Thursday, February 26, 2009

Poop Saves The Day

I picked the kids up from school the other night ready for certain doom.

It was grocery night and K had to work late.

I was fairly confident that taking the kids to the market by myself, attempting to feed them at the market cafe AND completing the family shopping was asking too much.

When I got them settled in the car, I tried to prime them for good behavior by explaining everything we needed to do and asking for their help.

The Rooster pledged her support, but when I asked The Mayor, he demonstrated his new found spelling ability and said,

"N-O! N-O! N-O!"

[Look! Hell and a handbasket are headed straight for one another!]

I took a deep breath and responded to The Mayor,

"Then you'll have to clean up all the spider poop in the world, ...with your tongue!"

"Eeeeew, GROSS!" my children squealed, laughing with delight.

"I'll make you SWALLOW the spider poop," The Mayor threatened.

"I'll throw it up all over you!" I countered.

"I'll make it into a suit made of vomit and dress you in it," he said.

"Then I'll give you a BIG hug and squeeze you tightly against my new vomity, spider poo clothes!"

My children were laughing too hard to remember to be belligerent about the way we had to spend our evening.

The Mayor also kept trying to puzzle out how much spider poop exists in the world, where it is located and how one might actually lick it up.

When we got to the market, I decided to see if I could continue to work the poop angle in my favor.
"I know!" I said. "Let's pretend that everything we need to buy at the market is some kind of animal poop and it's our job to decide what animal made the poop!"
Oh. My. Got.

I am a BONAFIDE genius.

String beans? [Snake poop.]

Cous cous? [Mouse poop.]

Peas? [Alligator poop.]

[And so on.]

This kept my butt obsessed children entertained for the entire grocery shopping experience.

[And it was only mildly embarrassing when other shoppers turned to stare as we loaded up our cart with poop produced by baby dolls, humans, hippos, weasels, monkeys and the rest of the animal kingdom. ]

When we arrived home, K was waiting for us.
"How did it go?" he said, expecting the worst.
I smiled and said,
"It was actually fun."

41 comments:

Mrs. B. Roth said...

You really really are a genius. I bow down in awe.

Merrily Down the Stream said...

Oh sh*t that was a good one!!

Anonymous said...

purely awesomeness.

justmylife said...

You are the coolest mom! My mom would have never thought of that and neither would I. I bow down to your greatness.

Domestic Extraordinaire said...

I will be waiting for you to take over the world. Isn't that what geniuses do?

kittenpie said...

You ARE a genius! Talk about making lemons into, um, seal poop.

heartatpreschool said...

That is absolutely brilliant.

You are my hero.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I might have to try this tactic myself! I do find that shopping with my two kids alone is less stressful than throwing my husband in the mix! Oh...I mean...my 40 year old child!

mo.stoneskin said...

I can relate to The Mayor. I've often wondered how much spider poop exists in the world, where it is located and how one might actually lick it up.

natasha the exile on Mom Street said...

I tip my hat to your genius.

You are a black-belt Momma.

WILLIAM said...

Just what the hell were you buying that could be considered Hippo Poop?

deb said...

You are gross and a genius. I wish I'd thought of something like that. Sounds like they had a great time.

The Sour Kraut said...

Brilliant!!

I thought the only solution was yelling and making it worse.

Jessica said...

Brilliant mothering and fantastic writing, as usual. Keep up the good work.

Patois said...

I am so glad I'm not the only one to resort to such low-class actions.

JoeinVegas said...

OH, I'll never be able to eat peas or green beans without thinking of this . .

Holly said...

Clever!

furiousBall said...

i'm going to name every pet after you from now on

Leendaluu said...

Everybody poops. I don't know WHY the other shoppers were amazed.... by the way, if you DON'T have the book Everybody poops, get thee to a Borders, now!

nutmeg said...

Sounds like a freaking diet plan to me!

Elisa said...

ok, wow. So this is how moms of boys survive toddlerhood :-) Brilliant. And gross. But still genius.

Anonymous said...

Hats off to you and silliness. It frequently saves the day. Love, Grandma Seattle.

Annie said...

Definitely the mark of genius right there!

liliannattel said...

Hats off. That is genius.

Denguy said...

What a load of crap!

Magpie said...

you are a genius.

MetroDad said...

Quite possibly the greatest parenting hack of all time! Already filed it into the database. It really does take a village.

Vodka Mom said...

I have just OFFICIALLY promoted you to kindergarten teacher. You will be GREAT!! (Cover for me Monday- I'm planning a sick day...)

mythoughtsonthat said...

Great idea! With an 8 year old boy in the house, I am always looking for new ideas!

Dory said...

THAT? Was sheer BRILLIANCE.

I am wearing my sunglasses to protect me from your glow.

Dory

Maureen said...

omg. You really need to write a parenting book.

Either that, or a children's book about poop.

therextras said...

Brilliant!

Kellyology said...

See...now this is why I love you. You're not afraid to get down and dirty with the little one's.:)

Expatriate Chef said...

I'll store this one for emergency use. :)

apathy lounge said...

You have much wisdom to offer us, O Poophead.

nonlineargirl said...

You definitely win the "best use of poop" parenting award.

Liam's Mom said...

I've known for a really long time that you are a BONAFIDE genius. Kudos on the poop wars.

Klin said...

Great idea! Very clever mom, very clever.

fruitlady said...

I here by bow down to your geniosity! I have long claimed the grocery store as a place that only a mommy can go. It was reserved for me and only me. Had I thought of this trick I may have not had to eat so much cereal in between trips.

Kristine said...

Oh.My.God. You really are an effing genius!

I bow down to you and your parenting skills!

iphone glass replacement said...

you are just genius and what i can i say you are just brilliant.