Thursday, April 26, 2007

Dana has A Problem

Awhile back we held a Hole in Your Butt Consciousness Raising Session here at The House of Joy.

Through that effort we firmly established that everyone has a hole in their butt and that the hole in The Mayor's butt is named Dana.

Dana has proved to be an endless source of joy.

Last night as we were falling asleep I started to giggle.

"What are you thinking about?" K asked.

"Oh, I was just thinking about Dana! Ha ha ha!!"

Then K started to giggle too.

"What are YOU thinking about?" I returned.

"I'm thinking that Dana's DIRTY! She's been a dirty girl lately! Ha ha ha."

Then we were both laughing.

Dana has a problem.

During the day Dana isn't... um... she isn't getting the attention she needs.

She's doing her job, but no one is... I don't know... appreciating her efforts in return.

What is the delicate way to ask the already overworked and underpaid daycare providers to really get in there... to dig in?

Using my monogrammed stationary, a lovely greeting card, a piece of notebook paper, the back of the local sushi take-out menu, I write:

Dear Fabulous Daycare Provider,

I am so grateful for the quality of care you bring to your work and specifically the loving and gentle way you care for The Mayor.

I do have a teensy, weensy favor to ask you.

We've noticed that
The Mayor routinely suffers from unnecessary FLANUS.

Could you please be mindful to give the child's bottom a vigorous wiping?

Thanks so much! (You da bomb!)

Smooches,

OTJ

44 comments:

Aliki2006 said...

My poor three-year old is so adamant that she's a "big girl" and can clean herself after the potty. Alas, she doesn't even come close to doing a good job. It's battle each day.

Mamma said...

I didn't see the chapter in What to Expect about letters to daycare re: poop. Your's must be a newer edition.

slouching mom said...

They won't change their ways at daycare. Because they're too worried about being sued if they use too much force.

I'm not even kidding about this.

Blog Antagonist said...

Well, from my perspective, you should be happy it's getting wiped at all. Because once they are left to their own devices in that regard...it doesn't. You oughta see the skid marks I have to deal with!

Tracysan said...

Poor Dana...there's nothing sadder than a sad anus.

Karen Forest said...

You are so funny!

We need to have more of these town hall type meetings at our house.

Augs Casa said...

DraMa and I often have conversations like your in bed also. I thought we were the only ones who do this. Poor Major, hope his Dana is better kept.

Ty said...

This post made me laugh so hard, the water I was drinking came out my nose! Thanks for the sinus cleaning!

Lisa said...

Oh that's so freaking funny!

(My son still won't wipe his own butt. BUt that's sort of ok because he never does a good job and he won't wash his hands afterward and Eeeeewwww.)

Dana, no, seriously! said...

Ok, delurking. I am really named Dana, and when I starting reading your archives, I was amused and horrified at your son's chosen name for his little butt.

I sometimes tell my husband at nite about the funny I stuff I read on mommyblogs, and he mostly feigns interests. When I told him about Mayor's butt he laughed and laughed.

My son is 13 months, and I cannnot wait to hear the jewels that come out of his mouth.

PS love your site, you are so very very funny. I check in every morning!

Bob Dylan said...

I have grandchildren, and my kids bought a lot of those 'wet wipes for bums' the grandkids use them and problem solved.

Dr. Oz recommends them.

Super B's Mom said...

Super B has this problem as well. And although he is almost 4, he is still creating some pretty awesome racing stripes. And I'm assuming since he is male, will continue to for the rest of his life....

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Damn, I hate flanus. Ahem...not that I personally know what that's like...but I uh, I've been told..ahem.

My poor kid gets dug into on a really saucy diaper...She says "mom, that hurts!"

QT said...

OMG -this is too funny. I would hate to be the recipient of said note!

Chrissy said...

Oh poor Mayor and Dana!
Maybe the daycare should think about purchasing the wet and flushable toilet wipes - they clean much better than toilet paper.

JoeinVegas said...

Smooches? At least you are polite.

liv said...

Oh, Dana. I know you long for the days when your owner will do a thorough job himself. To be at someone's mercy to get a good scrub must be terrible!

Tabba said...

Poor, poor Dana.

Oh, and You da bomb!

BOSSY said...

Flanus, huh? Bossy needs to get a better dictionary.

mcewen said...

Shame, poor little thing. Try taking a box of those disposable [flushable] Kandoo [no advertising] wipes - they smell so lovely the workers will be fighting over who has the chance to wipe! [maybe]
Cheers

Paige said...

