Monday, August 06, 2007

Come Fly With Me

We are THAT family.

Our children had to be forcibly ripped from the arms of their grandmas, aunt, uncle and cousins and the greatness of the Pacific Northwest to return to the unholy awfulness of the ninety six degree southern heat.

[Why do I live in a place where the air quality is routinely described as unsafe for anyone?]

The Rooster decided that the plane ride home was the precise time she should bring on the explosive diarrhea and zip through our limited on-board supply of her diapers and wipes.

She soiled her pants (and her father’s forearm) with her first effort.

Ask yourself, does the family of Joy carry extra kiddie pants onto an airplane?

That would be... No.

[Uh... woops?]

And as to the soiled forearm, K returned from the airplane bathroom, gave me a beaten down look and said,

“You try washing your forearm in that little dollhouse sink in there.”

Just after The Rooster fell asleep in K’s arms, The Mayor had an “incident” with a cup of orange juice resulting in the complete and total soaking of one pair of toddler shorts, one pair of toddler underpants and one airplane seat.

The Mayor began to shriek (and the shrieking woke his sister) that he needed his wet clothes removed.

[See afore mentioned note about our family policy of NOT packing extra toddler pants.]

Relieved of his wet clothes, The Mayor, wearing only a shirt, socks and tennis shoes waved his package in the air (waved it like he just didn’t care) and demanded that he sit in one of our laps since his airplane seat was wet.

He scrambled into K’s lap and displaced his sister who commenced to wailing, “I want Daddy!” at the top of her lungs.

I offered her my lap, but I might as well have suggested she sit atop a barbeque skewer.

I spread out an in-flight magazine on the wet seat and spent the remainder of the 100,000 hour flight with the Sky Mall spine in my butt crack.

The Mayor took a half-nude nap on K’s stink encrusted arm despite the fact that his sister continued to shriek.

Because a shocking shade of electric orange substance was clogging my sinuses it was all I could do to simply stare at The Rooster and hope the folks seated around us were using their in-flight ear phones for the satellite radio.

The Rooster yelled and yelled until I remembered that I had one hidden treasure to reveal.

Before our trip, I went to the dollar store and loaded up on kidtastic, plastic landfill items.

I broke out the Make Your Own Candy Necklace kit, strung a horse load of sugar on two plastic strings, slung them around my kids necks and let them eat as much as they wanted.

After that it was smooth sailing.

All they did for the remaining 6 bzillion hours of the flight was repeatedly kick the seat in front of them while simultaneously opening and closing the tray table.

Yeah, we’re that family. The one on your plane that you HATE.

Oh. The. Joys.




(You can see my Blogher photos here if you want.)

84 comments:

Mama en Fuego said...

Oh my.... when is your next vacation and what airline are you taking?

Scout's Honor said...

Ahhh...I have had that unprepared, gastrointestinal explosion, it sucks to fly experience.

By our first lay over, my son was out of diapers, wipes, and clothes entirely. He was naked with only a slightly damp blanket. So, there I was with 3 hours of flight to go frantic to find diapers in the Denver airport. No such luck! Although paper towels from their restrooms absorb more than one would think.

The worst though was I was traveling with my in-laws to live with them while awaiting military housing. I got the window seat with squalling nekid baby and my very large mother-in-law had the nerve to lift the arm rest and take up half my seat as well as her own. I hyperventilated from the smoothering all the way to the west coast. I made sure never to bring less than 20 diapers on a flight (no joke!) and never, ever to fly with my mil again!

flutter said...

Oh poor things.

BOSSY said...

That was you behind Bossy on the airplane?

Mimi aka pz5wjj said...

Oh, Mrs. Chicken is your friend these days! The comments on her last few posts are interesting (to say the least) on this same subject...

And... I've been THAT family only my DH had the audacity to stay home so it was me solo. And instead of liquid poop on my arm, it was throwup all down my shirt and shorts.... Thankfully, it was only a 2 hour flight!

I feel for you, I do...

slouching mom said...

Oh, no, Oh, the Joys. Oh, no.

Sue at nobaddays said...

Squelchy, stinky forearm is one of the worst parts of parenting methinks.

Mrs. Schmitty said...

Oh my God, I think I just wet myself.

Assertagirl said...

I bet it felt great to walk in your front door.

Heather said...

Oh dear.

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

"Dollhouse sink."

So RIGHT.

The one time I flew with my oldest daughter (who was 23 months at the time) I filled a tote bag with as much Dollar Store/made in China/cheap ass/sugar loaded shizzle that I could. And it worked!

