I sometimes wish my weekend days would stretch out in front of me completely unfettered.
I dream of leisurely drinking coffee and reading the newspaper until I decide what to do next, but those days are long gone.
Now there are sippy cups to be filled and refilled, snacks to be made, rejected and re-made, laundry to be done and the many other incessant tasks of family life to tend.
I felt the burn of it last weekend. I wanted a taste of the freedom of my twenties and felt a sort of melancholy longing for my old life.
I was in the kitchen starting dinner, feeling whistful and listening to K in the next room asking The Mayor and The Rooster to "PLEASE LISTEN!!"
[Futile endeavor, that.]
A song I like started playing on the kitchen CD player.
I dream of leisurely drinking coffee and reading the newspaper until I decide what to do next, but those days are long gone.
Now there are sippy cups to be filled and refilled, snacks to be made, rejected and re-made, laundry to be done and the many other incessant tasks of family life to tend.
I felt the burn of it last weekend. I wanted a taste of the freedom of my twenties and felt a sort of melancholy longing for my old life.
I was in the kitchen starting dinner, feeling whistful and listening to K in the next room asking The Mayor and The Rooster to "PLEASE LISTEN!!"
[Futile endeavor, that.]
A song I like started playing on the kitchen CD player.
Spontaneously, I spread my arms out and spun around and around.
When I felt dizzy I stopped myself in the center of the kitchen floor, closed my eyes and felt my body sway in drunken circles.
I did it again and again and relished the wild, out of control sensation it created.
I did it again and again and relished the wild, out of control sensation it created.
I felt free for a few moments and that was something.
It was, surprisingly, enough.
74 comments:
Dizzy is my preferred state of being, and strangely enough, I don't always need to twirl.
You keep on spinning, girlfriend. Spin for your freedom.
Isn't it nice to step out of the moment, for a split second, only to realize where you are today has a better spin? =)
i think this is why i have to assert my independence so frequently by getting ME time - it's the day-to-day that makes it such a grind sometime. I love being a mama and I have a blessed life but sometimes, I think 'come on, is this it?'
i think i need to start spinning.
As I sit here at 7:44am with a little, whining boy who got up too early, I can relate. This weekend, I had some 'alone time' and pulled out my old PJ Harvey CD's and skipped around the house, trying to channel those years gone past.
I wish I could still spin. Unfortunately, "the taller they are, the harder they fall" seems to be the rule now.
Isn't it amazing how a song can transport us somewhere else! I so get this post...after being on vacation together for 8 days 24/7 I am yearning for a moment of freedom of my own.
At least it only takes a minute of spinning for you to gain a little perspective. It usually takes a bottle of wine for me to feel that dizziness and perspective.
I'd be w whirling dervish in order to get that sensation....
Good for you.
Knowing me, I would have crashed into something and harmed my body in a very painful way.
Congratulations on your brief escape!
I want one of those days too!!! The day where I could wake up and grab the book I fell asleep reading and read some more, maybe eat breakfast, maybe not. Get up in the late afternoon and meet some friends for a bite and a beer.
I guess we should be glad we know what that feels like, right?
I know how you feel..exactly. My spinning moments come in my car, no kids, loud music, singing with abandon; wind (or a/c - I'm not 20 you know!) in my hair...a little slice of freedom. And then back to my babies. There are times when I could just scream having to fill one more sippy!
Oh now I know what I'll be doing on my lunch break.
Oh, I know that feeling! To escape with out going anywhere -- to fly with out leaving the ground...
That worked, huh? I'll have to try that next time I feel that way.
oh sister. i know. i so know.
Glad that spinning did the trick! Having a soundtrack to one's life does wonders, too. I often forget to listen to my tunes these days and whenever I remember, it always "takes me back" and gives me a little lift.
Dizzy, lost in music, too much wine... they all work. Just take your pick! Escapism is underrated.
Jane, P&B Girls
Instead of spinning I just drink Vodka.
OH yes, I know. I have to admit that I've indulged in spinning before too, although usually with my kids. I understand why kids like to do it so much.
I used to spin all the time when I was a kid. Sometimes for no other purpose than the sensation of dizziness, and sometimes to turn into Wonderwoman.
But when I did it with my kids recently, I got motion sickness :( It's not so fun anymore.
I'm glad you found freedom and release in your spin.
Oh yeah. I so know that feeling... remembering how it was. No responsibilities... sleeping late... going for brunches... But you know? It probably really wasn't as good as we remember it. (At least that's what I keep telling myself!)
Hang in there, baby - another Friday's coming! (They always do...)
I have to try this. Because I've been longing for those days lately, wishing I could go back and talk to that silly girl.
I know exactly where you're coming from. Dizziness and all.
There something about spinning that sends you straight to childhood. Hold on to that freedom...
Oh the tinge of sadness I just felt reading this. Glad you found your space.
It will be easier when your kids get a little older - once you navigate their burgeoning schedules. I promise.
Until then, spin on mama. Be well.
Thanks for this. I'll have to try it next time I feel trapped and wishing for that feeling again. That feeling of having control over your time or (gasp!) just being alone in the quiet. That'll probably be in the next five minutes.
Ahh. You and Jack would get along. He spins for the sake of spinning (and the feeling of dizziness that ensues) at least three times a day.
I feel this way more often than I'd like to admit. I can't spin (I have vertigo) but have found that a hula hoop provides the same affect!
It think it's common to delete meaningless movement from our lives once we have kids. Everything we do, every word we say has to have a purpose...a destination, because THERE ISN'T ENOUGH TIME TO DO ALL THAT WE NEED TO DO IN ONE DAY!! I think you've hit upon something, OTJ! Every day should include some spontaneous action or word or endeavor that brings nothing but joy. Twirling sounds like a good place to start, my friend. Lead the way.
