Friday, October 05, 2007

Concealer

My friend Michele is someone I rely on to explain things to me.

When I was 8 months pregnant with The Mayor it was she who took me aside and explained the possibility of post partum hemorrhoids (in incredible detail) and how one would treat such an affliction.

[My friend Elke’s husband also tried to explain this to me and because of his use of particularly powerful analogy I will never again eat a fingerling potato.]

When The Mayor was born, Michele was the person who tied an “It’s A Boy” balloon to my mailbox and brought me a gift bag full of Tucks Medicated Pads and Preparation H.

In times of stress, only a true friend will deliver a bag full of soothing butt medication.

Michele had no way of knowing that three years later I would apply her butt medication to my face.

She came over the other day and sat me on the couch.

“We have to talk about your face,” she said. “Do you have any concealer?”

“What is concealer?” I asked.

[I had to look up the correct spelling of “concealer” on the internet.]

Michele rolled her eyes.

“What about moisturizer?” she asked.

“What about it? I put it on all over after I swim.” I said.

“Not moisturizer for your ass, moisturizer for your face.”

“I don’t use any,” I told her.

“WHAT??!!” She yelled. “What do you mean you don’t use moisturizer?! You HAVE to use it. What is wrong with you?”

“What are you talking about? You’re speaking in tongues!”

“Jessica. Concealer will hide the bags under your eyes and moisturizer… well you just have to use that.” She told me.

“Why,” I whined. “Why do I have to use it?”

Michele’s mouth hung open. Incredulous, she said,

“Because you are forty, friend. One word: wrinkles.”

She volunteered to take me to the mall to find the right concealer. She even promised to buy me my first… tube? tub? vat? (What does it look like, anyway?)

Throwing a monkey wrench in the whole complicated process, Michele then suggested that I use the concealer and follow it up with tinted moisturizer with sunscreen in it.

Tinted?

I suppose next I will have to have myself detailed. Souped up.



Forty Year Old Car Looks Twenty Again!



My friend Elke, alerted to Michele’s difficulty in correctly training me in the ways of middle aged beauty secrets, chimed in,

“All a woman has is her skin.”




What?

[You can’t have my liver. I’m using it.]

I am so confused.

Where is the line between health and beauty?


*******************************************************

Yesterday Ms. Kaos left me a comment saying,

"I am so happy for you that you now have a photo of K in that [ranger] hat to paste into things..."

Me too, friend.




Dance, Ranger! Dance!


***********
********************************************

Signs your butt is massive by KC at Where's My Cape was so funny that I had to give it an ROFL award.

Sep

Next month it's your turn to spread the love...

To nominate someone for an ROFL Award, send
Chicky Chicky Baby or Metro Mama an e-mail and they'll put you on the mailing list and let you know when to send in a link to the post you liked.

You can read all the ROFL posts for this month at
Chicky Chicky Baby and Metro Mama.

64 comments:

3carnations said...

I'm also beauty impaired. I own moisturizer, but stopped using it because it just made me look shiny. I was concerned about causing a glare for others. Concealer...eh. Every once in a while if I've got a really big zit, I try to cover it up, but why bother, when they're such a source of joy for my husband and bring out my son's nurturing instincts allowing him to ask about my "owie"?

Avery Gray said...

Ah, fun with Photoshop! Hilarious!! I just love your blog!

Momma Bean said...

Stacy at Jurgen Nation is my "Michelle". She once gifted me the Lucky Shopping Manual in the hopes that I would get the hint. I even asked her what Mary Janes would go well with my Beans' Thanksgiving dresses. She rocks. We all need friends like Michelle and Stacy.

nikki said...

Photoshop is a beautiful, beautiful program. How else could we embarrass the ones we love so dearly?

Anonymous said...

If you are serious about keeping your face hydrated..go to any of the counters in any large department store...stuff is pricey but tell them you want minimum coverage...I went to modeling.. school when my skin was perfect and didn't start using any stuff till well into my thirties..by the by your face looks fabulous.
mauniejames3

JoeinVegas said...

Prep H for under the eyes - come on, you don't need it already, do you? Doesn't look like it from here.

Mrs. Chicky said...

What? No moisturizer? Ever??? You're lucky you're just a naturally gorgeous woman.

zellmer said...

Can I give you the award now for that Ranger Ballerina photo alone? You should post a warning on such posts for us who are 8-months-pregnant and likely to pee our pants at such things.
:)

tulipmom said...

Seriously, how do you look so good without moisturizer or concealer?!

acumamakiki said...

you are the queen of the cut and paste.

i told my husband to throw that picture OUT of my dunlap (aka dun laps over my jeans), how did you get your hands on it?

you've got good friends that have shown you the moisturizer and concealing side of life.

