Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Waste Management

This weekend The Rooster and I were in the bathroom together enjoying some co-potty bonding time.

When it was over (and were done singing kum-by-yah) she told me she didn’t want to wear a diaper.


Some bad logic got a hold of me and I decided that if she had to pee she would tell me or, worst case scenario, I would have to clean pee up off the floor.


[Oh, the pushover that I am!]


What I didn’t anticipate was that she would look up at me and say,

“Uh-oh, poopy, Mama!”
Or that I would have to clean up a pile of loose poop that slipped out her rear door, slid down her leg like a fireman and landed with a soft thump on the kitchen floor.

[A mess! A mess, I tell you.]


Later that night K and I decided to take the children downtown for the last outdoor, neighborhood concert of the season.


The Mayor and The Rooster were excited about staying out after dark and wanted to wear pajamas.


[Saves me time on the back end? Okay! Pajamas it is!!]


An hour past their bedtime I decided it was time to burn off any remaining toddler jet fuel.


I initiated my favorite toddler exhaustion game which I lovingly call, “RUN! RUN! RUN!”

Each player is challenged to run as fast as his or her small legs can carry him or her to (that really far off spot over there) and back.


Then players repeat the really fast run over there again and again until there is a great toddler wheezing.


The Mayor and The Rooster drew quite a bit of attention running up and down the town square in their pajamas at break neck speed dodging the scooters and skateboards of the bigger kids.


Suddenly K noticed that The Rooster was distractedly pulling at her pajama pants leg which was bulging strangely.

He unzipped her pajamas only to find that her diaper had released its grip on her waist and slid down the fireman’s pole formerly known as her leg.

Of course… sometime AFTER the diaper’s departure The Rooster released a great and mighty tidal wave of pee.


Her pajamas were soaked and, because I am a supremely talented mother, I never seem to have a change of clothes no matter where I go.


Rooster had nothing to wear and was soon streaking back and forth across the town square in the dark clad only in a diaper and light up sneakers.


Two young girls stopped to point, laugh and shriek,
“DIAPERS! She’s in diapers! Eeeeewwwww!”
Only to hear their father yell,
“So what? You used to run around in nothing but diapers all the time!”
They didn’t hear me add,
“U punk @zz chumps!”
[Because I didn’t SAY it. I was just THINKING it.]

My children, finally exhausted, were herded to the car and ushered to bed.


But in the morning I woke to this,
“Mommy, I wet the bed!”
Every day is the same.

Oh, the EXCRETIOUS joys.





* My apologies to blog friends... my work life is interfering with my time for blogs and blogging (the NERVE!)

73 comments:

3carnations said...

Potty training. The joys, indeed. I am the queen of having a spare outfit, though. I'm convinced that we can't get two feet away from our front door without a change of clothes. In reality, we haven't needed a spare outfit in six months. That won't keep me from having one. My son has mastered No. 1 on the potty. No. 2 has become a challenge...but it's his challenge. He demonstrates that he knows when to go, but he appears to choose not to. All in due time, I'm sure. It's amazing how well poo washes out of clothes, though! :)

dgibbs said...

I hope you accept the award I given you it is posted up on my blog.

Kyla said...

Yes, yes. The joys. Last week KayTar some how completely wet her diaper during her naptime, but once I got her out of the crib she had to let loose one more time and it soaked through my clothes and ran down MY leg. Yuck.

Victoria said...

Mine are out of diapers, but we still have the "I wet the bed" nights. I hate those mornings!

Good luck with potty training. I was a lazy "trainer".

Deb said...

WE havent had the wet the bed, only wet the pants RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL, RIGHT AFTER WE CAME inside, went pee, and proceeded to still wet our pants!

acumamakiki said...

Potty training tortured me (as did teething) because I was so misinformed on how it would go, or that copious poo could leak so fast from such a small bottom.
Personally, I think there's nothing cuter than diapers and light-up sneakers, I just haven't figured out how to work it out for my 43 year old self. (=

Lawyer Mama said...

Now I want to see Kiki in a diaper in light up sneakers!

Ah, the joys of potty training. We've had many poo incidents here. Why is it that it's always runnier if they AREN'T wearing a diaper????

Jodi said...

High five to that dad who chastised those girls. The world would be a nicer place if everyone ran around in panties and light-up sneakers at night.

Shannon said...

Oh dear lord am I laughing. I'm allowed to because I still go through the pee stuff at least.

I NEVER bring a change of clothes for the kids. I thought I'd learn by now, but I can't get over feeling invincible and that nothing will happen when we're out and about.

angela said...

The very same thing happened with Audrey. I thought the dog pooped on the floor. So, here I am scolding the dog when I realize there are raisins dotting the poo.
"Dogs don't eat raisins!"
Poor Audrey, she knew all along. She had just stood there, legs spread, waiting for me to realize the poo exploded from her diaper.

Rachel said...

Oh, I feel you. Accidents are the worst. At our house, they always seem to happen (a) when the washer is broken and/ or (b) right when I'm getting ready to leave for work.

Magpie said...

I love the comment from the father bystander!

