Friday, November 09, 2007

Is Your Work Load Nuts?


I noticed a lump on the right side of my neck last week.

Since I didn't have a matching one on the left side, I decided to make a doctor's appointment.

[I'm fine. Apparently I just have a lumpy neck.]

[You know how every time you try to see your doctor they tell you the next available appointment is in 16 months? Just say you have a lump in your neck and they'll ask if you want to come in that very afternoon!]

Anyway, as I was walking into the doctor's office, I noticed a male doctor with greying hair.

His nametag said "Larry" and I thought, "I know that guy."

In my examining room I remembered Dr. Larry.

A lifetime ago he was in my ex-husband's medical school class.

[He also happens to be the brother of a famous singer in a band that rhymes with... uh... schmindiglo burls.]

Seeing him reminded me of how awkward it was for me to socialize with my ex's medical school friends back then.

They were all so clear about their life's work and I was floundering around, unable to select a career path much less find the trail head.

There was another guy in Joseph's medical school class who I only remember as "The Monkey Man."

I did not feel weird about my careerlessness with this guy.

Before starting medical school he had a job in a primate research lab where he had to collect *seamen* samples from monkeys.

[*Ahoy, Seamen! Wayward porno Googlers be damned!]

After The Monkey Man collected the samples, he gave the monkeys their food.

Monkey Man said that after awhile any time he entered the monkey room each and every monkey would start... you know... making some samples.

[Makin' some samples! The Samplinator!]

To this day, I can't help but wonder what you would have to say to a career counselor in order for your career aptitude test to return this as a suggested line of work.

Congratulations! The results of your test are in! The perfect job for you is...

Erotic Lord of the Monkeys!!

What would that job be like twenty years later?

You'd have a mortgage, a car payment, a couple of kids and you'd wake up one day feeling the acute drudgery of daily life.

You'd drag yourself to work, open the door to your office and see fifty monkeys start pleasuring themselves.

You'd have to ask yourself,

"What does it all mean?"



85 comments:

tulipmom said...

Oh thank G-d. Now I can go back and read the rest of your post (something about monkey semen??). I was too worried about the lump to pay much attention the first time. Glad you're OK.

Nancy said...

Glad you are ok.

Hey, that guy has it made, he trained them to ah..umm... handle the job themselves!

we_be_toys said...

The monkey man's job could be a great place to moonlight, while working on writing that next sit-com. Too funny!
(btw, am glad its just a lumpy neck; isn't aging as a woman SO glamorous?!)

Velveteen Mind Megan said...

I like this post.

That's it. I'm too tired to write anything else. But what else matters, right? You write. We like. The end.

furiousBall said...

#1 Glad to hear that your neck is only lumpy

#2 This is the best post about monkey spanking that I've read today... so far.

susiej said...

Wow -- what a scare. I hate lumps! Funny, I wrote about the beloved sock monkey today.

JoeinVegas said...

OH, now you are conjuring up all kids of images for dream jobs -

flutter said...

mmmmmm erotic leader of lumpy monkeys....

CamiKaos said...

I just spit out my breakfast. Happy now? That was hilarious.

Heidi Hyde said...

Whew! Thank god it was just a lumpy neck :)

Funny monkey stuff.

-HH

3carnations said...

I'm glad you're just lumpy. :)

LSM said...

Note to self: stop reading this blog while at work lest assistant think I am truly crazy. I'm in here with a fit of the giggles. But, I will remember this in case I ever worry about my work not making a difference in the world. Glad to hear all is well on the health front!

Emily said...

phew!

Erotic Lord of the MOnkeys.

You are too too funny!!!

Mrs. Chicky said...

Okay my head is spinning. You're fine but the monkey man is living with the drudgery of monkey semen? I think that's what I just read.

Amanda said...

Damn, cut to the chase sooner, I promise to keep reading. My heart made a huge ass lump in my neck while I waited to read you were ok.

And, just as an aside, I went to school in Ellensburg, WA, famous (to some) for its Chimposium. Things I learned - they find baseball cap threatening and see them as an act of agression and they love to masterbate. I mean love it, I felt like such a prude, but then, I did have a roommate who threw out the Adam and Eve catalogs that came because she couldn't even bear to be in the same room as something that referred to pleasuring yourself. The lovely contradiction was that she often brought home strangers.

I wonder how she'd feel to know that the thought of chimps jacking off reminds me of her...

bet you're thrilled I stopped by.

Jenifer said...

Only you could make me forget about a lump in your neck with talk of monkeys and samples and the meaning of life.

Glad it is nothing.

QT said...

OMG, that sounds absolutely horrible. I can honestly say I don't think there is enough money in the world for me to do that job...

Glad your neck is just lumpy~

Kristin said...

I scanned through the post at a rapid fire pace to make sure your neck was indeed, simply lumpy!

Off to read the rest.

Clink said...

At least the monkey's got a meal for their deposits!
(Keep an eye on that lump!)

Sandra Miller said...

Geez Louise, Jessica-

Next time start the post with the "yeah, I'm fine" part.

