Catherine at Her Bad Mother asked me to participate in a baby shower for T B (Soul Gardening), Liz (Mom-10) and Christina (A Mommy Story).
The registry requested that shower guests bring the best and worst advice received before giving birth for the 1st, 2nd, 3rd or... time.
Because I'm the eager beaver of joining, I said yes before I really READ the invitation. You know, like the details and stuff. Like who it was honoring, for example.
The thing is... I don't really "know" T B, Liz or Christina.
So I'm the weird cousin of one of the guests that was going to be in town anyway so she had to be invited and now (gasp) she's COMING!
"Hi. Happy intimate baby shower from me, a total STRANGER. I hope you like this here cheese basket."
My outfit is all wrong, I'll surely be the first to arrive and I'll stand out as a complete and total dork...
HOWEVER, I will come bearing gifts for these and other wimmins of the blogville who are about to burst.
I present my HUMBLE gifts...
Walkee Walkee, Hanky Panky
Uh...excuse me?
I could barely haul my bigness to the Ben & Jerry's container much less go ambling happily around the neighborhood. (I totally made it to the freezer though.)
And let's be clear... The Wah Wah Guitar of Marital Bliss was not making any Bow Chicka Bow Wow music.
[READ: Mister, you touch me and you DIE.}
Only one person at a time pressing relentlessly on my cervix, please.
Who's a horn dog at 42 weeks? Seriously.
"Walkee, walkee, hanky panky? Suck my hairy, big toe right now."
Beer Makes Your Breastmilk Come in Stronger
I'm reasonably sure that advice is a load of crap, but I was too busy throwing back the Guiness to care.
And I can assure you that sucking back The Elixer of My People took my mind off of the sleep deprivation and the stress.
For a few moments of beer drinking lovliness, there was only me... and Michael Flatley... and we did The Dance of our People... and we were HOT.
55 comments:
Another way to really boost milk production? Give birth to a vampire. A tiny little person who insists on being attached to your breasts 24-7, even during diaper changes and baths (both his and yours).
Continue for a long time. A LONG time. To the point that said vampire-baby can prepare a PowerPoint presentation explaining why he should still be allowed to nurse, despite the fact that he can dress himself, bake muffins, and buy beer without being carded.
I have no idea what a cheese basket is (surely not a basket made of cheese) but I MUST have one now.
i had something clever to say but moob's idea of a basket made of cheese has me drooling and thinking "Me likey cheese" and now I cant recall what this comment was all about
The Baron needs to know... what finally caused The Mayor to emerge?
Your blog makes The Baron laugh daily.
LOL! I LOVE your witt in this post!
The best cheese baskets are made of pretzels and carry cheese. Yum.
Kind of like this post.
Good advice! Though the hanky panky is what got my labour started at 38 weeks. One man's poison...
All of which goes to prove that the people closest to you aren't necessarily the ones with the best advice.
Thank you for the virtual cheese basket, the advice, and getting bad porn soundtracks stuck in my head for the rest of the day.
I'm surprised that Michael Flatley was able to keep his shirt on for that picture.
Wow, beer huh? Where was that advice when I was all preggers??
Whether or not it actually works, I cannot believe the words "walkie, walkie, hanky panky" came out of your doctor's mouth. Does he think he's teaching kindergarten? Good thing you're the forgiving soul you are...I probably would have knocked him flat on his ass, screaming, "I'm pregnant, not STOOPID!"
The Lord of the Dance poster! Cannot stop laughing!
i don't know them either (well, embarrassingly, i know them...they don't know me...) but i love me a good party!
you always make me laugh. oh my god. that poster.
I was so desperate for the E-man to make an appearance that I actually attempted -- at 38 weeks -- to lure Hubs into the marital bed.
And I can now totally recommend that no woman -- EVER -- use this speed-em-down-the-canal method unless you know of a nice, open-minded choreographer who can talk you through the various positions.
("Um, no, a little to the left. No honey, he's not in there yet. You're probably feeling the baby. Maybe if you got on all fours?")
Oh, yeah, and it didn't work anyway.
Might I suggest a nice bout of flu with a fever that jump-starts contractions...?
We were told to try some "Hanky Panky" as well. That was one of the funniest moments of our lives.
Didn't work for us either.
Great advice.
I have no advice. I was a winging it fool and I think I still may be.
Just can't stop laughing....
Do you want to come hang out with me by the vegetable tray and ranch dip? I'm another cousin (actually, cousin's neighbor) who offered up a baby shower gift, vis a vis some mom assvice.
There. I finally got to use vis a vis in a sentence.
Oh the horror of being the odd ball at the baby shower. I once attended a baby shower for a friend from a looooong time ago. Apparently we'd gone in different directions in our lives. My jeans and nice shirt were wayyyyy off. Everyone there was wearing pink and very high heels. And VERY nice suits.
My $40 gift was wayyy off. I think someone gave my friend over $3000 in gifts.
Can we say grab some food and run as fast as possible AWAY from the baby shower. Eek!!
Oh how glad I am I did not post my shower "gift" yet. I am not intimate with these lovely ladies either, but so wanted to participate!
After reading your post, I beg you to let me be the third-cousin-by-law-once-removed that crashes the party with you! I insist. In fact, you have no say in the matter, I am tagging along with you no matter what you say!