At least you can use this story as arsenal when they are teenagers. ;)

jen said...

ah yes. have you read Chicken and Cheese's last few posts on the issue?

Thought of you this week - am glad you are all back safe and sound (albeit stinky)

Blog Antagonist said...

I can't even tell you how many times I said a prayer of thanks that I wasn't travelling with children on my trip to Chicago last weekend. I've been there, and it ain't pretty.

That said...most of us can empathize with "that" family, having been it at one point...so probably only one or two people were genuinely annoyed with you. The rest were just feeling sorry for you, and/or thanking God it wasn't them.

Glad you're home safe and sound. :?)

Mandy said...

"wave it like you just don't care" LOL even in the midst of the chaos you are ever the comedienne! What a great mom for handling it all so well!

Lawyer Mama said...

I wouldn't have noticed your family. Mine is just as bad. Except my 19 month old was also covered in chocolate from head to toe because that's what he can do with 30 seconds and a chocolate chip cookie. Damn flight attendant.

carmachu said...

Where do you live again? Since I know you fly out to the west coast, I want to know what other city to avoid going to flying into or out of, in case we get on the same plane as you.

:D

Seriously, despite all that, you sound like a great job of keeping them in line....

Julie Pippert said...

Welcome back...even if the getting back was a rough journey.

And much sympathy to the "oh the joy" moments on the airplane.

Julie
Ravin' Picture Maven

Cece said...

And this is exactly why i make sure my iPod is charged before I get on a plane. Oy!

mothergoosemouse said...

Make your own candy necklace kit? Please send that link to me, posthaste.

Dollhouse sink...I'm nodding vigorously.

Worker Mommy said...

HaHa...some of the best advice I'd gotten before flying with toddlers was to get them a toy they'd never seen before. Worked like a charm when we first flew with the twins when they were 15 mos.
We actually were not the family you'd hate...as I'd feared.

Were you actually in Seattle...sorry about the weather. We Seattlites have been rather disappointed by it too! It feels like fall today so you left just in time.

JaniceNW said...

I hope you had a valium cocktail on this bedeviled flight! You deserved one. Having been there I had to laugh but it not at your family, it was with your family.

This makes me happy my kids are 16 and 18. Thank you for helping me appreciate my snotty brats.

Charlotte-Ann said...

This post makes me realize that I am not ready for children. Kudos to you!

Arwen said...

You know how they have started to have the 'kid movies' where it is an adult movie? Not an XXX movie or anything but just a grown up movie where adults can bring their offspring and the kids can screech but its ok but because everyone's kids are screeching (and its in french or spanish so who cares, we are all reading the sub-titles anyway)? We need that for planes too. Then the random annoying business traveler has to STFU instead of acting the way they act. And maybe the flight attendents can get hazard pay or something.

radical mama said...

Oh, you poor family of joy! You handled it much much better than I could have. I am glad you made it home okay, despite the stinky nekidness. :) (Although you may want to revise that family policy. Just a thought...)

kristen said...

Oh yes. Been there. Know it well. We almost missed our flight once in LA as we searched the airport for diapers. I was not above asking complete strangers with babies for a spare.

Now that he's five and we've had some experience, shall we say, flying coast to coast a few dozen times in his life, I do pack a full extra set of clothes. But since I got wise to that trick, I haven't needed it.

Maybe that's the secret?

Paige said...

Drinks? When?

crazymumma said...

living the dream again are you?

Those blogher fotos? Damn you are all so fine lookin'.

Little Monkies said...

Naked toddler business and a dollhouse sink. Omydarlin.

Janine said...

Aackkk! I bet you'll find yourself on YouTube in a few days.

Whymommy said...

Love the flicker pics -- looks like you had a MARVELOUS time!

And don't sweat the plane issues. We all have them, from time to time. :-)

But could someone PLEASE explain to those airport authorities how MUCH money they would make from stocking a stinkin' pampers now and then? Unexpected accidents suck.

Momish said...

How funny, this was the topic of converstation on the morning show in my area. It was all about how hard parents try to control their kids on planes to no avail. Then there is always that unyielding and unsympathetic moron that makes a stink. As if that plane ride isn't the most stressful for you than anyone else.

Such is life when flying with kids!

SUEB0B said...

Oh, I am so sorry for you.

This is why I drink heavily on airplanes and almost nowhere else.

Carla said...

And nobody offered to lend a hand? Did they just try to politely "ignore the little family"?! Crazy. Been there. Glad you're back.

Patience said...

First class. So worth the money! Had you packed two or three suitcases of extra clothes & d's you'd never have needed them!