This too shall pass.

Bon said...

i fear these days of free-ranging waste. they are looming, and they scare the crap right, erm, outta me.

but, i'm taking notes. change of clothes? check. no diaper? not til college.

you are so edificational. :)

Not the Queen said...

So. Freakin'. Funny. I remember those days! At least she pooped in the kitchen.

Lori at Spinning Yellow said...

We have poop and pee on the floor, in the bed, all the time. We knew there would be a lot of this with little kids, but now that they are 6 & 3, you'd think it would be done. Never.

Diaper-clad runner with light-up shoes. Too cute!

Moi said...

I have just come outr of the back end (pun totally intended!) of potty training.

*Knocks on wood*

I feel your pain. Good luck!

JoeinVegas said...

Sad that they will not remember this years from now when they are changing your diaper.

mark said...

One day the tables will turn - when the Rooster is an adult, and you're well into retirement. Two words: Adult Diapers.

SouthernBell said...

Damn the Man for interfering!

pinks & Blues Girls said...

Deliciousness! Nothin' like a fresh poop in the kitchen and a nice wet bed in the mornin'.

Jane, Pinks & Blues

Jenifer said...

Poop on the floor is much easier than say poop on the sofa! You can not learned the change of clothes lesson? I can barely leave the house without changes of clothes ALWAYS and my girls are 4 & 6. I feel like if I forget them once I will regret it.

Streaking in the town square always sounds like something wonderful!

ewe are here said...

I see our potty training pants free future, and it isn't pretty.

sigh

jen said...

check out Roo, growing bigger by the second.

It made me wish i could go on a pajama walk w/ the Joys, I'd even carry the change of clothes.

and hang in there, sister. brighter times ahead.

Honeybell said...

I have about a year before embarking on the final potty training of our four . . . but I'm thinking that game might work well for Mr. Honeybell . . .

SouthernBell said...

I'm totally over trying to train my 2-year-old. It's exhausting.

MamaLee said...

Ah, I hear that song. I'm on my last potty training babe. Hopefully it'll be FAST and not full of poop - on the floor, that is.

Above Average Joe said...

Nothing sucks more than having a diaper bag without a change of clothes included...

Except forgetting previously mentioned diaper bag after wife puts you in charge of bringing it.

Not that I know anything about that.

sugarbooger said...

So, what's up with these parents who claim they've never slapped a diaper on their kid, but just let them go commando from birth and trained them that way?

liv said...

Roo and Peep seem to be on the same developmental curve...the I want panties, but I'm not sure I can totally handle it yet stage. D's prolonged diaper life seems easier in retrospect.

corgimom said...

"Waste Management" is all that it is--the tykes have all (or none?) of the control.
I think I may use diapers and light-up sneakers for my birthday party theme this year!

QT said...

I guess the bright side is it happened on a hard surface - the dogs always manage to unleash some kind of nastiness on the carpet.

I love the diaper & light up sneakers ~ TOTALLY!

nell said...

The fun just never ends, does it?

Katie R. said...

I NEVER bring extra clothes, anywhere. Unless the excursion actually requires a suitcase of course. So nice to know I'm not the only one without extras. I'm happy if I find a diaper and a bag of semi-wet wipes in the back seat of the car.

painted maypole said...

love the image of the kids running back and forth. We used to play that game a lot. Never really seemed to work quite as well as I had hoped...

flutter said...

You know, I will just be aunty to your kiddos, and leave the whole mama thing to those who know what the hell they are doing :)

Rock the Cradle said...

heh heh heh.

you said EXCRETIOUS.

Heh.

Mine will NOT use the potty for poop for love or money OR the toodler equivalent of money...Sweetarts (NO I haven't stooped to bribery...yet.)

And how much pee can a pre 3 year old have?

OCEANS.

Rimarama said...

There's only a short window of time in which a girl can get away streaking around town in only a pull-up and light-up sneakers. Go Rooster!

M&Co. said...

Now see, I think everything is better in a diaper and light up sneakers. I mean, I wish I HAD some of those.

Mimi aka pz5wjj said...

Oh, I am with you on so many points on this post!

We too play the running game, let our kids out in the PJ's (the grocery store at bedtime is a favorite) and enjoy co-potty bonding!

And I can't even count the number of times my kids have had to ride home in the car completely bare naked for one reason or another!

Sigh... and these days will be over before we know it....

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

Your description of the poo falling down The Rooster's leg was so eloquent! *snort*

I am NOT looking forward to the business of pooty training.

mothergoosemouse said...

Spare outfit? What a novel idea!

(I'm still not going to carry one. Live dangerously, I say.)

~JJ! said...

Well, THAT is the best game ever.

Run Run Run!

I must try it.

However, I'm sure packing an extra outfit is just a silly myth brought on by overzealous nannies.

A real mom would never remember to carry that...There's too much else to worry about.

Cathy said...

We play "RUN! RUN! RUN!" too.

Sarcasm Abounds said...

I have this same problem with a pair of persnickety pug puppies, who I always foolishly assume have finally been housetrained.

