Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Mischief

I had a work-related meeting with three other women yesterday.

Of the four, three of us are already mothers and the fourth is eight months pregnant with her first child.

As our meeting got underway, we made sure the pregnant woman had a comfortable chair and asked how she was feeling.

And then? We did her WRONG.

We told horror stories of sleepless nights and incessant post-partum weeping.

We roared our terrible mothering roars and gnashed our terrible mothering teeth.

ROAR, THE SLEEP DEPRIVATION!! ROAR!! ROAR!! ROAR!!

We showed our terrible mothering claws and we laughed like mama hyenas.

Three of us laughed, anyway.

The pregnant woman was shifting uneasily in her seat, her swollen belly teetering from side to side.

One of my colleagues lowered her voice and, trying to reassure her, said,

"You know, they say that the wakeful babies will be the brightest, smartest ones. Yes! Because they are taking in more stimuli earlier than their sleepy peers!"


My other colleague rolled her terrible mothering eyes and, in the incredibly sarcastic tone of a wild thing, said,


"And rain on your wedding day is good luck!!"


Had I been in the company of my family instead of my colleagues I would have added,


"And my farts smell like sweet, musky roses."


[Because that IS the truth.]


Wild Mamas

75 comments:

Blog Antagonist said...

SIGH. Why do we do that? Even though we know we shouldn't do that...we do that. Even though we don't want to scare the poor clueless woman...we do that. Women are so weird.

Tabba said...

You are brilliant.

Brillian I tell you.

Poor woman. She'll figure it out soon enough ;)

Tabba said...

*brilliant*

notfearingchange said...

LOL. Nice. My gf is pregnant right now. She was trying to convince me to conceive so we could "do it together". I do want to do it, however, on my own time. Now almost due she's changing her tune to: "are you sure you want to do this - I can't stand I can't walk I can't sit..."

Now you...man - it is like birth control - :-D

Paige said...

You know she'll be a smug mummy to some poor unsuspecting first-timer someday too.

Everyone does it, the teeth-gnashing, terrible-roaring stuff. And everyone has it done to them at some time or another too.

canape said...

Dude. That's not funny.

NotSoSage said...

Nicely done, OTJ.

Max, a mother? Now THAT'S terrifying.

jweiher said...

How DID you remember that picture would capture the moment??

Honestly, I wish more women had shared their horror stories. I only heard about how wonderful everything is and then thought I was crazy when things were very, very hard. Truth-telling is the right way....just tell them the truth of how wonderful that crying, screaming, fighting-at-the-breast bundle of non-sleeping-energy the baby is when he is sleeping in is crib on his side with his hands up at his mouth.

liv said...

Eee--vil. Like the froo-its of the de-vil! But, I'm happy that you didn't add the part about the potential for poo on the delivery table.

hey, bring on your sweet ass farts to my yoga class. the prenatal one. just for fun!

Jennifer said...

Hee. The thing is, you didn't do too much harm. She (the pregnant woman) still won't really understand what you mean until she has her baby. No one knows what it REALLY means until they have their first. And then? It's too late.

BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA...

Biddy said...

hehe poor girl...

i love how you're unafraid to let everyone know you have such beautifully fragrant wind...hehe

Alpha DogMa said...

You Devil Woman.


It is fine to spread the gospel to the pregnant ones, but not the trying-to-conceive women. THAT is mean.

metalia said...

Ha! WHY do we do this to first-time moms? It's like an unstoppable instinct.

Burg said...

I always tell them how I was stuck in the elevator for twelve hours and the doctor never made it to me so my baby was delivered by the repairman and the only way to cut the cord was to chew through it just before I tell them it's not so bad.

And my farts smell like roses too.

Lotta said...

Hell, I'll tell my birth story to anyone that pulls up a seat.

Plus it's fun to make the new moms squirm. I know as a new mom I looked at all the veteran mommies with a head full of "Well I'll never let my kid pick his boogers" type thoughts. So this is our veteran mommy of the booger pickers revenge.

wordgirl said...

Why indeed, blog antagonist? I find myself doing the very same and then regretting it.

Doug said...

My girlfriend assures me that her farts do not smell if they make a sound. And I shan't argue.

Absolutely Bananas said...

sweet, musky roses. oh, you crack me up.

canarygirl said...

*insert evil cackle here* We've all done that, haven't we? But...as Lotta said...while we may be taunting them with our birth stories, they are secretly saying, "Iiiiii'd never do that to myyyyy kid." Until they have the kid. Then they'll be slinging birth stories at first timers right along with us. lmao

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

I wish someone would have told me THE TRUTH about motherhood...I am still pissed off about that.

She is lucky to have you and you sweet smelling farts of joy!

WILLIAM said...

" on the night Max wore his wolf suit he made mischief of one kind or another."

They are making a live action movie of Where the wild things are.

