Thursday, November 15, 2007

Attack of the Killer Head

My friend Laura's son introduced The Mayor to a new game called:

Get Naked, Tie Silk Scarves To Your Body and Run Around The House.

[I didn't learn this game until college.]

The two boys chased each other around and around the natural loop of our house with their scarves (and stuff) flapping in the wind.

Laura's son ran faster than The Mayor and this was a problem because, The Mayor?

Is. Always. First.

[Icepick to the forehead, please!]

The (formerly known as first) Mayor sagged to the floor
sobbing, his scarves fluttering around him.

"What's wrong, Mayor?" I asked.

"He keeps running away from me!"

"You know," I offered, "when he gets ahead of you, you can turn around and run the other way. You'll run right into him head first!"

Ta-da!

Instantly the tears ended and The Game resumed.

Laura and I continued talking from our couch-based horizontal parenting stations...

until we heard a disturbingly loud thud...

followed by her son's scream...

and then a different, but still quite disturbing, second thud...

and, ultimately, the great wailing of The Mayor.

Hoisting ourselves up off our respective couches we ran, uh hurried, um - - went to identify the cause of the screaming.

"He kicked me!" The Mayor choked.

Laura and I separated our boys.

"Why did he kick you, Mayor?"

"I don't know."

"Surely he didn't kick you for no reason at all," I said and gave him my super-powered, maternal detecto-eye.




"I ran into him with my head," he admitted.

The Mayor's head is a notorious weapon.


I have been attacked by his head on many occasions and
, as a result, have seen cartoon stars (and fantastic trails, man.)



*Experience of Mayoral head attack much less delightful
than it appears
in this dramatization (staged during my college years.)


"Did you hit him with your head on purpose, Mayor?" I asked.

"Uh-huh."

"But Mayor," I started, totally exasperated, "we have talked and talked about how much that hurts and how you are NOT supposed to do that."

"But mom, YOU said to run right into him head first."


Oh. The. Literal.




74 comments:

WILLIAM said...

Great post. I love the maternal detecto eyes. they also remind me of the spousal detecto eyes.

rak said...

i am laughing sooo hard! you are brilliant!

PT-LawMom said...

ROFL!! Oh. The. Boys! Sounds like something mine would say. Love the "seeing stars" pics. LOL!

we_be_toys said...

Ah good times! And when they're no longer as concrete, its a whole new set of limit-pushing variables!
Great post - thanks for the chuckle!

mauniejames3 said...

ya know...he's a boy...they do that..it will be so much easier with your daughter...except the whinning...I think that if you haven't cracked up yet says a lot for your character...the pictures were awesome..


mauniejames

Circus Kelli said...

Gah, kids can be SO literal! :)

Kyla said...

We have one of those here, his name is BubTar.

The first time he got in trouble this year, I said, "BubTar, your most important job at school is LISTENING TO THE TEACHER." and he said, "Well, I will now. Now that YOU told me. You should have told me sooner, Mom." LOL.

Emily R said...

Yeah, you earned that one!

Magpie said...

Oops. The literalness of the children is awesome.

furiousBall said...

just be glad you didn't tell him to give him an atomic knee drop. i'm not sure why you'd say that, but still.

Mary Alice said...

I hate it when we have a moment that causes flashbacks to our child psych text books....oh yeah...duh.

Scarlett Wanna Be said...

Nothing like being bitten in the butt by your own words. Ohhhh...my hiney has often had bite marks itself...wait that might sound dirty....

tulipmom said...

It's all your fault, Momma :)

Serina Hope said...

I am glad that you put a disclaimer of n the picture of you post head butt from the mayor, otherwise people would have been lining up for one...me included.
Don't you love it when the kids listen?

Julie Pippert said...

No scarf game til college. BWAHAHAHA

Maternal superdetecto eye and photo of that. BWAHAHAHA

Notorious head weapon and starry eyed photo BWAHAHAHA

Oh the literal. TOO FUNNY!

Julie
Using My Words

flutter said...

Um, so is it horrible that it doesn't get any better WHEN THEY ARE 27 AND YOU ARE ENGAGED TO THEM???!?!

Sorry, had an all caps freak out moment there....

Rimarama said...

Yet another very funny post, not to mention brilliant display of mad photoshopping skillz.

We have a similar game in our house called, "Get naked, run towards wall, bounce off, turn around and repeat."

nell said...

Hahahaha!

Matilda has that same Must Be First thing. It's fun, huh? I love when she runs to beat her sister down the stairs.

Paige said...

After you see stars, do you order an Acme anvil to drop on Mayor's head in retaliation?

mom said...

Hilarious! I love the spiral eyes - reminds me of high school drug videos - the people on LSD jumping off buildings and what not.

PS Tagged you (Se me' blog)

Zaya said...

Silk scarves... he has great taste... much better than terry cloth towel capes.

Boys/Guys/Men are so literal, and don't seem to get the whole figurative/innuendo/hint type thing.

Lisa Milton said...

That look - I would most certainly obey.

Victoria said...

Yeah, that's totally your fault. =) "maternal detecto eyes" = giggle.

Misty Dawn said...

Love your stories. It always cracks me up when they take things literally and, in turn, make us feel dumb.

T with Honey said...

That has to be one of my biggest parenting blunders... not realizing that if my child takes what I say literally I will not like the results. Every night I have to remind her to "rinse and spit... in the sink!"

Jenny Ryan said...

Oh man, that literal sure can be tricky sometimes :P

kristen said...

Really? You didn't see that one coming? Next time, tell the Mayor that when running in circles, there is no clearly defined leader. He may be in front of you, but he is still two laps behind!

