My friend Laura's son introduced The Mayor to a new game called:
Get Naked, Tie Silk Scarves To Your Body and Run Around The House.
[I didn't learn this game until college.]
The two boys chased each other around and around the natural loop of our house with their scarves (and stuff) flapping in the wind.
Laura's son ran faster than The Mayor and this was a problem because, The Mayor?
Is. Always. First.
[Icepick to the forehead, please!]
The (formerly known as first) Mayor sagged to the floor sobbing, his scarves fluttering around him.
"What's wrong, Mayor?" I asked.
"He keeps running away from me!"
"You know," I offered, "when he gets ahead of you, you can turn around and run the other way. You'll run right into him head first!"
Ta-da!
Instantly the tears ended and The Game resumed.
Laura and I continued talking from our couch-based horizontal parenting stations...
until we heard a disturbingly loud thud...
followed by her son's scream...
and then a different, but still quite disturbing, second thud...
and, ultimately, the great wailing of The Mayor.
Hoisting ourselves up off our respective couches we
"He kicked me!" The Mayor choked.
Laura and I separated our boys.
"Why did he kick you, Mayor?"
"I don't know."
"Surely he didn't kick you for no reason at all," I said and gave him my super-powered, maternal detecto-eye.
"I ran into him with my head," he admitted.
The Mayor's head is a notorious weapon.
I have been attacked by his head on many occasions and, as a result, have seen cartoon stars (and fantastic trails, man.)
*Experience of Mayoral head attack much less delightful
than it appears in this dramatization (staged during my college years.)
than it appears in this dramatization (staged during my college years.)
"Did you hit him with your head on purpose, Mayor?" I asked.
"Uh-huh."
"But Mayor," I started, totally exasperated, "we have talked and talked about how much that hurts and how you are NOT supposed to do that."
"But mom, YOU said to run right into him head first."
Oh. The. Literal.
74 comments:
Great post. I love the maternal detecto eyes. they also remind me of the spousal detecto eyes.
i am laughing sooo hard! you are brilliant!
ROFL!! Oh. The. Boys! Sounds like something mine would say. Love the "seeing stars" pics. LOL!
Ah good times! And when they're no longer as concrete, its a whole new set of limit-pushing variables!
Great post - thanks for the chuckle!
ya know...he's a boy...they do that..it will be so much easier with your daughter...except the whinning...I think that if you haven't cracked up yet says a lot for your character...the pictures were awesome..
mauniejames
Gah, kids can be SO literal! :)
We have one of those here, his name is BubTar.
The first time he got in trouble this year, I said, "BubTar, your most important job at school is LISTENING TO THE TEACHER." and he said, "Well, I will now. Now that YOU told me. You should have told me sooner, Mom." LOL.
Yeah, you earned that one!
Oops. The literalness of the children is awesome.
just be glad you didn't tell him to give him an atomic knee drop. i'm not sure why you'd say that, but still.
I hate it when we have a moment that causes flashbacks to our child psych text books....oh yeah...duh.
Nothing like being bitten in the butt by your own words. Ohhhh...my hiney has often had bite marks itself...wait that might sound dirty....
It's all your fault, Momma :)
I am glad that you put a disclaimer of n the picture of you post head butt from the mayor, otherwise people would have been lining up for one...me included.
Don't you love it when the kids listen?
No scarf game til college. BWAHAHAHA
Maternal superdetecto eye and photo of that. BWAHAHAHA
Notorious head weapon and starry eyed photo BWAHAHAHA
Oh the literal. TOO FUNNY!
Julie
Using My Words
Um, so is it horrible that it doesn't get any better WHEN THEY ARE 27 AND YOU ARE ENGAGED TO THEM???!?!
Sorry, had an all caps freak out moment there....
Yet another very funny post, not to mention brilliant display of mad photoshopping skillz.
We have a similar game in our house called, "Get naked, run towards wall, bounce off, turn around and repeat."
Hahahaha!
Matilda has that same Must Be First thing. It's fun, huh? I love when she runs to beat her sister down the stairs.
After you see stars, do you order an Acme anvil to drop on Mayor's head in retaliation?
Hilarious! I love the spiral eyes - reminds me of high school drug videos - the people on LSD jumping off buildings and what not.
PS Tagged you (Se me' blog)
Silk scarves... he has great taste... much better than terry cloth towel capes.
Boys/Guys/Men are so literal, and don't seem to get the whole figurative/innuendo/hint type thing.
That look - I would most certainly obey.
Yeah, that's totally your fault. =) "maternal detecto eyes" = giggle.
Love your stories. It always cracks me up when they take things literally and, in turn, make us feel dumb.
That has to be one of my biggest parenting blunders... not realizing that if my child takes what I say literally I will not like the results. Every night I have to remind her to "rinse and spit... in the sink!"
