Thursday, July 31, 2008

Phobia

I found myself completely out of super plus, mega-absorbent, big as a trailer tampons right when I needed them.

I rushed to my small, local grocery store to buy a box, but they were sold out.

I don't typically spend a lot of time in the tampon aisle checking for new features and weighing my options so I just grabbed a box that looked like Husky Texan Tampons that could alternatively be used to chink holes in log cabins.

Later, I noticed that I had bought a product called The Pearl by Tampax.

Try as I might, I couldn’t figure out what was so “pearly” about this giant, cotton product.

What was the “pearl” feature and what was it supposed to be doing for me?

What did "pearl" MEAN?


I read the box.

I looked at the insert.

Nothing.


[Fire your ad agency, Tampax!]

Since I have no shame coupled with a relentless need to UNDERSTAND, I accosted my (female) colleague and said,


“Have you heard of these “Pearl” Tampax? What’s the Pearl part about?”

She hadn’t heard of them, but she was willing to brainstorm.

[We are nothing if not a problem-solving team at work.]

Hmmm. Pearl…,” she said. “It brings to mind smooth edges. Does it have a paper or plastic applicator?”

“Plastic,” I said.

“Well!” she said. “That’s not very environmentally friendly. I thought Tampax’s whole thing was the PAPER applicator.”

“True,” I said. “It’s Playtex who have the petal-soft, plastic applicator, right?”

“Ugh!” she groaned. “I hate those because the opening where the tampon comes out makes the applicator look like it has teeth. I can’t use those. I’m not getting tampon teeth anywhere near... you know...”

I have never heard of this phobia before, this fear of tampon teeth.

What shall we call it?



63 comments:

Moi said...

Ummm ... cooterchomperphobia?

Assertagirl said...

Oh mah gawd, they are totally tampon teeth! I only use those plastic ones in a pinch. Otherwise, the cardboard will do fine, thankyouverymuch.

furiousBall said...

they actually made a movie about this

well sorta...

Denguy said...

Great. I haven't read you in a while and I get to you at the "tampons post." I have no comment--other than a typical male sex remark that I won't share.

CDJ said...

This is the most awesomely random thing I've read all day!

Lisa Milton said...

Now that you mention it. Ack. It's too much to ponder: the teeth and the pearl.

MrsWaltz said...

Vagidentophobia -- completely rational fear of anything resembling teeth being inserted into one's hooha.
Obviously.

Maggie said...

how about masticooterphobia?

T. said...

I too have tampon teeth phobia.
It's a bit lit a plastic venus flytrap I think.

ermaloff said...

o.b. has no applicator at all, and thus no teeth. yay, o.b.

Kerry said...

I'll only use the toothed device in an emergency. Sharp-looking things go nowhere near my delicate flower.

And furiousball, I love that movie. It's so delightfully twisted.

Omaha Mama said...

I vote for moi's idea ~ cooterchomperphobia?

I love it!

Jenifer said...

Tampons in general still make me a bit nervous...I use em' when I have to, but teeth? Not a chance. As for the pearl part I'm guessing the plastic is a smooth as a pearl?

And I think moi nailed it.

Veronica @Toddled Dredge said...

I always thought those tampon teeth looked exactly like the sandworms in the movie Dune.

Tracy: said...

TOO FUNNY!!! I have never had that phobia before either! I might have it now....I'll let ya know...bahaha!

motherbumper said...

Big as a trailer? I hear you. And I think it's called Dentwatphobia.

Sue at eLuckypacket said...

Ha ha! This reminded me of that oh so fun movie "Attack of the Killer Condom" -- if you haven't seen it, rent it! A killer condom running a rampage in a hotel room biting mens's bits - gnashing razor-sharp teeth and all! It's somehow funnier with subtitles: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116791/

Thalia's Child said...

tampodentophobia.

has to be :D

I've never heard of this phobia before.... but now I think I've developed a raging case of it!

Adriane said...

Gynodentaphobia?

I'll stick with a Keeper, thanks.

Aprylsantics said...

I too was curious about the pearl. I expected the plastic to have a pearl finish. I bought mine at the convenience store, as well. I generally don't like plastic.

The teeth? Even the commercial made them look scary---like sandworms from Beetlejuice or those creepy worms from Tremors.

LSM said...

I have nothing that could possibly top the phobia names that have already been contributed! But, I remember when the Pearl line came out, and yes, it's all about the plastic being smooth like a pearl. And the wrapper is kind of opalescent too--something important in a tampon I'm sure.

Defiantmuse said...

is it totally weird that at first glance of this post my eyes caught the word "pearl" and my first thought was: pearl necklace.

wtf?

Annie said...

Thank you so much for this giggle - on what has thusfar been a totally shitiferous day - I really needed it!

The Chick said...

I can't help with this as I am still laughing at the whole 'big as a trailer' tampon image.

michele said...

I hate those things... I always feel like something's going to go wrong and something "delicate" on the inside is going to get stuck in the teeth.

Magpie said...

those teeth are horrid. because sometimes they bite your delicate girly parts. yuck.

TSM-terrifically superiorily mediocre said...

I looked it up. It's:

Fraidahurtinmahhooha Disorder.

Guinevere Meadow said...

I never thought of them as teeth before. To me, they more resemble the little plastic tips you put on the ends of decorator icing bags to make pretty flowers and swirls on cakes.

I don't know if that's better, though.

NHDOLL said...

I think the pearl comes into play because the "rope" has pearls on it. And I have to agree with MOI and the cooterchomperphobia!