You had me worried.

Funny stuff, though...

(I could really see Schneider as "The Samplinator!" It fits. )

Heather, Queen of Shake-Shake said...

What does any of it mean? Even for the career fulfilled M.D.s?

I'm glad you are ok!

Above Average Joe said...

Monkey see, monkey ewww!

Oh, The Joys said...

Okay, I didn't mean to worry anyone. I moved the "I'm fine" part up to the beginning!

Sarcastic Mom (aka Lotus) said...

For cryin' out loud, you make me LAUGH EVERY TIME.

"I'm fine. Apparently I just have a lumpy neck."

I luvs yer lumpy neck self.

Wendy said...

It means you are one sexy upright walking primate.

Suz said...

Holy Crap. I know Dr. Larry. I went to college with him. OMG. You know, he was clear about this direction even then....nothing like myself.

Anonymous said...

Oh My God...thats got to be the funniest occupation yet...and does he have to help them if they can't perform...oh thats just amazing...
you should definately write comedy...while the writers strike is on...there you go...remember all the little people..or take us with..

mauniejames

Rimarama said...

Very funny post today, Lumpy (glad you're OK).

I have a friend who had a similar job in college, except with rhinos.

Yeah.

Jenny said...

Hey, I have a lumpy neck too! We're like goiter sisters!

Also, I read this: "...The Monkey Man got the seamen samples he fed the monkeys" to mean that he was feeding seamen samples to the monkeys and I was totally grossed out but then I re-read it and was all "O-o-o-oh...he just makes the monkeys jack-off but he doesn't make them eat it. *That's* totally normal." And in comparison, yeah, it was.

Jenny said...

PS. Weirdest comment I've ever left? Pretty damn close.

Kelly said...

Schmindigo burls...I'm having a harder time moving past that than the monkey sperm. Made me laugh!

Glad you are healthy. I am lumpy as well. A breast surgeon once told me, "You have some bumpy lumpy breasts." Is that text book jargon, doc?

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Kinda puts my job in perspective! Just when you think you have the worst job ever......you hear about the man who has to give hand jobs to monkeys! WOW! :)

Amy said...

OK that wins some sort of world's worst job contest. Where's the Queen? Where's Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs?

(Glad you're OK)

BOSSY said...

OH THANK THE LORD OUR GAWD - a job worse than Bossy's.

g-man said...

That is just MESSED UP!

Monkeys spankin' monkeys.

Thanks for sharing! :)

Kyla said...

You know, Josh watched a Dirty Jobs about artificial pig insemination. Basically, you j@ck off for a male pig, you know, because hoofs aren't good for that sort of thing, and then shoot it into a girl pig's hoo-ha. I started gagging just thinking about it. Josh can no longer watch Dirty Jobs if I am in the living room. Because, EWWW!

jakelliesmom said...

Oh, the visual imagery.

On our honeymoon, we were treated to an excerpt of USA Today that gave the results of a research project when a set number of monkeys were placed in a room with typewriters to see if they could, in fact, produce a novel or works comparable to Shakespeare. Apparently, the scholarly researchers found a lot of the letters T and E, and feces thrown about.

Someone's actual job.

(Glad the lump is nothing, too.)

Lawyer Mama said...

How disturbing.

Baaaaaahaaaaaaa!

(Glad the neck is fine.)

The Hotfessional said...

Glad I read this AFTER you moved the "I'm Fine" up.

But I'll tell you, this gives a whole new meaning to the term "monkey balls"

Honeybell said...

Ha! I do that, If my lumps are symmetrical I'm all good.

I'm currently writing a psych paper on classical conditioning, I truly need to figure Monkey Man in there somewhere!!

mamatulip said...

I love how you started this post off but scaring the crap out of me and ended it by making me laugh so hard I think I might have peed a little.

Jamie said...

Monkies freak me out. This just made it worse.

painted maypole said...

I AM uniquely qualified for that job! one day, at the LA Zoo, we were looking at the monkeys, when one came up to bars, stared right at me, and started masturbating. Seriously. I have never lived that moment down.

Beck said...

Lumps are scary.
But it would be nice to be the Erotic Lord of SOMETHING, at least.

~JJ! said...

I love the schmindiglo burls!

And I couldn't imagine being a Monkey Jerker for the rest of my life...

Cathy said...

"What does it all mean?"

And ... "Why, WHY am I here?"

You just made resolve to not complain about work today.

Glad the lump turned out to nothing.

WILLIAM said...

Man that job would have to suck...working with a bunch of jerk offs

rak said...

i bet a room full of monkey's getting off is really LOUD. how does that man get any paperwork done with all the noise?!

Magpie said...

Did you spell it "seamen" to throw the searchers off?

I remember visiting the Bronx Zoo with my grandmother, and seeing all the monkeys doing their thing in the monkey house, and her horrification.

kgirl said...

I used to love the schmindiglo burls!

chilihead said...

I don't even know where to begin...the title, Makin' some samples! The Samplinator!, everything is hilarious. I assume he played Peter Gabriel whilst gathering the samples. It's only fitting.