Oh man, that literal sure can be tricky sometimes :P
Really? You didn't see that one coming? Next time, tell the Mayor that when running in circles, there is no clearly defined leader. He may be in front of you, but he is still two laps behind!
Oy. The literal stuff gets me every time! It's like toddlers are natural born lawyers.
I think we need to hear more details about how the "seeing stars" picture came to be!
Nice! Why can't kids be ingrained with a knowledge of sarcasm from birth? It would make parenting soooo much easier.
well, he has a point...
too funny !
Gonna have to give it to him on a technicality.
Um, yea, you did say it, we heard you.
We have a natural loop as well and the kids run around until I stand in the way and am attacked by a head landing right smack in the .... well you know.
Then I'm the one seeing stars and crying.
ROLF!
Ok, now that's funny!
my laughing at your post made my husband turn around and ask what was so funny. oh. the. laughter.
Oops!
I have that maternal detecto eye, too! It's rather handy, isn't it?
Damned how they can turn our own words against us. Nice detecto-eyes.
Great post. I really needed a laugh today, thank you!
By the way, the detecto-eyes are known as The Look in our house.
"You'll run right into him head first!"
You said it right there....I heard you.
geez... I sure miss college!
WOMAN - I just shat myself that was so funny~~~esp. the photoshopping
I well know that sickening clunk sound of two kid heads smacking into each other. It's not a GOOD sound.
mine has a head like that. it first damaged me during birth, and has been causing some killer trails (and trials) ever since. last weekend, he took up headbutting....the joys.
and now - ah wise one - you have made it clear that it is my maternal duty to teach him to use the head gently. on others.
freedom!
That was awesome!
Ass Burger Boy gets annoyed when I laugh too much on the computer.
He asked me if I was on drugs.
Jealousy, get off the World Of Warcraft or whatever it is, and read something, youngun.
You do the best photos!
Uh, but where did they find silk scarves?
Wait...doesn't anyone else want to hear more about the silk scarves and nudity in college?
No?
It must just be me, then.
The literal will kill you everytime!
Funny. It's the literalness that gets you, every time, eh? I like the naked scarf dancing idea, though. Might have to try that :-)
Another idiom-challenged youngster? Glad mine's not the only one!
LOL! You make me laugh almost every day!! This was no exception - LOVED the "maternal detecto eyes"!!!
Great post!
D
at least he listens to you. literal or not.
I never knew how strong our heads really were until I had kids - then I learned how strong your head is as a kid and how weak they become as adults...I didn't even get to "see stars" when my bonk happened - just pitch black. Darn...
My head hurts just thinking of it all.
Yes, the literal will get you every time!
Perfect pictures.... and .... what have you learned from this? :) (kidding)
That is too cute. My boys, 2 and 5, run around after bath time pretending to be naked super heros. They scream "I am naked Man!" and chase each other.
I love your advice about, just turn and run the other way and you'll be first. I'm def. using that!
We lived overseas for a while, and the driving was horrific.
Once, our son and another friend decided to play "Mauritanian drivers." They ran their bikes smack head-on into each other. My son, like yours, has an extremely hard head, so he was fine, but his friend got an enormous fat lip. It was really rather funny.
Oh yes, the joys of the literal!
Doh!
Well, lesson learned, right? :)
60 comments...holy cow! anyway...your posts crack me up! my son is so like that...he isn't quite 4 and everything is literal. i have to watch what i say to him because i'm going to find one of my other children badly beaten from the little guy!
i'm laughing myself off to sleep now!
thanks for the last chuckle of the night!
Ah yes, The Literal.
Someday they do grow out of it. Unless they are attornies.
Great photos, lol.
I smell football in his future...
SA
mmm hmmm. That's right, raise'n 'em down right literal down South.
I'll have to try that game out since I have a couple of scarves lying around.
And I better wear a cup too.
Bah, when he gets older he'll just explain such things away like, "wind drag on larger unit I possess is just slowing me down."
Still a head ramming issue.
Fantastic! Oh the literal, indeed.
Literal :) Oh the joy of having kids!
I have a 10 yr old son - and I can still relate ;)
OK I DID IT! Damn that maternal detecto-eye really works well.
Hey - I play that game!
I didn't see it coming. Nice!
We had two 3 year old boys here while their plarents went out to dinner tonight ... such crazy! Such fun. I love little kids some days, don't you? They're so ... free and energetic!
LOL... I was just like The Mayor when I was a kid. Very. Literal.
The photos are excellent!
Maternal detecto eyes are awesome. Oh, the literal lovelies.... You are such a great storyteller!
Oh god, the heads. How are heads that are not fully knitted yet SO FREAKING HARD?!
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