poop.]
Peas? [Alligator poop.]
[And so on.]
This kept my butt obsessed children entertained for the entire grocery shopping experience.
[And it was only mildly embarrassing when other shoppers turned to stare as we loaded up our cart with poop produced by baby dolls, humans, hippos, weasels, monkeys and the rest of the animal kingdom. ]
When we arrived home, K was waiting for us.
"How did it go?" he said, expecting the worst.I smiled and said,
"It was actually fun."