Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Horn Goes to High School

One day in Mr. Dowiarz's freshman Geometry class I felt my face.

There was a giant, huge, enormous MASS on my forehead.

I was pretty sure it was a tumor.

I raised my hand and, when called on, insisted that I urgently needed to go see the school nurse.

Released from my Geometry class, I did the super, cool speed-walk to the nurse's office.

Unfortunately, there were 500 other high school students already in there waiting.

[What with their petty, teen-aged concerns and all. Psssshhh. (eye roll)]

I pushed my way past all of them until I stood in front of the nurse's desk.

"Nurse! Nurse!" I yelled loudly enough for all 500 of my classmates to hear, "I have a CYST on my forehead. It could be cancer! I might be dying RIGHT NOW!!!"

The nurse eyed me with a wry look.

She heaved herself up out of her chair, lowered her glasses on her nose and touched the tip of her finger to my giant growth.

Then, with megaphone-like volume and a great, ear shattering echo, she told me,

((((( "IT'S A PIMPLE...PIMPLE...PIMPLE!!!" )))))

[Turn. -- Face class mates. -- Exit nurse's office.]

Oh, I was ever so pop-u-lar at in high school.

69 comments:

Tabba said...

What was it about high school that mandated that all of our most vulnerable, embarrassing moments *must* be witnessed by the masses within those walls & hallways?

wordgirl said...

Are you sure you're not me?

Queen of the Mayhem said...

That can't possibly be worse than when I told my senior algebra teacher that I was having a problem with the first half of 69! Yeah....that really happened! I meant #69...but you can imagine how much I wanted to DIE when the guy sitting in front of me explained what I had said! UGH! High school!

I bet you can see that ALL the boys loved me! Jealous?

Jenifer said...

I have had several that could have been mistaken for a tumor over the years. Easy mistake really.

For this I am grateful my Mom insisted on an all girls high school. It cut the embarrassment down a bit. Also made it harder to get out of gym for "woman problems" though.

Patience said...

Thank you for not posting a picture of this one!

Kendra said...

Hahahaha. Oh, the days.

Working Gal said...

This post just reminds me of how in the last few weeks my skin has began to look like it did in high school. I could live with the pimples if I could get my age 15 ass back, too!

Iris said...

Oh dear.......I could so be that nurse looking over her glasses...... and at 40, I am still the one with the flippin' pimples!!!

Amy said...

I had one once that was so large it started talking to me...

canape said...

So I'm hoping you weren't making a pun there at the end. You were the POP-u-lar one indeed.

Mom on Coffee said...

Mine get so big I name them. Elvin is on my cheek right now. Yes, cheek, WTF?

DD said...

I developed two malignant tumors on each side of my neck in high-school. The medical "experts" told me it was mono.

Strangely, my boyfriend also had the tumors has well. Who knew cancer was contagious?

Lisa Milton said...

Where was HIPPA when you needed it?

Now I fight zits and wrinkles, simultaneously. Which isn't possible. I thought I'd done my time...

PunditMom said...

Oh, I think we could have best friends in high school ... I know that geek walk!

The Sour Kraut said...

Yup, I've got the zips and wrinkles thing goin' on too.

'sup with that?

Penny. said...

You are kidding, really? That is awesome!

My aunt told a very naive thirteen year old me that she did not defecate - she said that her body recycled everything, that she was part of a new evolving species of humans and because she didn't eat crap, she didn't shit crap.

In my grade eight biology class, guess who raised their hand to blow the myth of the digestive system...

Yeah.

I don't have to explain to you how that haunted me for the rest of my adolescent life.

lol

So glad I wasn't alone.

You're awesome.

Queen.. lol! I didn't know about 69 until my first serious full out make out session in grade eleven - I think my response was something like, "69, eh? How about I explain to you what KO-ed means."

Sour - me, too.. wtf, eh?

tulipmom said...

Reminds me of the time in junior high (even more fun than high school, if you ask me) when I had to walk around all day with a sweatshirt tied around my waist so my notfriends couldn't see the big red splot decorating the back of my white pants.

Augs Casa said...

