Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Practical in Nature

Recently I made a grave error while naked, on all fours, with the lights on.

Because my proper southern Granny reads this blog, I feel it is important to INSIST that I was NOT performing "Coitus Ontopus" at the time.
Definitely not. Noooooo, ma'am.

Granny - I assure you that I have only DONE THE DEED twice in my life, both times for pro-creative purposes and both times I was on my back, holding very still and clutching my turtle neck night gown to my throat waiting for IT to be over.

Anyway, I was naked, on the bed, in a
semi-on-all-fours position, with the lights on and...

I looked down.

...or underneath as it were.

I should not have done that.

(((Oh. Mah. Got.)))


Here is what I saw:

sharpei2


You know how a mama cat's belly hangs low to the ground and swings from side to side after she has given birth and nursed kittens?


I'm just saying it is a good thing I don't walk on all fours or I would be mistaken for a mother cat.


fatcat


My great and powerful body stretched itself to the limit and beyond to grow and deliver The Mayor and The Rooster - and for that I am grateful.

However, the belly has suffered a great blow from which it seems it will never recover.

I'm far too cheap to have a tummy tuck though.

I mean, I don't have a spare 50 bazillion dollars, and even if I did, old age is going to drag everything south anyway.

I wouldn't spend money on a TEMPORARY solution to a problem.

[That would be illogical, Captain.]

I think it would be a better idea for me to invest in some extra sets of nipples and become a wet nurse for kittens.

Let them suck



87 comments:

Aaron & Alaine said...

I am so enjoying your blog, that I looked at your profile - something I NEVER do. Then, as a twist of fate, I see you are a non-profit consultant. I am so laughing....that we share that in common. I am now thoroughly convinced that there is a specific joy of teaching, training, and solving issues - that drives us to streak of humor. Congrats on your week of honor - Crazy, Hip and Inspiring!

Cat, Galloping said...

i hear ya, sister! sometimes it's best to keep your eyes closed and picture yourself as a supermodel...

Mrs. Chicken said...

oh the pictures ... cleaning up the coffee I just spit out!

Penny. said...

ROFLMAO X 100

OTJ - you are so direct and damn hilarious!

Coincidentally.. I just had the same exact experience as I was reaching over my bed, making the covers up, post-shower. You ever blush when you're alone?

sheesh....

Sayre said...

When I was at the plastic surgeon's office last week for my biopsy, I thought about asking if he'd toss in a liposuction, tummy tuck, and a neck lift as well. Turns out my insurance wouldn't cover that, so he just took his little piece of me and ushered me out the door. And probably laughed like hell when it finally shut.

mamatulip said...

Good god, woman. I love you and your teets.

Becky said...

All I can say is... ROTFLMAO! You know we're all right there with you!

Augs Casa said...

what a picture you paint with your words.....and photos...ha ha ha

urban-urchin said...

In that position, my belly looks like the mask from the movie "Scream". I talked to a Plastic Surgeon about having it "repositioned" but the cost and the recovery time AND the pain involved basically put an end to the idea of a taut SI worthy belly.

Kim said...

you're killing me here!

...oh, the laughter...how it hurts...

pgoodness said...

You are so cool, I can't even stand it! ROFLMAO! My boys came wandering in wondering what I was laughing about and I laughed harder. Great photos, too.

BTW, congrats on it being your week, blogger was fighting with me last night and I couldn't post!

jen said...

sister...it's becoming freakish, how funny you can make things.

wordgirl said...

Oh. Mah. Got. That was hilarious! I nearly ripped my turtleneck sweater I was laughing so hard.

Jennifer said...

I love your idea for putting your boobs to work!

And seriously, the pictures! Hilarious! My stomach muscles are aching!

The Queen Mama said...

I made that mistake, too. Never again. I particularly liked how my once-perky boobs looked all long and pointy in that particular position. Not.

Jodi the Librarian said...

Oh lordy, girl, DON'T LOOK. OK, so you looked. Damage done. Want to really freak? Bend over at the waist and look into a hand mirror at your face. We seem to be about the same age, so you should get the same shock that I did when a friend dared me to do that. WTF? What kind of friend is *that*? If it is any consolation, my girlfriend's husband insists that men don't give a rat's ass what their wive's bodies look like as long as they're willing to flash the boobies once in a while and do vile things usually only seen on poor quality video.

Allison said...

Coffee spewing through your nose is such a lovely feeling. hehehehe

Still laughing....

The Sour Kraut said...

I think it's best never to look at one's self naked. It's rarely good.

Kelly said...

I never look down when I'm doing...ummmm...pushups! Never look down. In fact, eyes closed is best.

slouching mom said...

You've done it again, OTJ.

I shouldn't have been laughing today. I have had a sick child at home for at least 50% of the schooldays since January -- including this one.

But you made me laugh anyway! No small feat!

Theresa said...