Craze said...

Yup, concealer and moisturizer are must haves for the 40 year old.

Misty said...

this post made me laugh, and laugh, and I haven't quite stopped yet...

I am a bit jealous. I have, these past few days, been wishing that I could meet a friend with stellar beauty tips. Now that I am in my 30's, my eye lashes have suddenly developed a life of their own and are being diagnosed (by me) with SEVERE Oppositional Defiance Disorder... Where ever did you find your Michelle??? :)

Emily said...

I was genetically damned with dark undereye circles from an early age (thanks mom!). After trying numerous brands, I will tell you I like Clinique's concealer best, the darkest one they have, even tho I'm pretty pale skinned. If you get something too light, it just draws more attention to that area. Also some are too cakey and just make the wrinkles more apparent.

mamatulip said...

I don't do anything with my face. I rarely moisturize and I rarely wear makeup. I just wash it every morning with Aveeno Oatmeal face wash and then swab it at night with Witch Hazel and call it a day.

Thalia's Child said...

I just laughed so hard my nosy husband came and tried to read over my shoulder!

Myself, I'm hair-impaired.

Bananas said...

My sister smears olive oil on her face every day... no joke. I tried it once and had so many zits I couldn't find my nose. Well not really but I IMAGINE that's what would happen. My joy with aging is acne. Lots of it. I mean come ON! what did I do to deserve this??

SouthernBell said...

You have yourself a great friend! Now go replace her moisturizer with glue.

Shannon said...

I am a beauty miminalist. Eyeliner, undereye concealer and Vaseline for the lips are the only things I wear most days.

I'd go without the concealer, but when I've gone without it, I've had too many people ask "Oooh, you must've been out partying last night."

That is not a good thing especially when I was not in fact partying the night before.

Catizhere said...

concealer. meh.

I have been cursed with my mothers' AND Grandmothers' dark circles. At the age of 7 or so, I started looking really, really, tired.
If I don't apply a coat of yellow concealer stick, tinted moisturizer then a top-coat of fair-medium concealer, I look like Uncle Fester.

crazymumma said...

I want that car.

I'm 45. I wear my wrinkles with pride. I've earned them.

slouching mom said...

Yeah, well I'm 40 in four weeks now, and I don't use concealer.

Dunno.

I guess I don't care that much.

Don't wrinkles add character? ;)

Biddy said...

oh dear...i've been using concealer sinc high school!!

Rimarama said...

Fingerling potatoes? Oh, my stars.

KC said...

Thanks for the ROFL nod, babe. But now everyone's going to know who's captain of the massive butt club...

(oh and if all a woman has is her skin, dude.)

liv said...

Jess, really, Trish McEvoy's dual pan concealer is da bomb. It is almost 30 dollars, but lasts forever and you will thank yourself for buying it. It is my only go to cosmetic outside of Chanel gloss aka the finest product ever! Oh, and philosophy's Hope In A Jar is terrific!

Deb said...

OH Kevin doing ballet, whats next Riverdance?

Miguelina. said...

The ranger wears that tutu like nobody's business.

PunditMom said...

Four words, my friend -- tinted moisturizer with sunscreen! For those of us who think a successful "beauty" regimen means we actually get to shower every day (!), this is 3-in-1 heaven.

And, as always, NICE photo!

CamiKaos said...

I read this entire post nodding and smiling and thinking I should start using concealer until I got to the part where "Ms. Kaos" left you a comment and I thought to myself. "Who is this Ms. Kaos using my name... ohhh.. look at K in the tutu... Oh, I SAID THAT. See how brilliant I am!

Emily said...

Oprah says, concealer, blush and lip gloss are the three beauty must haves. (moisturizer is an unspoken, as in implied).

I hate when people leave comments that begin with, "Oprah says..." My deepest apologies.

Thank goodness for good friends.

Sue at nobaddays said...

That range in the tutu? Made my day, dear!

BOSSY said...

Moisturizer? For the face? Next thing you'll be telling Bossy she has to brush those things. Teeth.

Queen of Shake-Shake said...

Where IS that line?

meno said...

Tinted moisurizer with sunscreen? What next? Prep H with rum and tonic?

Shauna Loves Chocolate said...

I'm am so clueless when it comes to beauty and fashion. I need a Tim Gunn makeover. Bad.

allrileyedup said...

I attended a friend's make-up party once and they had me putting on like 5 different moisturizers by the end of the night. It was confusing. And scary. But just think, if you keep using it, then you will be that souped up car with a vanity plate that says
IM A MILF.