SA

Amanda said...

We went from zero to sixty in our potty training with our three year old. Coincidentally, constipation seemed to come along right as she began using the potty.

Now it is one big, "Mama, come look I pooped. Mama come look it's a (insert color depending upon which farmer's market bounty was used in the previous night's dinner) on." I find myself wondering what we'll we do when we graduate from marveling at her masterpieces.

*~*Cece*~* said...

Oh the crazy days of potty training. Wouldn't it be nice, as adults, to get away with running around the town square in panties and light up shoes? *sigh*

Jen M. said...

I love how you compare her leg to the firepole. Am I to assume to lump of poo is the fireman? Great post.

You are the most amazingly prolific blog visitor I have ever come across. Surely you don't need to apologize for a busy week. Seriously, man. Take a break.

SquidgesMum said...

Squidge figured out how to take her nappy off- fun times!

Mrs. Chicken said...

Potty training is the one parenting task that TOTALLY FREAKS MY STUFF OUT.

BOSSY said...

"I initiated my favorite toddler exhaustion game which I lovingly call, “RUN! RUN! RUN!”

Bossy is pretty sure she and Joys played this game in the lobby of the W hotel.

laundrylessons said...

Poop and pee does get old. Seems we have a break for a few years and then we'll be in depends.

Omaha Mama said...

Your post stresses me out. I've got an 18-month old BOY. And am not starting the training until he's...oh...ready for kindergarten?? Because I don't even know how to train a boy, or want to train a boy, or want to be one of those moms who talk about how much pee their bathrooms are covered in by their sons.

Oh, now there's some joy.

BTW, great post. Even if it gave me a twitch.

Wendy said...

I just thank the Lord that I was born when I was and not when there were no washing machines and dryers! A scrub brush and a rock by the river would suck.

carrie said...

Hey! We (I mean, my daughter, not me) woke up with wet sheets this morning too -- must be something in the air!

Mandaroo said...

ohhh, I don't miss that one bit! I, like you, always forgot the spare clothes. It could be worse......There's a new show on tv about a family with 1 set of twin girls, and sextuplets! Imagine the potty training they're gonna be going through! They were 16 months old and all still in diapers........

Momma Bean said...

I shouldn't giggle, but what a sight that must have been! I've only just started the daily potty meetings, wherein I sit on the potty and they look at me and maybe ask for a square of paper. Fun, isn't it?

The Chick said...

"slid down her leg like a fireman" My lit prof would be so proud of such description. I am in awe as always, J!

Loralee Choate said...

I loathe excrement and everything associated with it.

In fact, I prefer to think that bowel movements are just a vast, left-wing conspiracy to sell more granola.

I have THROWN away more pairs of training underwear than I can probably fess up to because I just don't deal well with it.

FENICLE said...

I just don't get how these kids can shit standing up??? HOW????

Alpha DogMa said...

WHAT?
SHE RAN AROUND IN JUST A DIAPER!!!11!!!
Oh, wait. You live in the south. You can still go out in the evenings and not need snow jackets. Okay, then. I shan't call social services on you. THIS TIME!
Do you think we'll ever be nostalgic for diaper duty? Every other baby phase seems to eventually pass into the area of whimsical recollection, but not this one.

childlife said...

A diaper and light up sneakers :) Makes me smile just to think of it! Who needs a change of clothes anyway?

Denguy said...

Ugh, you and p

Denguy said...

That was suppose to say:

Ugh, you and poo!

Queen Karana said...

Is it the MOON?
Seriously. What is UP? The Dragon just had a huge accident today and she's 5! The pee, I get. It can happen to the best of us. But yeah, somehow in the process of unleashing all this pee she managed to poop too. And she was standing up. In the bathroom. Less than a foot away from the potty. I am so confused.

So, be comforted. I am experiencing "joys" right along with you.

Veronica said...

Fun times to be had by all :)

Stepping Over the Junk said...

It's okay, I got a good talking to when I was married and I had no extra diaper or clothes for my 3 year old, whilst at a very snooty country club. Apparently, naked toddlers arent okay there.

SciFi Dad said...

Someone actually said "ew" to a baby toddler wearing diapers? Seriously?

But yeah, we're totally on board with the wearing pajamas out in public before bed, except at the mall... dunno why, but my wife won't let her wear them at the mall.

b*babbler said...

Too. Busy. Laughing. To. Comment.

Rusti said...

Thanks for the never-ending laughs J - they keep me going :)

Jo Beaufoix said...

Ooo we are also having interesting excretions at the moment with Miss M.
It's such fun.

Candace said...

how do you make a story about pp and poop so good that I want to eat it up. (that came out wrong)
but really when are you writing a book?

Aliki2006 said...

Such a clear image in my head, the picture you paint...I have never mastered the art of bringing a change of clothes everywhere I go. I am often put to shame by my sister-in-law who always has two sets of everything with her AT ALL TIMES. This is also the reason why we have so many of her boys' clothes over at our house.

JJGames said...

One of my brothers wet the bed until they were starting elementary school. It makes me hope my kids can learn fast.