Once in high school blood drive, to get out of class my best friend and I donated blood. As they put the tube in our vein and the nurse told us to squeeze the form once every 10 seconds, my friend and I raced to fill up our pint. Squeezing ever second. 5 minutes later when the nurse came back in and saw it was filled. she bandaged us both up and as we both got up and we both fell to the floor. It was a tie, no winner.

Mimi said...

Oh yeah, I hear ya. My pimples had pimples. It was a grim grim time. I'll take wrinkles over pimples any day. Of course, I seem now to have both. Whoopee.

slouching mom said...

Hah! You had ONE (albeit large) zit?

You got nothing on me, babe. You couldn't even see my face through the zits.

Oh, and did I mention the braces?

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

No you din't.

Lotta said...

But all you had to do was look outside. You would have seen me doing my super cool speedwalk so that I wouldn't pee my pants on the first day of highschool. (I did, but I made it till about a block from home)

Why you ask?

Cause I was too scared to go into the bathroom and get beaten up by the burnouts that I heard lived in there.

JamesMommy said...

You are freakin' hilarious....thanks for a good laugh. I did the cool speed walk to the nurse's my 1st period started at school when I was in the 6th grade....and none of my friends had started yet. Not so much fun. Keep up the great work.

Rapunzel said...

How about the time I got my period in the middle of class, BADLY, went to the office for help, walking backwards and sideways the whole way, hoping no one could see me. My mom worked far away and couldn't come home to get me, so the principal's secretary offered to drive me home to change my clothes. Very nice lady, but she happened to be the mother of the boy I had a major crush on! I thought I'd just die of embarrassment.

High school - the best years of our lives? NOT.

Paige said...

We must have sat at the same table at lunch, as I was quite the band geek...

Adventures in Baby Fat said...

Heh! I just did a post about pimples. I actually did not have any in high school. Apparently my skin hit its puberty stride late in my 20s and is making up for lost time the past 10 years.

Jennifer said...

Ha! Ha!

I wasn't cool either. The fact that my first visit from the lovely "aunt flo" occurred while I was wearing a white dress to school didn't help much. Everyone wished they were like me!

Chrissy said...

Oh, the joys of high school. I thank God I don't have to repeat it again ever!
I was so shy in high school that if something like that had happened to me, I might have actually passed out from embarassment right then and there - hey it would have given the nurse something to actually do!

Blog Antagonist said...

ROFL. My poor Pre-Pubescent One is dealing with right now also. His first pimple arrived just the other day. Oh, The Trauma. ;?)

FishyGirl said...

oy, who would go back if they could? Not me, that's for sure.

Lisa said...

That is so funny.

We would have been fast friends in high school.

mamatulip said...

I have that same mass on my face RIGHT NOW.

Cathy said...

The giant mass on my forehead in high school was caused by the brilliant decision to use a pair of pliers to pull up the zipper on my oh-so-tight jeans.

(My mother refused to let me stay home, no matter how much I pleaded.)

JoeinVegas said...

Good thing it didn't first appear on your, uh, butt, and you were dropping shorts to show the nurse.

Denguy said...

E-e-ew!
Man, You are one pathetic loser. No offense.

I'm still reeling from the "naked on all fours" thing.

Brillig said...

Hahahahaha! Oh my gosh, that is an absolute classic.

Aren't we all glad, now, that high school was so full of social awkwardness? Our lives are so much fuller (i.e embarrassingly hilarious) now because of it!

urban-urchin said...

oh yeah, the underground tunnel zits -if it's on your forehead it hurts in your armpit when you touch it. Those are lovely.

allrileyedup said...

I bet that nurse felt really bad when you started your chemo sessions.

mcewen said...

Ah yes, and now a couple of decades later, a pimple means menopause - aren't we the lucky sex.
Cheers

KAT said...

So glad to know I'm not the only one! No embarrassing pimple stories (although I had plenty... of pimples, not stories)

Anyway, try speedwalking out to the bus in my new white jeans in order to pass (and be noticed by) my crush in junior high... only to get home and realize my jeans... um... weren't so white in the ass area, if you know what I mean. Ugh!

jo! said...

heehee... *pop*ular... i'm gonna be giggling about that one for hours!

Amber said...

Bad. Very bad. Almost as bad when I stood in the line at the Rite-Aid in Hollywood doubled over in pain because I was sure my appendix was going to burst. Only to have the pharmacist LOUDLY ask me in front of all those snooty people:

"IS IT GASSSSSSS?"

