Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Poseidon's Revenge

Over the weekend we went to a "progressive party."

[All political ideologies were welcome, the progressive part was about location.]

At the first house, there were appetizers and unlimited piles of steamed and raw oysters.

The second house featured a lowcountry boil.

Dessert, three perfect pecan pies, a masterpiece trifle and coffee, awaited us at the last house.

As soon as I arrived, I grabbed an apron, a glove and a knife and began shuckin' like a madwoman.

I proceeded to eat my body weight in steamed oysters.

When my friend Joe suggested that we go slurp down a few raw ones, I started to get a reputation.

"Jessica!" my friend Caroline said, "You've been eating oysters non-stop since they came out!"

[The polite, southern way to say, "Yo, oyster ho."]

[Oh, but they were so BRINEY and delicious!]So I made a gigantic oyster pig of myself.

[Ettiquette schmettiquette.]

I kept grinning at our hosts, drunk on Oyster brine, slurring,

"Thish ish the greatesht party!"
I was one happy-ass honky.

HOW. EVER.

I tossed and turned all night, waking up at what seemed like fifteen minute intervals.

I dreamt of sandy, dry places.

In the morning, I woke up to discover that during the night I had turned into Lot's Wife.

I was nothing but a desiccated, leathery old hag of a woman living in a dried and waterless body.

If I had walked out into a pasture, cows would have gathered 'round and licked me.

A salt hangover?

Are you kidding me?

I am officially old as dirt.

[Where's my water pill...]



18 comments:

K and/or K said...

I discovered the delight of raw oysters this spring and now I am hooked! Yum!

JCK said...

Oh..what I would give for those gulf coast oysters...salt bloat float and all.

Backpacking Dad said...

I totally had a sodium hangover a couple of weeks ago after eating nothing but tortilla chips all day.

It was sincerely messed up and my 19-year old self was laughing his ass off at me as he pounded a bottle of rye and woke up smiling.

Vodka Mom said...

I ADORE raw oysters!!!

Sue said...

Oh yes, the dreaded salt hangover. Been there. My girlfriend had such a bad salt hangover from spending 2 days straight sitting in the ocean, eating nothing but tortilla chips and drinking margaritas that she ended up in the hospital on an IV! No joke.
And don't get me started on how yucky a SUGAR hangover can be.

Greg said...

I love oysters and progressive parties are so much fun! Have a great day and feel better.

Scary Mommy said...

LOL!! I've so been there and it takes forever to recover. Good luck with that, you oyster slut. ;)

Travis Erwin said...

I'm going to call someone an oyster ho today for no particular reason other than I like the way those words roll off my tongue.

WILLIAM said...

Hmmm... Cow licks.

The lady who cuts my hair hates them.

Merrily Down the Stream said...

I am glad we have finally established what kind of ho you are!

Above Average Joe said...

Maybe you should've had a few the following morning.

You know..

..."Hair of the Quahog"

Sue at nobaddays said...

Ha! When you first said it was a progressive party, I thought you meant one of the Obama Change parties that are springing up in neighborhoods ;-) Then I remembered the other meaning of the word ;-)

Patois said...

Thank you, for you have just reinforced my decision to not eat oysters. Love the image of you as a salt lick!

3carnations said...

Yum. Not about the oysters, but the pecan pie. I've had maybe three slices of that in my life. It just never seems to be available...I suppose I could make one...

Word verification: unchex

Odd...because hubby has made two batches of Chex Mix this week for our goody bags to hand out...

Jennifer said...

Don't you love it when you can see your own cheeks (on your FACE, Jess.) and can't get your rings off your fingers?
I get that way after bingeing on Mexican food. I'll have a margarita with EXTRA salt please!

foop said...

Happy birthday to your golden boy!

Anonymous said...

I can never get my fill of Oysters - glad I taught you to have good taste! Love, Grandma Seattle

Apryl's Antics said...

MMMMMM OYSTERS in my best Homer Simpson voice.