How did fabulous daycare provider respond to your missive? Just wondering...

Cece said...

Poor Mayor! My 5 y.o. has that problem every now & then. Oy!

Kevin Charnas said...

Why is Dana a "she"?

Toni said...

Been there- I didn't name my kids bunky hole- just asked her to wipe it better.

radical mama said...

He! If you need to write a second note (and I hope you don't, for Dana's sake), perhaps writing it on toilet paper would be appropriate.

Lotta said...

Just chuck 'em in the bath every night. I know some moms think a nightly bath is excessive. But frankly if I shit my pants everyday I would appreciate the soak.

Terri said...

Oh boy....

Jenny Ryan said...

So we don't have kids, but we do have 3 cats, and unfortunately I see WAY WAY more ass/anus than I EVER wanted to, since apparently that is the special way our cats have of sharing their love and affection with us.

And, thanks so much for the nomination!! I voted for you in all your categories :)

Megan said...

oh jesus, to be the wiper of Dana!

Kyla said...

My son is still hollering "Moooooooom!!!! Come wiiiiiiiiiipe my buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutt! I'm done pooooooooooooooooping!" after he makes a twosie. He thinks this is a privlege and when we have company he always tries to call them to wipe his tush. When we come instead, he says "But I think [guest name] really DOES want to wipe my butt. He will be sad if you do it."

We had the same issues at daycare when he was younger. I even bought him wet flushable wipes for them to use, hoping it might help, but they wouldn't even open them until I made a fuss two weeks later seeing them unopened in the cubby. I do NOT miss daycare. *lol*

Babs said...

You are so brave to write that letter! I have thought about it but since they have had to play pooh lotto with my kid, I decided to just give them this one.

pooh lotto = no pooh for, oh, 3 or 4 days. the nervous daycare godesses start to pass him around waiting for the lucky jackpot to arrive.

OH, my biggest complaint is the crevis in the bits and pieces. hello, boys need to stay clean!

FENICLE said...

You indeed are the one's who's 'da bomb'!!!!

notfearingchange said...

Ohmigod...im not having children....

OTJ - thank you! You are saving my finances being spent on contraceptives! ;-) teeeheee

Fairly Odd Mother said...

I want to kiss whoever created Kandoo---those things have saved us from many a dirty bum.

EE said...

teehee!!!

KC said...

I hope Dana gets clean soon. Maybe a 12-step wipe program?

urban-urchin said...

I've seen the skid marks in my kids pants- it's not pretty.

The toddler wipes may help (they helped my kid). Or you could teach the Mayor to scooch across the floor like dogs do when their dana's are dirty- the daycare may get the hint then (although if he continues that in kindergarten there may be some issues.....)

Stepping Over the Junk said...

"You da bomb!" My daughter's preschool teachers would shit in their own pants over this request...sticks in the mud that dont do much

NotSoSage said...

I think it should say, "Baby wipes are not just for babies, people." Sometimes a little moisture goes a long way.

If only North Americans would get over whatever prude fear they have and embrace the bidet, we wouldn't have to worry about this, am I right?

Lawyer Mama said...

Yeah! A quasi-poo post!

I'm dying to know if you brought it up with daycare & what they said!

karrie said...

Flanus. Heh!

Reminds me of a lovely term I heard to describe tiny bits of toilet tissue that remain when you're too hugely pregnant to wipe yourself properly: clitty litter. ;)

aimee / greeblemonkey said...

Luckily Declan is routinely constipated. The only "luckily" part of that is "no mess."

Flawed & Disorderly said...

Ironman still makes Dana references, and we chuckle every time.

And he can't see a rooster on t.v. without yelping whatever name you gave it. I can not begin to tell you how disturbed he was by that description. Is it a rooster wobble? I've repressed it.

Anyway, I think that was the last time Ironman read Oh, The Joys. He's probably going to require therapy. Why does that make me laugh so hard??? He just can't let it go. It's like it JUST happened! He's the same way with a story I told him about a friend who revealed her wolf crotch once when she was walking around in a bathing suit. I'll give you our address if you want to send him some peanut butter treats. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

Anonymous said...

As a daycare employee, who also happens to be named Dana, I find this blog both sad and hilarious. I will remember to wipe thoroughly when necessary (although I doubt it will be with 5-8 year-olds). Cheers and good luck with Dana!