Monday, March 10, 2008

I, Hydrant

I was on my own over the weekend while K went to Colorado to visit a friend.

Something must finally be going right in my own personal World of Motherhood because four days on my own with the short and loud people wasn't bad.

We had a groove going... at least we did until Sunday afternoon.

We popped a bag of popcorn, took out the stroller and headed to the park.

Oh, how we enjoyed the salty treat!

We ate it all up.


Certain short people became thirsty.

Oh, the NOoooooooooo.

Did this mommy remember to bring drinks?

No, she did not.

There was such a loud protest that a mo' bettah mother gave The Mayor and The Rooster a drink from her infant daughter's sippy cup.

[Oh, my shame.
I am but a mere caricature of a mother.]

Despite her state of utter dehydration, The Rooster announced that she had to pee not long after our arrival at Sans-A-John Park.

"No problem!" I thought. "I know all about the outdoors! I've been with a National Park Ranger!"

I took The Rooster behind the bushes and pulled down her pants.

I picked her up in a kind of squat-ish position so that she wouldn't get any pee on her clothes.

I held her little body in the air while she peed.

AND... BULLS EYE!!!

She peed all over my shoes.

Feel my teeny, tiny pulsating joy.

41 comments:

Lisa @ Corporate Babysitter said...

I learned this camping. Even if she misses your shoes, you cannot escape the giant river of pee. It will puddle around your shoes and soak through. I guess that's the kind of thing everyone has to learn for themselves.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

I have yet to hear a story about a parent trying to help a daughter pee outdoors that doesn't end in someone being covered in pee. It is just such a tricky thing.

I hope your shoes are washable. A-ha! NOW, I know what Crocs are good for! All plastic = urine resistant.

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

I once forgot to bring Miss C a drink to soccer practice. And it was really hot out. Eeeeeeeek. We accepted a bottle of water from another parent who was uber prepared.

Peeing outdoors always seems like a good idea until something goes awry! (I'd still take peeing behind a bush over using a Portastank.)

Paige said...

Ah the hits we take as parents...

Rima said...

"Sans-a-John park."

Snort.

motherbumper said...

Tell her to practice because peeing outdoors is an important skill every woman should possess. Doing it without mooning the world is plus. Tell her to check all sides and not end up like me - peeing behind a sand dune but in front of a bus load of tourists. With cameras.

Hope your shoes dried out fine.

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

That's life for you. Sometimes you pee, sometimes you get peed on.

Heather said...

With aim like that she is sure to go far in life!

Carey said...

Good aim! LOL. Better your shoes than hers?

Natalie said...

You are SERIOUSLY cracking me up today. I don't know how I missed that park ranger gem of a post but consider me on the floor!

Sue at eLuckypacket (aka Sue at nobaddays) said...

Fear not ... the other day I ventured out with Tau in stroller for a long walk and morning at the library. Sans diaper or wipes. Result? The speediest dash back from the library in the Guinness World Book of Records and my poor offspring waddling into the house like he had a raincloud about to burst between his legs. Oh, the luck that it was before number 2 time that day!

Wendy said...

At first, I thought you wrote everything was going fine until Saturday afternoon (ha! that'd be me! maybe even Saturday morning).

Jenifer said...

There was a message hidden in there right?!

liv said...

oh, mama. my most recent lesson is that your children are never too old to necessitate a waiting change of clothes in the car. (sigh)

Amanda said...

Hmm, a rite of passage, though something makes me think that my first-born is simply too fastidious to ever pee on me...or outside.

Lisa Milton said...

Oh, how I hate Sans-a-potty park.

Ag.

flutter said...

Well. Isn't that just.

I am pretty sure "getting pissed on" was supposed to be euphemistic OTJ...

Stimey said...

Well, hurray for having 3 boys I guess. I'd really have to be standing in the wrong place to get peed on.

Jenni said...

Heck, I'm 32 and I still can't pee in the great outdoors (we camp a lot) without hitting a shoe, pant leg or some body part.

Sugarplum's Mom said...

They didn't tell you you'd have to learn how to aim her properly when she was born did they?

kellypea said...

Yanno -- there aren't too many people in Bloggsville who can get me to hoot the way you do. I can't even count the times my boys hit me with their best shots -- and it wasn't because we were at a johnless park. You're hilarious!

carrie said...

Been there.

Mrs. Schmitty said...

Oh No! I just peed myself (but I missed my shoes).

cce said...

At least you now have a very good excuse for a new shoe purchase. I'm fairly twittering with nervousness just reading about your weekend alone with the kids, about to start my own five day stint of single parenthood. It happens each year at this time. You'd think I'd get used to it. But I'm always dangling by a thread at the end of it, always.

Heather said...

Thanks for the laugh at your expense this morning ;) ...

~Heather

Amy U. said...

At least it's not flip-flop weather?

Assertagirl

Janet said...

Oh I would be so pissed!

Kidding. I wouldn't; I just wanted to say that.

You know what? I have been mothering for almost 9 years and I just recently learned to bring drinks along. Eye lurn sloh.

Jozet at Halushki said...

If every girl had a penis, life outdoors would be so much easier.

Although, ironically, all the bathrooms would be messier.

How does that work?

JamesMommy said...

Huh. For some reason, my boy won't pee outside. My husband, on the other hand, appears to live for peeing outside. Hmmm. I can't even imagine trying to help a girl pee outside.

JamesMommy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lotta said...

That's impressive. I usually hit my pants when I try to pee outside while camping.

LceeL said...

I had some smart-ass remark in my mind about girls peeing in the bushes, but I just lost track of it reading all of these comments. All I can say is, at least for this reason, I'm glad we had sons.

Not Hannah said...

Thanks for the laugh--just what I needed after a long day of feeling like people are peeing on my shoes. And it's 10:30.

mamatulip said...

I feel it, that tiny pulsating joy. All over your feet.

Ok, Where Was I? said...

As much as I would love a girl--and I would--there is not one time when my son has peed at a park, out the open door of the car (stopped, of course), or even just out in our yard when we reach that part in the back by the fields that is the farthest from the house, that I haven't been grateful I had boys. It's so easy! It's unfair really.

Queen of Shake-Shake said...

Shall I send you some of my Pissy Superpowers?

Bon said...

things i took from your post, Jess:

1) pee is funny
2) i feel better about forgetting the damn sippy cup, erm, now and then
3) i want popcorn

Above Average Joe said...

Ah, but can she write her name?

Don Mills Diva said...

HA! It's funny because it didn't happen to me.

Alpha DogMa said...

Umm...at least it's not sandal season, right?

urban-urchin said...

my oldest used to go around the playground begging for snacks from other moms- it didn't matter if i'd brought them or not. why don't they have porta johns at parks with playgrounds? That's idiotic.