Turns out it was.

Aliki2006 said...

I remember pimples--I thought I would never get past them. I am so dreading when my kids get pimples--I will hurt for them so badly that I don't know what I'll do!

Momish said...

You are too funny (even back then!) That totally sounds like something I would do. My roommates in college had to constantly hide the phone from me because I was always trying to call 911 for all my deadly ailments.

King Isepik said...

Back then, "my face" = "large, double pepperoni pizza" Yuck. I feel for you.

Lawyer Mama said...

Now see I would have just worried myself to death about cancer.

Ah, don't you miss the teenage years? Baaaahaaaaaaa!

Cherann said...

Technically, a pimple IS a cyst. I believe it's medical term is sebaceous cyst.

I think the nurse she should have sympathized. Wasn't she a teenager once?

I always got my big ones the night before I had to take class pics

Kyla said...

How can you be so funny all the time? The humor, it oozes from you...that pimple was probably just a pooling of comic genius. *lol*

dragonfly183 said...

I think i know what your talking about. its a hard painful lump under he skin right? its hard and hurts like a !@#$%

Mamma said...

Can you tell me why I'm now using wrinkle cream and still getting those?! UGH!!

dragonfly183 said...

ok the one about pulling up the zipper with pliers and hitting yourself in the forehead with them, that will have me laughing all night.

venessa said...

I wouldn't know how that feels. I never got pimples. Never. Really. And no, you CANNOT see my yearbook. Just trust me.

Y said...

HAHA.

I once did that in front of company.

I thought I had a bee sting on my back and I came running in the living room in front of all my moms guests screaming about a bee sting on my back.

My mom looked at it and said THAT'S A ZIT, YOU FREAK.

okkaayy. Thanks Mom!

carrie said...

At least you weren't the girl who got her period wearing white pants.

Oh, that wasn't me either. I was a late bloomer!

Carrie

ewe are here said...

WeI'm sensing a serious lack of sensitivity from that school nurse. Was she never a teenager herself?

sigh

I hated high school.

FENICLE said...

Ouch. Literally. I could never have been a school nurse.

Pendullum said...

So?
Did you pop it?
Da zit?

Stepping Over the Junk said...

Ah! Sometimes, I feel that way now with my kids who say really loudly, in PUBLIC "MOMMY, HOW'D YOU GET THAT BOOBOO ON YOUR FOREHEAD?"

Mrs. Schmitty said...

That's freaking hilarious!

Kelly said...

I am STILL dealing with the goddam acne. STILL!

And of course, all my friends had nearly perfect, pore-free, silky smooth skin. It was enough to send a gawky adolescent right over the edge.

BOSSY said...

Ruh-roh - If your cyst was a pimple than what is your bellyroll?

Cece said...

I think school nurses are produts of the Army & taught to be mean.

Heather said...

Damn those pimples! Ones on the forehead hurt the worse too. Almost as bad as the occasional one on the butt cheek that is right there your butt bone is when you sit down. Ow. (was that tmi?)

angel said...

The idea of a school nurse has always flabbergasted me. We had no such luxury. If you were sick, if you were injured whoever was around would take you to the hospital if the hospital wasn't necessary you'd go home.

In 4th or 5th grade when I split my lip open (big time frozen water on a hill plus a bunch of kids using it as a slide = mega pain) I was allowed to miss class and stay in the library....I guess thats the closest to a nurse I can think of.

foodiemama said...

i am sooooo glad i found your blog! awesomely hilarious!

carmachu said...

I'm not sharing my HS horror stories with you ladies....

Ortizzle said...

I posted about precisely that last week! The Zit that weighed a thousand pounds, a.k.a. a volcano in the making.

And isn't it great to have masses of witnesses?!

flutter said...

So one time, I thought I had a polyp in my nose, and I went to the nurse who pulled out the world's biggest booger, with like, 54 nosehairs in it...WITH TWEEZERS.

She then suggested I blow my nose more often.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

J- I can't believe you did not realize that I was really talking about problem #69! That was the humiliating part! The entire class fell out in a fit of hysterics, and I had no idea what was so funny!

Now that I am aware of the importance of that number....I am even LESS amused! (hee-hee)