(Please tell me you get my joke. It's so rare I make anyone but myself get my jokes.)m

kittenpie said...

Ew, funky monkeys. Or, you know, spunky monkeys, as the case may be.

The Medium Swede said...

Is that a lump on your neck or are you just happy to see me?

*~*Cece*~* said...

Ewww is what came to my mind.

Em said...

When your mere presence in a room is enough to cause monkeys to...ahh...produce, it might be time to seriously consider a career change!

Take care of those lumps!

Jenn said...

Off to submit this post to Dirty Jobs.

Shauna Loves Chocolate said...

OMG. Talk about funniest job ever!

Glad you're okay.

Jen M. said...

Schmindigo Burls - dude, that was funny stuff.

People have to do the same with turkeys because we've bred them to have such huge breasts (for meat) that the turkeys can't mount each other.

Okay - yeah. I just said that.

Ruth Dynamite said...

Ah to have that effect on a troupe of monkeys...

(And - whoa! - gooood morning to you too, Mr. Chimpy!)

Loralee Choate said...

I KNEW there was a reason that monkeys had opposable thumbs...

motherbumper said...

So let me get this straight: if there had been a matching lump on the other side, it would have been okay?

slouching mom said...

Oh, baby, you had me laughing out loud with this one. Thank you.

Aliki2006 said...

Whew! I'm glad the lump was nothing. My office-mate had a similar lump and it proved to be j st lumpiness.

carrie said...

You know Emily or Amy's brother??????

Forget the monkey love . . . I'm totally in awe of the other!

carrie said...

OH -- now I am freaking out because Amanda and I both went to school in Ellensburg -- home of the Chimposium. And Roger Fouts, the leader of the chimps, was in my fiction writing class in college . . .

Talk about degrees of seperation! All found here, on your blog! :)

Jennifer said...

Good LORD you crack me up. And, really? The brother of one of the Schmindiglo Burls touched your neck?!?! Dude!

(Glad you're okay and all.)

Little Monkies said...

Welcome back, mama, welcome back.

XOX

Staci Schoff said...

Oh my God -- that's so funny -- I suppose there are worse jobs.

I missed your ex-husband post the first time around, but I have these friends who have been married for 15+ years now. When they met one of them was married and they both worked together. They weren't THAT worried about the married part, but one of them did find another job BEFORE they could date.

Everybody has to draw their own line somewhere.

Jim Latchford said...

Stumbled upon your blog and latest post. Halarious! (It is suppose to be isn't it?) Just checking...
Don't be too hard on the Monkey Man. My dream job would be as a loan officer in a sperm bank!

SUEB0B said...

No, but boy is it a nutload!

At first I thought you were a bad speller, but then I remembered, Google. Now you will just get a bunch of disappointed Navy stalkers.

Avery Gray said...

Um. I don't really know what to say.

Glad you don't have a goiter. ;o)

Deb said...

How do you go about "collecting" the samples after all that? Scrape it off the cage floor? Ooooh... or off the cage bars? Do they aim for the cup? Sorry, I need more details.

Glad you're only lumpy.

Mini said...

Wow. No words for this one.

Shannon said...

Glad you are okay.

Monkey Man's story is hilarious. Would love to know what he is doing now.

karrie said...

I thought the time in my early 20s I freaked and decided--for no real reason aside from paranoia--that I needed to have a full VD screen and exam at a local clinic.

The gyno was a (hot) older brother of a high school friend.

Yikes.

Omaha Mama said...

We watched a new DVD the other night, Ratatouille. The next morning, Brenna had a story about her dream. That there were rats in our couch when she took the cushions off! It's hard to know there are things they have to endure (even just dreams) that we can't be there for.

EE said...

Oh, I just love the I.G.'s...could you get me an autograph?????

Queen Karana said...

O.M.G.
That's frikkin' hilarious.

Deb said...

GLad to hear everything is ok!

Sorry I have been MIA on your blog! My husband has been traveling, birthdays came up, school conferences, you know how it goes. Life is finally slowing down! I go on my 2nd cruise of the year, Decemeber 8! We go to Grand Cayman, Cosumel and Ochos Rios! Im off to get a full body massage, manicure/pedicure! Have a great weekend! Stop by and visit my blog ok?

DEB

Redneck Mommy said...

Can't. Stop. Laughing.

It's hard to breathe and laugh at the same time when you're sick as a dog and all plugged up.

But this was totally worth it.

Cuz I always tease the hubs that he stands around and plays with monkeys all day long.

This just gave it a whole NEW meaning...

Snicker.

dawn224 said...

I totally want to find Larry and use him to get to his sister. I don't even care which Schlindiglo Burl she is!

Denguy said...

What a whack job.

phenom said...

I wonder if that helps them write Shakespeare.

Mimi aka pz5wjj said...

LMAO! Maybe you have to pass a test first -- you know show them you know how to do it before you get "picked"

JCK said...

This is hysteriCAL! Thank you.

Great segue from neck bumps to monkey enrichment, so to speak. Glad everything is good!