Lawyer Mama said...

Oy. The literal stuff gets me every time! It's like toddlers are natural born lawyers.

I think we need to hear more details about how the "seeing stars" picture came to be!

Not the Queen said...

Nice! Why can't kids be ingrained with a knowledge of sarcasm from birth? It would make parenting soooo much easier.

Life As I Know It said...

well, he has a point...

too funny !

Jenn said...

Gonna have to give it to him on a technicality.

JoeinVegas said...

Um, yea, you did say it, we heard you.

Above Average Joe said...

We have a natural loop as well and the kids run around until I stand in the way and am attacked by a head landing right smack in the .... well you know.

Then I'm the one seeing stars and crying.

Heather, Queen of Shake-Shake said...

ROLF!

Smiling Mom said...

Ok, now that's funny!

painted maypole said...

my laughing at your post made my husband turn around and ask what was so funny. oh. the. laughter.

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

Oops!

I have that maternal detecto eye, too! It's rather handy, isn't it?

g-man said...

Damned how they can turn our own words against us. Nice detecto-eyes.

Renée said...

Great post. I really needed a laugh today, thank you!

By the way, the detecto-eyes are known as The Look in our house.

~JJ! said...

"You'll run right into him head first!"

You said it right there....I heard you.

Geologychick said...

geez... I sure miss college!

QT said...

WOMAN - I just shat myself that was so funny~~~esp. the photoshopping

Beck said...

I well know that sickening clunk sound of two kid heads smacking into each other. It's not a GOOD sound.

Bon said...

mine has a head like that. it first damaged me during birth, and has been causing some killer trails (and trials) ever since. last weekend, he took up headbutting....the joys.

and now - ah wise one - you have made it clear that it is my maternal duty to teach him to use the head gently. on others.

freedom!

witchypoo said...

That was awesome!
Ass Burger Boy gets annoyed when I laugh too much on the computer.
He asked me if I was on drugs.
Jealousy, get off the World Of Warcraft or whatever it is, and read something, youngun.

Veronica said...

You do the best photos!

Uh, but where did they find silk scarves?

Janet said...

Wait...doesn't anyone else want to hear more about the silk scarves and nudity in college?

No?

It must just be me, then.

Kelly Malloy said...

The literal will kill you everytime!

Mimi said...

Funny. It's the literalness that gets you, every time, eh? I like the naked scarf dancing idea, though. Might have to try that :-)

Avery Gray said...

Another idiom-challenged youngster? Glad mine's not the only one!

Dawn said...

LOL! You make me laugh almost every day!! This was no exception - LOVED the "maternal detecto eyes"!!!

Great post!
D

Stepping Over the Junk said...

at least he listens to you. literal or not.

moving mama said...

I never knew how strong our heads really were until I had kids - then I learned how strong your head is as a kid and how weak they become as adults...I didn't even get to "see stars" when my bonk happened - just pitch black. Darn...

Mrs. Chicky said...

My head hurts just thinking of it all.

Aliki2006 said...

Yes, the literal will get you every time!

dawn224 said...

Perfect pictures.... and .... what have you learned from this? :) (kidding)

Mommy Bits said...

That is too cute. My boys, 2 and 5, run around after bath time pretending to be naked super heros. They scream "I am naked Man!" and chase each other.

I love your advice about, just turn and run the other way and you'll be first. I'm def. using that!

edj said...

We lived overseas for a while, and the driving was horrific.
Once, our son and another friend decided to play "Mauritanian drivers." They ran their bikes smack head-on into each other. My son, like yours, has an extremely hard head, so he was fine, but his friend got an enormous fat lip. It was really rather funny.

Velma said...

Oh yes, the joys of the literal!

carrie said...

Doh!

Well, lesson learned, right? :)

suchsimplepleasures said...

60 comments...holy cow! anyway...your posts crack me up! my son is so like that...he isn't quite 4 and everything is literal. i have to watch what i say to him because i'm going to find one of my other children badly beaten from the little guy!
i'm laughing myself off to sleep now!
thanks for the last chuckle of the night!

Jozet at Halushki said...

Ah yes, The Literal.

Someday they do grow out of it. Unless they are attornies.

Great photos, lol.

Sarcasm Abounds said...

I smell football in his future...


SA

moosh in indy. said...

mmm hmmm. That's right, raise'n 'em down right literal down South.

creative-type dad said...

I'll have to try that game out since I have a couple of scarves lying around.

And I better wear a cup too.

Sarcastic Mom (aka Lotus) said...

Bah, when he gets older he'll just explain such things away like, "wind drag on larger unit I possess is just slowing me down."

Still a head ramming issue.

Mrs. Chicken said...

Fantastic! Oh the literal, indeed.

Liza's Eyeview said...

Literal :) Oh the joy of having kids!

I have a 10 yr old son - and I can still relate ;)

motherbumper said...

OK I DID IT! Damn that maternal detecto-eye really works well.

Lotta said...

Hey - I play that game!

WhyMommy said...

I didn't see it coming. Nice!

We had two 3 year old boys here while their plarents went out to dinner tonight ... such crazy! Such fun. I love little kids some days, don't you? They're so ... free and energetic!

Deb said...

LOL... I was just like The Mayor when I was a kid. Very. Literal.

The photos are excellent!

JCK said...

Maternal detecto eyes are awesome. Oh, the literal lovelies.... You are such a great storyteller!

kittenpie said...

Oh god, the heads. How are heads that are not fully knitted yet SO FREAKING HARD?!