My gyno once told me that my stomach was in the worst condition he ever saw after I had my twins. It figures because I was 85 lbs and my twins weighed 7lbs and 5lbs 15oz. I recently went to see about a tummy tuck, but after having an MRI they saw that there are too many complications involved.
My cousin is a famous photographer for Playboy, he told me that he will do me a favor -cause I asked - and take a really sexy photo of my head and photoshop it onto a model's body for me. When he does it I'm going to frame it and hang it over the fireplace!

Liam's Mom - Gina said...

My oh my! What a story!

Have you tried the book, "how to lose your mummy tummy"?

Marmite Breath or Nat (Don't call me Natalie). said...

Oh Mah Lawd. The laying-down cat picture is my absolute favourite! You are one sick, sick woman and I LOOOOVE it!

mcewen said...

Great post and great links - that should kick start the brain cells.
Cheers

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

THE reason I refuse to go on all fours at any time of the day...clothed or otherwise.

karrie said...

The shar-pei and I have a lot in common.

Karly said...

You do it with the lights on? Man, you are brave! ;) I hate looking down or under or whatever, because my boobies look like cow udders swinging back and forth. Very sexy, I assure you.

mommiebear2 said...

The doggie pic is just too much! We saw one of these dogs on a video on AFV on Sunday and hubbie was all, "where's its face?"

TSM-terrifically superiorily mediocre said...

I am particularly loving the note to Granny in there. Surely you were smoothing your sheets after a shower, no?

Because nobody does IT for anything other than procreative purposes. Or is that everybody? I forget. I'm old.

Above Average Joe said...

But the alternative is lying on your back, watching Melanie & Bobo drift into your armpits, right?

Lane said...

Oh Dear! You make me laugh, every, single time!

Ok, I too had the cat belly and recently had it fixed. It was GROSS and I couldn't live with people asking me when I was due anymore. Oh the vanity!

You can see my before and afters on my blog.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

That certainly made me smile!

croutonboy said...

That wrinkled-dog image is going to haunt me for weeks.

Blog Antagonist said...

ROFL...I've had the same epiphany, though mine was quite a few years ago. Girlfriend, Gunnar Peterson's Core Secrets and Pilates for Abs will whip that baggage into shape. I swear by it. I took like 8 inches off using it. Course, you have nowhere near 8 inches to spare, but it will help tighten stuff up.

Mrs. Chicky said...

I will never get those images out of my head. Ever.

Chrissy said...

Seriously, I can not think of a time that I have read your blog and not laughed out loud! you are a riot!
Your granny will be proud!

Lotta said...

Got to grab a pillow and shove it under your belly. It's the only way to keep any dignity while you are on all fours. Um, "cleaning".

Kendra said...

My friends and I compared sagging skin in the mid drift area a few weeks ago, it was amusing. We all got it, just don't look down. I feel like my taters are deflated balloons when I bend down and let em' hang. Oh, so attractive.

Toni said...

OMG! You are too hilarious! I unfortunately have that too!

Lisa Milton said...

I am so glad you share your joy, and your pain - love your site.

My daughter has taken to asking me why I have so much tummy. Why does it stretch so? And what are those white little lines?

She has seen the future. She's not impressed...

NotSoSage said...

OMG, you're funny. Yes, there are certain things one shouldn't look at post-baby or post-30, in my opinion.

THAT is one of them.

And I love the caveat for your proper southern granny. I'm SURE.

Damselfly said...

Cats have it better, though, because they have *fur* to cover it all up....

Lawyer Mama said...

The pictures! Oh my GOD! I just snorted tea up my nose.

Dawn said...

LOL! I am right there with Mrs. Chicken - cleaning up the Dr. Pepper that just spewed out my nose! :D
D

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I have also made that sad discovery. Of course, my hanging skin is marred with horrific amounts of stretch marks. However, seeing as I am WAY more shallow than you....I fully intend to invest in a tummy tuck one day!
The kids' college fund will just have to wait! :) (hee-hee)

Rapunzel said...

Oh! I know the feeling! I try my hardest not to gaze at that part of my body from any angle; 3 c-sections definitely took their toll. The little angels are worth it but I'd love to see a flat tummy again someday.

creative-type dad said...

LOL!!

I'm never reading your blog at work again. People will think I'm crazy laughing like some japanese schoolgirl.

Lisa Bakewell said...

You're too funny. I just ran across your blog about a month ago. It's on my "Links I Love" list now. Thanks for the laughs!

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I wonder if we can get a discount on group plastic surgery?

Aliki2006 said...

I NEVER thought of my belly in feline terms before and now I'm stuck with that image--thanks.

That one picture--too funny. A little tiny human face on a cat's body--ack!

texas math said...

I don't think I was ready to read this post..at work.

Pretty hilarious.

Emily Snipes said...

Um...can I ask why you were on the bed, naked, on all fours if you weren't "doing the deed"??????

amyerj said...

Hey, if you like it "on top" - don't ever look down at your face in a mirror, you'll never climb up there again.

To procreate I mean, of course.

Kevin Charnas said...

You'll always be beautiful to me.

Denguy said...