Rachael said...

Tampon teeth. It's the best thing I've heard all day.

amy turn sharp of doobleh-vay said...

wow. I am laughing so hard!!! :)

Shamelessly Sassy said...

I love the Pearl Plastic Tampons. Teeth or no teeth.

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

You just made my freakin' afternoon!

You know there's a tampon craft website, don't you? This opens up a whole new box of tampon craft possibilities!

How bitemyvajayjayphobia? Although cooter...well you can't go wrong with that.

Misguided Mommy said...

k so label project aside i think the pearl is supposed to refer to the shiny plasticy outside and how its sort of rounded.

I too am terrified of tampon teeth

TERRIFIED because I have been pinched.

ooh yea its the
afraidtohavemyjunkpinched phobia!

yeah, i said junk!

krystyn said...

I think they called them Pearl and made them shimmery to "glam" up your period. You know, because when I get mine, I love to dress up and feel beautiful.

And by "dress up and feel beautiful" I mean "have an excuse not to brush my hair or change out of my pajamas all day"

Laughing.

Biddy said...

i think the pearl thing is a prettier way of saying "pay more money for us!"

that's why i like OB - no tampon teeth and no stupid applicator! yay!

Amelia Sprout said...

oh my god. I love my IUD so I haven't had to go there recently, but I nearly peed my pants. And I can't tell a single coworker what I'm laughing at.

Patience said...

tampo-tooth-a-phobia

liv said...

you are putting me in quite a quandary, lady.

Wendy said...

Let me apologize in advance--
how rude can we go??

how about beaverbiterphobia?!

or gayboyluvphobia?

or, dare I say it, c*&tcutphobia?

Now, I must go wash my hands.

Megan said...

Pearl means they charge $5 more a box for the same product, only less environmentally friendly.

(I am afraid of the teeth too!)

Overflowing Brain said...

pearlywhitecrotchbitephobia

I'm not sure how it came out to be a rhyming fear, but it did. And "pearl" means that for an extra 6 dollars a box, they'll make the string thicker. Thoughtful, huh?

carrie said...

Yeah, what is up with that?

Too many choices. Too confusing for me. And those teeth, can stay as far away as India from my nether regions . . .eeeeeeek!

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I don't have a name for it, but I share the phobia.

I think they call it "pearl" because it has an iridescent while applicator.

Ew.

TZT said...

Va-jay-jaws or Va-jaw-jaws?

GRRRR up in my groceries?

Ladyparts lacerator?

Coochie chomper?

Vampire, the Muffy Slayer?

Okay, the last one is a little circuitous, but I'm on Vicodin. Whee!!

Shannon said...

I hate the teeth too.

Don't even talk to me about O.B. tampons. Using your finger as the applicator????

F THAT!!

Shannon said...

LMFAOOOO....I just read Va-jaw-jaws. Oh I'm dying with laughter right now.

Damselfly said...

[gasping for air]

I can't come up with anything better than what the previous commenters did.

[tampon teeth!]

TZT said...

Durnit. Just realized that I was supposed to be coming up with a name for the *phobia*, not a new FDA warning label that we could lobby Congress to mandate for offending tampon boxes. (Tooth in advertising.)

Sorry about that!

wyo said...

Tampon applicators with teeth. Truly, a phobia-worthy phenomenon.

(I have no good answer to your question, but I your post and the comments made for some very funny reading!)

Holly said...

This is hysterical!

flutter said...

dentatacunnyphobia

and not to get all personal or anything, but cardboard applicators? Do they uh, ever, uh...stick?

mamatulip said...

Tampons with teeth.

I have heard it all now.

Anonymous said...

I have the same phobia, so it's O.B. for me. If I'm forced to buy anything with an applicator I remove it from the applicator and proceed to use it in the O.B. fashion. I don't need my bits & parts chewed up by some device that could have only been invented by a man.

meanie said...

Vagina Dentata....just to freak you out more (i learned alllll about it in a film studies class)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vagina_dentata

Grim Reality Girl said...

Glad I'm not the only one who took the film studies class (I believe them men left class with true nightmares). I never looked at a plastic applicator and thought "teeth." Ew. Still not giving them up though -- not into OB style.

I read the wiki you posted Meanie, and shot coffee from my nose after this sentence: "that these myths express the threat sexual intercourse poses for men who, although entering triumphantly, always leave diminished."

Okay.... that is way too funny!

yo said...

ohmygod!! yes!! tampons the size of trailers!! tampons with TEETH!!

hahahaa!! cooterchomperphobia!!

Janet said...

I hate feminine protection advertising in general. Have a happy period. Always.

Have you ever had a happy period? Exactly.

Hmmm, a name for the phobia. How about Labiabrasiondread?

Kyla said...

I call it HILARIOUS.

the new girl said...

AAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

How about: 'Insertadentaphobia?'

Tranny Head said...

I actually have a blog post in the works about crappy advertising geared towards women. I swear I don't get it. Those yogurt commercials where the woman says "this is not waiting in line for the ladies' room good!" I swear I want to kick her in the uterus.

Tampon marketing is equally lame and pathetic.

As for the teeth? Well ... I got nothing on that.

Abbynormal said...

Ooo I had never thought of it that way. It's true though, that is what it looks like. I think Pearl tams are over-priced and over hyped. My former students wouldn't and couldn't use anything but. Interesting womens' preferences huh?

karrie said...

Those teeth were a motivating factor in my converting to the Diva cup.