Carla said...

My 10 year son has a nickname for my wind. SBD-Silent But Deadly. I can clear the living room and watch tv in peace.
Poor first timer. She will learn the way of The Wild Things.

Kim said...

when it's my turn, my best friend will do the same to me...I think it must be hard-wired into mothers to freak out the newbies!

MamaLee said...

And my farts smell like potato chips.

we ar SO bad. Boohahhahaahahahaha!

Patience said...

Well she had to know! Sooner or later!!

MamaM said...

Oh, that is just WRONG!

But on the other hand, all the people that told me that parenting gets easier as the kids get older? Total lies. I much prefer the truth, so I don't get my hopes up.

Did you tell her how the child will eat her up, it loves her so?

Omaha Mama said...

Oh, I love that comparison! Where the Wild Things Are. We can't just let the newbies find out for themselves, can we? We just have to gnaw away. Grrrr...

mommiebear2 said...

Heh, boy do I remember the horror stories mothers would tell me when I was pregnant with my first, I remember thinking "And these bit**hes think they are HELPING ME?"

Aliki2006 said...

I know--I catch myself doing the same thing. And she no doubt will too, down the road. Why do we do this?

venessa said...

Well, she may be terrified BUT I can't tell you how many friends begged me to tell them the TRUTH about motherhood. About labor pain (yes, it hurts), breastfeeding (you will want to give up for at least the first 2 weeks), the way that it changes your marriage (both good and bad)...

She would have figured it out on her own, of course, but at least she will know that she isn't the only one who felt/feels that way.

aimee / greeblemonkey said...

What about snow on your wedding day??? A day you planned an out door wedding on May 26????

Bon said...

where the wild things are, indeed. we are fierce, we mama-species.

it is how we know we belong, i think. i suppose it's not nice...but neither is it exactly mean. it is just the impossibility of talking across the divide.

slouching mom said...

It's so true.

We're just jealous of her innocence and hopefulness.

And the fact that she might get one of those rare creatures who sleeps a lot.

Lawyer Mama said...

You're so evil!

But you know, I don't think you did her a disservice.

My cousin just had a baby (her first) and she told me she's just been overwhelmed with how hard it is. Natural childbirth, breastfeeding, attachment parenting. She planned to do all of these things and was BITTERLY disappointed in herself when things didn't work out as she'd planned.

Maybe #4 won't be quite so hard on herself if she hears some of the bad stuff now.

Jenn said...

I never, never, never talk to a first time pregnant woman about anything other than how amazing it feels when you hold your child the first time.

You'd think those Karma points would have been redeemable by now.

Em said...

It always seems like women get great satisfaction of sharing their worst pregnancy and post-pregnancy stories with a first time moms-to-be. Just cruel! LOL

Jenifer said...

You know I never really believed all that until later...then it sank in and I hated those words even more.

Twisted Cinderella said...

Why do we scare new mothers? That poor girl.

QT said...

Well, it's not like you were the first people to tell her that, I am sure!

Queen Heather said...

bwahhahahaha!

Christina_the_wench said...

She went into the bathroom and cried. You should repent now. 'Course you DID tell the truth. *giggles*

CamiKaos said...

i don't even think we do it on purpose... it's in our nature...

nikki said...

That is the best book EV-AH! And why is it that when a woman is pregnant for the first time, the "been around the block" mothers feel compelled to puke all sorts of information out when it wasn't even asked for? I can't control myself, even when I've noticed the poor pregnant woman's eyes have glazed over and she's day dreaming about chocolate chip cookies?

Mamma said...

You evil, evil woman!

ali said...

i try so hard not to talk about all the shitty things about being a mom...but those are usually the pearls that come out of my mouth.

Above Average Joe said...

Those conversations are supposed to happen BEFORE the conception, arent they?

Great use of the Wild Things!

Nancy said...

Part of the ritual of crossing over to motherhood ... hearing the ROAR

Bubblewench said...

One of the main reasons I hesitate to even consider having children is all the horror stories I hear from you mothers!!

Fidget said...

poor fresh meat, though excellent use of one of our fave books!

Jen M. said...

When I was pregnant with my first, my co-workers did the same thing. I remember being told that if I had an episiotomy, that I would be able to hear my skin being cut. I spent a large part of my labor worrying about that, and when I had to get one, I told my husband to sing to me, so I wouldn't hear it. Only he blanked out, and could only say, "What do you want me to sing?"

KC said...

I like that smart kid theory...Jolie was NOT a sleeper.

You guys didn't talk about saggy boobs and the sharpei, did you?

Ortizzle said...

Well, now that the damage is done, you just need to be sure you are all around when that poor woman is going through the post-partum blues. Because that is the other side to the coin, right? We spare no details, but we also lavish the TLC after we roar.

Lisa Milton said...