Is it worse to be the cousin-thrice-removed at the baby shower or the only woman there who has not given birth?
Loving the poster. You are a PhotoShop master!
You're the Shower Crasher!
Lawyer Mama likes that the Baron refers to himself in the third person and now LM is going to do it too.
LM also likes beer. I don't think LM could have survived breastfeeding without beer and wine.
You look really HOT in that orange spangled bodyskirt. You really need to do something about those man hands though.
Haha, too funny. Good laugh to start the weekend!
You are hysterial woman. I know I've said that like 100 other times in past comments. BUT YOU ARE!
Love that photo of you and Michael. Nice hair and bod!
LOL! I've sooo been there on not wanting to be touched while being an overdue pregnant lady.
Why did you have to go & mention cheese? I LURVE cheese!
I fell off attempting to induce labor via hanky panky. Fell. off. and toppled off the bed laughing at how ridiculous it all was.
Oddly my water broke the next morning. Hoegaarden did not to boost my paltry boob juice supply, but it helped in its own way.
The day I gave birth we walked to the store to get a plastic shower curtain for the bed in case my water broke and on the walkey home I flooded the foyer...no joke
guinness is goof dor you
Best use of photoshop I've seen lately. Nice work, dude.
Such good advice & definitely something to keep in mind as we approach the birth of our ... fourth.
With four under the age of three ... I think I need a keg.
"Walkee Walkee, Hanky Panky"
Bossy has one question: Was your Obstetrician that "wax on wax off" dude from Karate Kid?
my worst advice would be that someone told me breathing would help?
You truly *are* the queen of Photoshop.
Was your Dr. paid by yor husband? That is the worst advice EVER!!!
Carrie
I expect they'll love you and the cheese basket: worry not. Since our gang all started having babies, I find social small talk much easier now it's all about grim bodily fluids.
I'm helping to throw a comedy "pre-birthing party" tomorrow for a very pregnant friend of mine. There will be wolf masks, howling, at least one plastic dolphin, clay modelling and grunting. I will be dressing my daughter as a uterus. There will be pictures. I wish I had a cheese basket to add to the birthing bundle of symbolic objects.
(It's 01.30am here and I can't sleep. I'm sort of disturbed in advance by it all.)
Oh! And I second the Guinness. Guinness makes strong, healthy babies. It made me feel 400% better in the last few months of pregnancy, too.
I too went 42 weeks with my first child. I didn't mind the hanky panky but my aunts advise was drink lots of wine and walk up the stairs backwards. She said that always works. I opted to wait it out because 1. I don't like wine and 2. I was so huge and off balance that I would have killed myself trying to get up the stairs backward.
Your photoshop skillz are just....wrong.
And hilarious, did I mention that?
Oh, you definitely need to be writin' that maternity advice book NOW! :)
I wish I knew the beer advice before I finished birthing children. I could've used a drink.
And anyone who calls sex "hanky panky" deserves to have to perform the act alone. Also, I guesstimate that your doctor was 100 years old???
That photo is awesome. I'd love to see you 'riverdancing'.
I'd heard about the Guinness thing--I wish I'd tried it; it would have been much more palatable than the Mother's Milk tea I kept drinking.
I the only one who was incredibly frisky when preggers? Right up to the moment of delivery, no matter that I'd gained 50 lbs and was big as a house, I managed to find a position.
Should I be blushing now?
Your LOTD poster rocks!
I was pissed that I didn't get a shower for the birth of my second child. I was told you only get it for the first one. What a load. Anytime you push a human being out of your crotch you should get a party.
42 weeks? You pooooooooor thing. I was 5 days late with both and I really thought I was nearing death.
I think your cheese basket was LOVELY.
Beer absolutely makes breastmilk! Don't try to tell me any different!
I'm sure you would be welcomed at any party you stepped into. And a dork? Never.
Now about that beer advice - I'd better pass that onto my husband before he gets manboobs.
My mom birthed my in England and was given beer in the first few hours portpartum to help her milk come in. Cheers!
As for the facebook addiction: a lot of my classmates are on it, so everytime I go on I have "new friends" from a long time ago. I like to surf their profiles and find out what they're up to, then gossip about and with them. Basically it's high school all over again! Anyways, I requested to be your friend, then you can join my "hot mommas of facebook" group!
Ha! Hanky panky - not!
Stumbled in here tonight, and cracked up. Thanks for the laughs. Helps where I am in my life right now, and the warpedness in your blog fits right into my thinking. Thanks again!
Keep on bloggin' and we'll keep on laughin'.
J.
nice to meet you at the shower!
see you again tomorow.
i got my belly picture in too late,
i'm so bummed.
i walked + walked + walked + i think they tell you that to keep you busy.
please send me your blog button/badge for my mother's day blogroll + spread the word to more moms :)
oh + enter my mother's day giveaways
I'm with Janet. WINGED IT!
And that LOTD poster cracks me up!
Yeah, Guiness is on my list of items to stop and pick up on the way home from the hospital.
After the cervix check at today's doctor's appt., I don't want anything anywhere near that area for awhile.
Oh, and you're welcome to any party of mine - beer for new moms? Best. advice. ever.
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