That's funny, and the "extra set of nipples" thing kind of made me shiver. So, I laughed and I shook.

I know what you mean, though, I was a lean 150 lbs before I had kids and now I'm 165.

Heather said...

LMAO! You are a riot! LOVE the photos!

Multi-tasking Mommy said...

You are absolutely HILARIOUS! Glad you can find humour when thinking about your body image, I'm not quite there yet, but you have inspired me!

EE said...

I'm with you. I wouldn't spend money on plastic surgery...I'd rather buy furniture!!!

sweatpantsmom said...

This is too funny. Unfortunately I'm sure it's still managed to cause poor Granny to hyperventilate despite your best efforts.

Jenifer said...

So freaking funny! I laughed, scrolled and laughed some more!

Holy I needed that.

Thanks. Helpful hint: no lights on ever. Possibly a small candle. Seriously it works.

flutter said...

Oh nice, I am sitting in a puddle of pee. Thanks.

Grim Reality Girl said...

You are NOT alone.... I'm hoping my tummy tuck becomes medically necessary with my breast reduction... insurance needs to cover it...

Also -- I need your photoshop skills.... when do lessons start?

aimee / greeblemonkey said...

That has to be some of the WORST Photoshop work, and some of the FUNNIEST blogging, I HAVE EVER SEEN! Bwwaa haaa haa!!

Kyla said...

Oh my, OTJ! I almost died of laughter. The first photo had me giggling, the second had me laughing quite hard, and the third I was gasping for air. Hilarity!

mothergoosemouse said...

Can't. type.

Literally SNORTING and making those stupid soundless "heeeee-heeeeee-heeeeee" convulsions.

BOSSY said...

Oh - is that Bossy's gut? She thought it was her shoe.

Mom on Coffee said...

They should line a bunch of us up(blindfolded, of course, so we don't have to see ourselves) and take pics to show young women as a form of birth control. I think it would work, but maybe too well. Who in their right mind would do this to themselves?

Bon said...

perhaps we should all post photos of our horrifying wrinkly sagged bits...or expanses, if you will...and inundate the internet with them so thoroughly that they become normal and even beautiful in our eyes.

yeh. right.

until then, perhaps i'll join you in kitten nursing.

Tabba said...

Oh, yeah.....I've looked down to be completely horrified by these *things* that were formerly known as my breasts.
Scary, scary stuff this looking down thing.... :)

Super B's Mom said...

HAHA!

I suddenly can't stop thinking of Meet the Parents when Greg started rambling about milking "cat teats" on his family farm.

Oh how I can (painfully) relate. Reminds me of the time that DH wanted to smack me on the a**, but I told him it was in his best interest not to, since it might start a tidal wave.

Karen said...

Oh.My.Word. That was SO funny. Sad, but funny. (and I am totally there with you, sister - the baby fat, not the granny gown)

Slackermommy said...

Your killing Me! And for the record, a tummy tuck isn't as expensive as I thought it would be and soooo worth Now if I only could get my ass and thighs in shape.

Gretchen said...

Very funny.

My poor tummy was no beauty to begin with, but three kids later... Yikes.

Lisa said...

I. LOVE. THIS. POST!

It made me laugh out loud. Several times.

Thanks for the ab workout. It is VERY needed.

JoeinVegas said...

I would also say that there is someone else involved in the looking part, and evidently (OK, sorry Granny, just assuming here) from the position you were in it doesn't matter. Well, can't say that, it might come up as one of the reasons in the divorce, but then he should be willing to pay for a fix anyway, huh?

Anonymous said...

LOL. Love the photos.

I have a flat stomach and perky (well ony because gravity doesn't have much effect on 32A's) boobs. I'd gadly trade them in for saggy wrinkles and kids of my own.

Little Monkies said...

Lights ON?

Amanda said...

I can honestly say that after seeing your face over at Slouching Mom's place, getting this unique perspective only strengthened my hunch that you have a deliciously sassy streak. Thank you for an unexpected fit of hysterics!

venessa said...

Seriously, where do you get your picture ideas? I can hardly read your hilarious writing, I am too busy laughing at the photos!

QT said...

SO late to this party, so don't care because I just laughed out loud at the first cat pic - thanks, I needed that after my 3.5 hour drive in a GD snowstorm!

metalia said...

These pictures....I'm WEEPING (you know, from all the laughter).

carrie said...

Dear god woman, you need your own reality show. The Jessica Show.

Carrie

ewe are here said...

This is hysterical. Kittens!

And I soooo want a tummy tuck right now... it just seems so much easier than working my sorry *ss off to get rid of the post-baby belly I'm currently sporting.

Flawed & Disorderly said...

Oh my gosh I laughed so hard with those pictures! And the mental picture of you on your back clutching your turtle neck nightgown was Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeelarious!!!!!

Shamin Rama Ding Dong said...

Quite the strange looking feline...yet fetching...

DysdHousewife said...

Betcha next time you turn the lights OFF. ROFL~!

Lisa said...

I'm right there with you. And I, too, am too cheap for a tummy tuck.