What's better? When pregnant women tell me 'it will different' when they have the babies. Their lives won't change; their babies will sleep just like the books say. It will be glory, glory, hallelujah.

I try to button my lips when they are wiped out 6 weeks postpartum.

TastesLikeCrazy said...

When I was in the sorority, we called it hazing.

You know it's wrong and mean, but, in order to be part of the "club" you have to go through it.
And then, you pass on the meanness.

I mean, come on! Why else have kids?
;)
http://TastesLikeCrazy.blogspot.com

ewe are here said...

That poor, poor woman.

snort

Erin said...

I figure that's our right after having lived through it-scaring the crap out of someone who has to go through it really soon. How else are we supposed to get our kicks?

Beckie said...

Not funny...Hilarious!!!

Superstar said...

As a single lady..I have worked VERY hard to learn from others...Not to have kids until married...While i know I can...I simply choose from the wise ROAR NOT to...LOL ;o)

So is said Prego lady ok?!??! was a Dr Phil on call for here?!?!?! LOL ;o)

flutter said...

Dude, mine smell like the sweetest summer strawberries, so there.

charlottalove said...

I LOVED the Wild Things reference. truth be told, that IS my favorite book. ever.

carmachu said...

You know, even though it might be funny, that was incredibly mean ofyou three to do to a first time mother.

I have to say this one time, it wasnt funny, in fact it probably was actually cruel of you.

I'm ashamed of you....

Shauna said...

You gotta do it. It's like a hazing...

andi said...

Ah, well. Better that she hear it before and be somewhat prepared. Oh, wait, is that even possible?

moosh in indy. said...

Did you tell her about the pants peeing and night sweats?
Cause I will.

Jennifer Playgroupie said...

Did anyone mention bleeding nipples, colic, acid reflux, elimination diets...?

Seriously, though, people tried to scare me before my first. I didn't listen. Surely they were exaggerating. Surely!

imhelendt said...

I've stopped feeling bad about this. Pregnant with their first (or second child- those guys THINK they know what's coming too), they sit there and think the world is full of cute little outfits and smiling babies. And *you're* probably sitting there with food stuck in your hair, what you're pretty sure is a booger stuck to your left calf and food stains that YOU KNOW weren't from anything YOU ate. It's only fair. That's all I'm saying.

The godmother of my children tried the "No one ever told me it was going to be this hard!" on me and I let the silence stretch out before saying "What did *I* tell you? No don't answer, just think about the things I told you..." Then she says in a meek voice "Ok, YOU told me, but everyone else said having two was the same as having one!" You gotta keep it real. Then they can't come back and say "no one ever told them" to YOU. My conscience is clear. I'm that kind of person. ;D

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

Tee hee hee. I swore I would NEVER be one of those women but I work with one prego mom due with her first in January and it's all I can do NOT to recount the horror. And thank God I am done birthin' them babies. ;)

I am a mama hyena...HEAR ME ROAR.

karrie said...

I'm all for honesty when it comes to chatting with pregnant womenm. Seriously. I wish more people had been straight up honest with me, instead of telling me how it "wasn't that bad", because when it was "that bad", I felt so isolated.

Kymberlyn said...

I agree with Karrie. I was as exctied as anyone to have a baby. Every waking minute I dreamed of what my son would look like, what kind of personality he would have, what it would be like to finally be able to hold him. I remember hearing what a beautiful moment it is when they hand the baby to you and how you immediately bond.

When my son came out, he came out screaming. He screamed and he screamed, and I thought to myself- My God, what have a done? I can't do this. And fear settled in and the realization that life was over as I knew washed over me like a tidal wave.

An hour later they brought him back to the room. I knew he was coming because I could hear him screaming as they rolled him down the hall.

3 days later now at home, I was tired, depressed, my body ached and I felt like a failure. I cried for weeks. As weeks passed things got better, but for some time I was certain none of it would pass. I felt alone. I felt like a horrible mother.

I wish someone had bothered to scare the bejesus out of me.

Kevin Charnas said...

And here I thought the "Heat Miser" sealed our truth of being your brother from another mother and you being my sister from another mister.

I'll say, "Will, my farts don't stink, they smell of..."

And he chimes up and says, "I KNOW! I KNOW! LOTUS BLOSSOMS!"

Magpie said...

Oh that poor woman. But she'll understand, all too soon. And I do love your edited Max.

Chaos Control said...

One day, she'll thank you for your honesty. If you ask me, you did her a favor!!

Lene said...

I remember being on the receiving end of those kind of conversations. They just don't tell you that stuff before you get pregnant!

shauna said...

Isn't that so true! Get a bunch of women into a room and remind them of the birthing experience and everyone has a nightmare to share. You achieved perfection in your post, however, when you combined your meeting of the wombs with Where the Wild Things Are! Loved it!

Damselfly said...

Oh, that poor, poor mama....