When you finally do get that "Me" time do you ever sit nervously and wonder, "What do I do now?" Huh, must just be me.
I think that is why kids spend so much of their days hopping and twirling. There is freedom in it.
Why did that bring tears to my eyes? Is it because I'm helplessly hormonal, or because I so understand that feeling of missing the carefree days?
In order to enjoy my daily freedom I get up an hour earlier than the rest of my family, even on the weekend. I get to sit and drink coffee, eat a pastry and be online, uninerrupted, for about 45 minutes. Once I hear the patter of feet down the hall I smile, log out and welcome back my family life. Its great to have the best of both worlds.
Makes me want to go outside and jump on the swing set and close my eyes!
Aaaaaaaah . . .
ps. I don't know how I'd survive without my kitchen cd player.
When i was a new mother, as opposed to the OLD mother i am now, the thing i missed the most was being able to do the Sunday Crossword.
But being dizzy would have been an adequate substitute, just for a minute.
All that without the hangover.
Now, I would've fallen over and puked if I did that but the written image is lovely.
Oh I know how you feel. I totally get it. :)
Just how I feel on the weekends! Where do they go? Why am I spending them picking smashed peas out of the burber? I think I need to go out for a spin...
I had a similar moment in my car. A great song came on the radio and I turned it up and tuned the kids out. For a minute I felt young again. Until their clamoring for me to turn my horrible music down got to be enough.
I'm glad you took your moment.
I can relate. Sometimes I need just a quick break from the weekend grind to realize just how lucky I am to not be single and 20-something again.
Sometimes I lock myself in the bathroom and play Tetris on my cellphone.....
I should try spinning.
I'm totally trying this. It's a brilliant idea, one that I wish I'd thought of myself.
Lordy, I so know what you mean. A nap, just a Saturday afternoon nap! I'll have to remember that spinning trick though.
Ah, the beauty of vertigo. Joles gets a kick out of doing this too. But, oh, how I long for a weekend with absolutely nothing to do, no schedules, no early morning wakings. Even if I had one sans kid, I'd still wake up early, itching to get things done.
Most days I'm far too busy worrying to carpe the damn diem. I guess I'll get better at it, though. You seem to have.
I'm glad the spinning did the trick - that feeling can be hard to shake sometimes. I love when it's that easy - just a song or a daydream, a break from the routine, and you're revived somehow...
Ah sometimes a sweet, sweet moment is just. enough.
I know EXACTLY what you mean.
Excellent advice!
I'm dizzy just reading it! I do this often- but usually in my living room with a babe in arms - the squeals of delight from them can keep me smiling for the rest of the day. I probably should try it on my own for those (frequent) 'I need 5 minutes to myself' moments.
Self therapizing without the use of artificial stimulants! Well done you.
Best wishes
You had Bossy at "unfettered." Who could concentrate on the rest?
I love the image of this.
actually, I DO have my weekends free and unfettered. The current arrangement with soon-to-be-ex is that he takes Calder all weekend, and while empty days were what I dreamed of a year or so ago, now they loom and the dizziness is not the fun kind. I wish I could get back that feeling.
"enough" What a glorious concept, no? Ti be sated for a moment in time, to not need or want more, but for something, some thing, to be enough? What a wonderful gift.
You go girl! WOOT! And did you have a twirly skirt on? It's better like that. Well, at least I used to think so. When I was 6. *sigh*
Well....I feel that way on a regular basis...it's as if someone is perpetually spinning me...
Wonder what it would take for me to feel free? HMMMMMMM!
I think I probably would turn into a puke sprinkler if I did that.
My freedom is driving ALONE and singing full volume.
hmmmmm.....I should give that a try. I'll try anything at this point!
I usually follow such nostalgia for freedom with guilt. Mommy guilt.
But just once, to roll out of bed when I wanted - instead of what happens now. The kid from his crib, "mom. mom? Mommy? MOMMEEEE?!!!!" Yes, we are bound by duty.
I may go spin myself dizzy right now.
Wow. I will have to try that.
Dancing in the kitchen. Fantastic. I need to do that more!
Spinning is cheaper than alchohol. I'll have to give it a shot :)
That is how I feel on the drive home, when I can sing my heart out.
OH thank God there is someone else out there that feels trapped sometimes. I feel guilty for feeling that way. Who knew I just needed to take a spin in the kitchen. Thanks for sharing.
Mmmm. Delicious stolen moments of decadent nonchalance. I relish those. I covet those. I... the dryer just buzzed. damn.
Oddly this post brought tears to my eyes. We all need to stop and take a spin every now and then. Thanks for the reminder. I could really use a spin right now.. I think I'll go out in the hall....
Twirling.
Does it every time.
(Next try outdoor twirling. With a fall down at the end.)
I'm going to do that very thing in the my backyard crop circle tonight.
I think it's brilliant. Embrace the chaos of life, right?
Thanks J for the idea!
I heart you. This is exactly how I feel so often, exactly. And the spinning? I still do that, too. :)
I had a very similar experience recently in my own kitchen while I fed my baby sitting who was sitting in his high chair. 5 other kids swarmed in the background, anxious for their dinner, and I just wanted a sliver of freedom...and then...a song! I just started to dance for the baby's enjoyment. He giggled and started kicking his chubby feet, and I danced more and more, for me. It was momentary, but felt so good!
Excellent. Thank you. I think this will stay with me awhile.
It's amazing how much music will take you away when you feel the need to run away.
Ah, so beautifully written, Jess.
Post a Comment