Worker Mommy said...

Ha, don't we all have that friend. You know the one that "gently" knudges us in the right direction when we need it. Yep, gotta love her for keeping us from being a total wreck!

mothergoosemouse said...

You look this good without having used moisturizer, like...EVER?!

I wear almost no makeup, but I must have the moisturizer (especially with sunscreen, living way up here).

Concealer on the other hand...nothing's gonna help these bags.

stella said...

flashbacks flashbacks!

ackkkkkkkkkkkkkk

http://www.zenproof.com/findingzen/2006/07/say_hello_to_my.html

i am so afraid of delivering. especially now that proverbial 'cherry' AKA 'ass blossom' has been POPPED.

AWESOME!

stella said...

okay so that didn't work. just look under TMI (category). you will see my friend. i know all to well the Mighty Ass Blossom.

~JJ! said...

HA!

painted maypole said...

how the dickens did you get that picture of me squeezing my midsection?!?!?!?

Mimi said...

It could be worse. My MOM took me shopping for foundation (ie, more tint, less moisturizer) last year. She said I look orange without it. It is my recollection from high school that most people look orange WITH it.

Sigh.

Magpie said...

A toe dancing Ranger!

Scribbit said...

Okay is it too weird that I LOVE the smell of Tucks? I don't know if it's the association with babies because it sure as heck can't be the association with epesiotomies. Or however you spell the darn word.

Friends tell friends to use Tucks.

Loralee Choate said...

In my book, health crosses over to beauty when you start saying things like "I don't sweat when I jog, I glisten."

Aliki2006 said...

I do use moisturizer (I have to, really) but I'm always negligent of my feet. I'm always amazed at women I see whose feet are so immaculate. It just never occurs to me to take care of FEET.

notfearingchange said...

i would recommend going to a dermalogica spa...have them do a skin assessment and a facial and then buy a bunch of the products.

*shrug* that's the way i learn. oh and i look 21! :O) (yeah i know you want to shoot me)

Kyla said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't know this stuff. Although, I do use a tinted moisturizer with sunscreen on occassion.

K makes a wonderful ballerina. Perhaps he should make a career change?

Lawyer Mama said...

Well, babe, I've seen you in person and you don't really *need* moisturizer or concealer, but it sounds like Michelle is a good friend. I need one of her. Do you suppose I could borrow her the next time I go shopping for jeans?

Em said...

Butt cream for your face? What the heck are you trying to conceal?? Maybe it is best I don't know!

Fairly Odd Mother said...

40 and no moisturizer? Good God, woman, that is like driving without a seatbelt. . .well, actually it is nothing like that, but it is suprising that you have fared so well over these years.

flutter said...

and yet you manage to be outrageously hot.

Matthew said...

Even I use moisturizer! With SPF-15 built in. To help with the crows feet around my eyes.

Please don't tell my buddies.

Queen Karana said...

Oh yeah, I'm rather clueless in this age too. I do have the tinted moisturizer with sunscreen though. I like it... remembering to use it all the time is a completely different story.

carrie said...

Don't feel bad. I think you look great, even sans moisturizer and concealer!

Moisturizer, schmoisturizer!

Kim said...

Okay... I love cre8buzz if for no other reason than that it lead me to your blog. I know where I am going to come when I need a laugh. And I need a laugh quite often!

Kim @ TheBitterBall

Moving Mama said...

Without moisturizer, I would have shriveled into a prune about 10 years ago - but, hey, it would have matched my mommy tummy!

Kathy said...

I'm 34 and have never used moisturizer. I'm too afraid the acne I had at age 15-20 would come back with a vengeance if I started now. (I have noticed I have to physically pull my eyelids up to put on eyeshadow, as they are no longer taut.) However, no one sees me without under-eye concealer. Not even my cat.

susiej said...

I am unable to comment on your lovely post above, about your Grandmother. Blogger, I think is full, so I will send you my prayers, love, and light from here. I'm sorry.

Gingers Mom said...

I haven't been able to live without my foundation and concealer since I was a teenager! And seriously...a good eye cream can do WONDERS.

Swistle said...

That is so funny: "We have to talk about your face."

fidget said...

omg bwhahahahahahhah excellent photochop!

When your friend is done edumacting ou on proper skin care, can I borrow her cause really, I'm at a loss. The only makeup I own is leftover from my wedding 6 1/2 years ago. Unfortunately I lost the accompanying 2 pages of single spaced text that decoded the mysteries of application

Anonymous said...

I use natural remedies to eliminate dark circles under eyes. It's all about your health