So the pictures looked like everyone had a great time, but no one seems to be talking about The Great Blogher Conference. What's with that?!?

Kyla said...

Awesome photos. The Dooce sequence is my fave. Isn't Mimi the best?

Liam's Mom - Gina said...

I am so sorry. And I thought it was bad that I had to change a large pooper while he stood on a "doll house" toilet. You win, you survivor, you!

Above Average Joe said...

I could've been worse. Rooster could've been telling everyone

"I'm four years old, I was three, now I'm 4 years old"

(Bill Cosby's Jeffrey character from the video Bill Cosby Himself)

urban-urchin said...

oh honey- you poor things. We've been there too.

Lisa said...

Everyone is THAT family at some point. We used to (before children and when traveling sans child) sneer at THAT family. And then we had a few flights were WE got those beatdown looks. Knocked us off our high horses pretty quick.

Here's to a smoother flight next time.

Aliki2006 said...

I'm sorry, I couldn't help laughing! I can especially relate--we are not the family to bring back-up clothes, either and, boy, have we paid dearly for that over the years (you'd think we would have learned but, no, only recently we found ourselves with NO back-up clothes and a potty accident).

I'm glad you're back, friend.

mamatulip said...

Oh my god.

I feel so guilty for laughing so hard. I'm sorry.

Jennifer said...

Actually, you are the family I LOVE on flights. Because, with any luck, your family will be distracting others from my family and our own drama. Airline travel ain't what it used to be (pre-kids, that is), eh?

aimee / greeblemonkey said...

That's it, I am never going to BlogHer. You all are too damn fine.

And I wouldn't hate you on the plane. Laugh at you, yes. Hate you, no. ;)

momomax said...

wow. I'm impressed. I am so on the other side of being mad at passengers with kids these days. I have kept up so many red-eye flyers it's criminal.

Trenting said...

Wow.. that was you then on that flight..:)

Queen Karana said...

Been there, almost. Though DD exploded BEFORE we got on the plane, so at least I had the luxury of cleaning her up at the airport (at the gate however, no time to make it to a bathroom!). But we did have an extra set of clothes or two -- our kids always seemed to 'shoot up the back' when we were at home, so we didn't expect anything less on the plane. Though, my kids were younger than yours at the time.

Anyway, sorry you had such a bad experience!

Welcome home...

And, SLC has some pretty nasty crap to breath too. I can SO relate.

liv said...

Ack. I can't imagine anything worse than that. But, then again, I generally hate flying and poo. Together? ack!

Jonathon Morgan said...

we're about to be that family. ever since edan was born, i knew one day she'd disrupt an entire airplane with her screams, and i immediately stopped judging all those other crying children (because i totally used to)

Ruth Dynamite said...

Just give me some Starbucks coffee and I'D be that person on the plane. And no, I don't bring extra adult pants.

Glad to hear you're back safely from your travel adventure. Ah, memories.

(very funny photos)

~JJ! said...

Oh! It couldn't be THAT bad...tee hee..I know it could.

If anyone gave you hard time, I hope you planted your cute little girls dirty hiney pants on their head so they could get a taste of reality.

kara said...

oh my god. I just saw my future flash in front of me. egads. Just remember not one person on that plane knows you or will ever see you again.

Julie said...

Ahhhh....lovely. We only attempted a 2-hour flight with my 2-year old...and it went okay. I'm still scared to fly with him though. Thanks for your post...I now know to pack 20 diapers and 4 pairs of pants. ;)

Ms. Crafty Wanna-Be

moosh in indy. said...

Anyone with kids is THAT family to anyone who doesn't have kids. It's in the contract. Really fine print, I'm assuming you missed it.

Mrs. Chicky said...

Note to self: Don't fly on the same airplane as the Joys.

Got it, thanks. ;)

mcewen said...

I have yet to recover from our annual trip 'home.' The ten hour flight is indeed a killer.

When I was a youthful person I loathed those noisy kiddy winkies, with their kicky feet and their sticky fingers. Now I am an old person with temporary custody of those same kiddy winkies.

Glad you back safe and sound, if a bit mucky.
Cheers

Mimi said...

oh geez. i think the mayor is just looking for excuses to be naked. i see kind of a trend here ...

Kim said...

thanks...you've reinforced my fears of flying with toddlers ;)


...of course, if I ever forget this moment and foolishly board a plane with toddlers, I will bring some of those 'make your own candy necklace' kits...that and extra pants!

JoeinVegas said...

