Friday, December 12, 2008

Trust Fall

I tossed and turned in bed.

When I realized that I was intermittently whimpering, I finally threw the covers off and got up.

I crept into The Rooster's room and climbed awkwardly into her toddler bed.

I had been having one of those awful dreams, the kind where something terrible, devastating, something permanently bad, happens to one of your children.

I couldn't shake it off and I was full of fear.

I needed to see her, to watch the simple rise and fall of her breath.

Though she was deeply asleep, she flipped about in the bed trying to get comfortable.

There really isn't enough room for me in a toddler bed.

Eventually, she settled into the curve of my body.

Her arm curled itself around my chin and her hand settled on my cheek.

She stuck her little foot in my hand.

I stayed there, holding her, until I was sure of her again.

This morning, when I dropped her off at school, she stood at the glass door waving at me as I walked back to our car.

As the distance grew between us, I couldn't help sighing, resigning myself to the way parenting is such an incredible leap of faith every single day.


28 comments:

Sue at nobaddays said...

Yes, how true. Every day.

WILLIAM said...

OH snap! That Random Number generator is a ho. Cheating on me like that.

Vodka Mom said...

Yep. It's a tough, tough journey. Not for the faint of heart.

mo.stoneskin said...

Naw (to avoid any confusion, that is an endearing, sympathetic sigh).

Bet you woke up with a cricked neck after the tiny toddler bed scrunched your frame...

Most nights I lean over our baby girl's Moses basket to hear her breathing.

She must sense it because often her eyes bolt open.

Probably me leaning over makes its way into her dream - her unintellible yet very real baby thoughts probably go "Arrgh something is lingering over me"!!

Avitable said...

Sweet hairy Jesus I finally won something!

Jennifer said...

I think the universe knows that I am not cut out for that. I think my fear would turn into a paralyzing thing for me and bad thing for my child.
So I obsess about my dogs instead!

Merrily Down the Stream said...

Mmmmmm, I feel you Girlie.

Bon said...

tears in my eyes. such a leap of faith and so fragile, oh yes.

this was beautiful.

Gretchen said...

Parenting isn't for pansies.

Every morning - rain, shine, sleet, snow, negative windchills - I stand out at the bus stop and wave my children good-bye.

Every morning.

Just in case.

Above Average Joe said...

The Champ snuck into bed with me this morning and laced his hand with mine. I'm not sure which one of us felt more secure.

Catizhere said...

Thank GOD Maggie has a twin bed. I spend more time in there than in my own bed.

Don Mills Diva said...

Wow.

This was just beautiful and so true. To parent is to relinquish control of your own happiness, really. The sum total of my joy is now dependent on my son and that is scary...

Ali said...

it is sooo, so true. every single day.

and sometimes i try to get in bed with my kids but they are way too kicky, even in their sleep. heh.,

Leslie said...

So, so true. I was having similar thoughts just today.

Sabrae said...

Man it makes me want kids... just not ready to be patient with them yet! Beautiful story! :)

catherine said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

Julissa

www.hairweavingbasics.com

catherine said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

Julissa

www.hairweavingbasics.com

Patois said...

Amazing how we can fit together, like pieces of a puzzle, in a little toddler bed.

therextras said...

Well said. Absolutely.

motherbumper said...

You captured that feeling so well. Some days I just don't want to let her go (I'm going to be a mess when she starts at the big school next September). Beautiful post OTJ.

Anissa Mayhew said...

Oh yes, I know this one all too well. You just wrote it so much more beautifully.

blue milk said...

Nicely put. I am finding parenthood very bitter sweet at the moment, all the letting go which has to happen while simultaneously falling deeper in love with the moment.

PT-LawMom said...

Awww. I have had those moments. And our babies are just so precious. It seems like they know when we need comfort and just how to do it. That hand on the cheek is just the best. Mine makes little breathy sighs in his sleep. Love it. Hope your babies and mine stay safe (from the big stuff, at least) forever.

Amanda said...

A giant weight on your chest, some days it is fears (blessedly) unrealized, others it's a joy so great it takes heavy root inside.

Beautiful.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I have had those dreams. They seem so real....that is the hardest part!

Here's hoping you have some easy days coming your way! :)

Leon Basin said...

Awww!

Janet said...

It is a giant leap of faith, isn't it? Some days I'm surprised I can get out of bed.

Pasifik said...

Nice story. Would you provide with pictures next time?


Happy blogging,

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