Uh, yes, I think you were the group sitting behind me. Thanks ever so much.
Maybe next time you could pack them in the suitcases and send them as checked bagage.

wordgirl said...

Another reason to drug myself when I fly. Love the Flickr pics, though that is SO not Dooce.

Bon said...

god love ya, dearie. that sounds like hell.

(and i mean for you guys, not the people near you...i have lived to learn that there is no one so tortured by that kind of flight as the parents of the leaking howling creatures.)

but i shall note for future reference - extra toddler pants. check. candy necklaces. check.

thanks!

Christina_the_wench said...

You're the reason they should make parents with toddlers drive a car or ride the bus. *snorts*

KIDDING! ;)

furiousBall said...

I hear you....I've found that storing your kids in the overhead compartment is frowned upon by the flight attendants for some reason.

Jenn said...

Oh dear Oh Joy.

Benadryl?

Pre-flight?

Did I say that out loud?

KC said...

There's nothing like poop on your arm to start your flight off right. But the naked butts and wet pants to follow come pretty close.

Deb said...

Note to self for first plane ride : extra pants, pull ups, underwear, diarrhea medicine, and hit dollar store for lollipops.. oh and BJS for bulk container of aleve!

carrie said...

It's like they have an internal alarm that alerts them to the most inappropriate and diffucult times to have melt downs and potty accidents.

For me, it usually happens in the car, next to a very nice and kind Danish relative who will be scarred for life!

Carrie

Grim Reality Girl said...

I am so glad I was not you for this flight.... I am so glad that I was also not near you on said flight.... I am so glad.... so glad. Been there and it isn't fun.

/btw -- I'm tagging you if you chose to participate -- it would be interesting to know what we don't already know about YOU!! :-)

mel from freak parade said...

Oh....my.... I don't even know what to say. Um...welcome back?

Wendi Aarons said...

After our "diarrhea out of the pantleg while in seat 11B", I came up with the flying-with-kids mantra of "You're never going to see these people again". And I think other passengers chant that when they see us, too.

Haley-O said...

Omigosh...! That's just insane. I'm traumatized just READING that! ;)

Rusti said...

Oh my gosh - I tried so hard to have some empathy - but all I could do was stifle my laughter while sitting at my desk pretending to work... I could not help but laugh my bum off - especially at the "waving his package" part - I'm so sorry!! But thank you sooo much for the laugh!! I hope your next trip goes more smoothly, and I wonder if you will reconsider packing extra toddler pants...

kellypea said...

Sounds just like a Southwest flight on Friday night from San Diego to Las Vegas -- except that one has no kids. Bwhaaaaa...the spine in the butt crack had me rollin'

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I remember well traveling with two......it is even more fun when you are trapped on the tarmack (SP?) for a few extra hours!

God bless the people who shared their portable DVD player and Baby Einstein videos!

EE said...

I remember those days;)

Mrs. Chicken said...

Good thing you weren't on my flight - you'd DEFINITELY have gotten yelled at by a mean old man.

Melina said...

That is too funny, hey its better then the guy who sits behind you saying the word "like" every other word.

"Like boston is like a really cool city if you like know where to ah like go". Thank god our flight was only 2 1/2 hours and I slept for most of it.

Thanks for making me laugh I needed it after the day I had.

ewe are here said...

Oh.my.gawd.

You are that family.

I so hope we're not that family ... note to self: pack extra pants for children. Lots of pants.

One Tough Momma said...

That was you?!

Lotta said...

Oh good lord. My son would have such explosive poops all the time. I had to carry not only 3 or 4 outfits for him but extra clothing for me at all times. No diaper could contain it. But in a plane? You totally win.

PS - Was there no other mom that offered you some pants or a diaper.

kittenpie said...

Candy necklaces. Brill. I'll remember that little gambit.

Lene said...

oh my

What a mess!

AmandaD said...

Perhaps if we traveled together we'd cancel each other out?

Stepping Over the Junk said...

that's why I never take my kids on trips longer than an hour, in the car, and we must have John Denver playing (2 cds full) and those candy necklaces.

jakelliesmom said...

We're just now back from a trip ourselves (6 1/2 hours in the car today), and this reminds me of exactly why I refuse to fly until my darling girl becomes a reasonable human.

On our first night of "vacation" (that is, traveling with my children and in-laws in one not quite big enough suite), we returned from our adult night out to our hotel room to not one but TWO screaming children who had both wet through their pajamas, one of whom hasn't had a wet night in months, the other of whom mistakenly put on his pull-up backwards. Hours of hilarity with wet bedding and temporary solutions ensued. The joys indeed.