Friday, February 16, 2007

Shut Up About Park Rangers Already You Freak

Alas, another Valentine's Day passed without any Park Ranger action.

No one can accuse me of not giving it my best effort - even in the eleventh hour...


-----Original Message-----
From: Oh, The Joys [mailto:ohthejoys(at)gmail.com]
Sent:
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
9:02 AM
To:
Mike (K's former boss and former chief ranger in charge of large U.S. National Park)
Subject: Happy Valentine's Day - could be happier...

Dear Mike:

I hope all is well with you and that you are properly adored today being that it is Valentine’s Day.

I’m sending you a photo to NOT SO SUBTLEY remind you of how you said you’d hook me up.

K would make a mighty FINE lookin’ Park Ranger don’t you think?

It IS Valentine’s Day after all (and I have no shame.)

Mike, really. I need your help!!

Best,
Jessica


-----Original Message-----
From: Mike [mailto:formerchiefranger(at)tease.com]
Sent: Wednesday, February 14, 2007
4:22 PM
To: Oh, The Joys
Subject: RE: Happy Valentine's Day - could be happier...

I think that K should wear a ranger uniform and take you for a role in a meadow since its Valentine's day.


-----Original Message-----

From: Oh, The Joys
Sent: Wednesday, February 14, 2007
4:29 PM
To: Mike
Subject: RE: Happy Valentine's Day - could be happier...

My thought exactly, but see you have a role to play in that coming true… Which is why I come to you BEGGING.

I need the uniform, Mike. I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed it.

Can you help a desperate girl out? I can get you his sizes…


-----Original Message-----
From: Mike
Sent: Wednesday, February 14, 2007
4:41 PM
To: Oh, The Joys
Subject: RE: Happy Valentine's Day - could be happier...

Take a cold!!!!!! bath. I don't have access to any stock of any sizes. I have a ranger hat or two at home but it is too late for today. Lets plan to work on your fantasy for next year. Alternately we could put him in a ranger hat nude for your birthday!


-----Original Message-----
From: Oh, The Joys
Sent: Wednesday, February 14, 2007
4:41 PM
To: 'Mike'
Subject: RE: Happy Valentine's Day - could be happier...

Okay. If you can get me a ranger hat – and let me just remind you that at the fancy nonprofit event dinner LAST YEAR it was you who suggested Valentine’s Day “next year” – which would be today – ahem.

It is too late for today, but Mike, I would totally rather – you know – “roll in the meadow” in a month other than February.

Spring is coming.

I’m just sayin’…


To this, my man Mike sent no reply.

-SIGH-

I did get flowers... and this card expertly "enhanced" for reality:

Front of Card

2007 Valentine Card Cover

Pop Up Interior
(complete with screaming Mayor and food covered Rooster)

2007 Valentine Card

I guess I need to put the Park Ranger dream away for awhile, but the Valentine Week did end on a high note last night.

After six hours spent on the phone with tech support (someone stick a needle in my eyeball) I went to the market and who should be standing in line in front of me?

A National Park Ranger in full dress.

Oh, the ... anticipation.

I was grinning like a fool at the man and making him a bit uncomfortable... so being the complete dork that I am, I said,

"Excuse me sir, I really have to tell you something."

I confessed my Park Ranger Fetish to this 79 year old African American man and gave him a chuckle.

He did confirm that it is illegal to impersonate a Federal Officer, but "only if you get caught," he said.

He did not, however, offer me a uniform.

I will continue to dream...

48 comments:

ewe are here said...

Well, the hat sans clothes for your birthday party isn't a bad place to start, right?

Great card! ;-)

Lux Lisbon said...

I think the title says it all. ;)

Becky said...

Poor, Jessica... no Park Ranger for her! ;o) I would have loved to be behind you in line at the store when you confessed your fetish to the 79 year old African American park ranger! LOL!

Good luck in your Park Ranger pursuits! A nekkid park ranger with only his hat on sounds good to me! ;o)

Oh, and I love the card K gave you... that was really creative!

headless chicken said...

Awesome card! I love it when you can tell they thought about the day before it rolled around!

Wow, back when you first admitted it, I thought you were joking about this interesting fetish. Now I realize you can never take your family to Yellowstone. Yikes!

Good luck on your quest for the hat. Maybe some sage cargo pants with it and he could be a sweaty shirtless ranger. Lalala!

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

I think the solo hat works just wonderfully...no?

anna said...

Sheesh, some people don't know how good they've got it and just want more, more, more. That CARD!!! Fuggedaboutit. You so scored in the Valentine Department.

Veronica Mitchell said...

I bet you made the old guy's day. He will be telling that story for years.

canape said...

Placement of the hat is key.

Mona said...

Sorry you didn't get to live out your Park Ranger fantasies. Kudos on your determination!

You could always hire a seamstress to whip you up a uniform. My seamstress is Vietnamese and I doubt I could convey to her why I would need such an outfit. I don't know what "sexy time" is in her language.

Mamma said...

I like the idea of a hiring a seamstress!

You know I still don't get the Park Ranger thing...but I'm not judging. I realize I don't have a like fantasy for Shakey. I'm thinking I better get one. Maybe I can turn it into a blog contest..."Get Me a Fantasy for My Man!" What d'ya think?

Kevin Charnas said...

Why are you blonde in the card?

Iris said...

I am so sorry your Park Ranger fantasy has been left unfulfilled yet again...{insert muffled laughter here}.....sorry, I just can't get this out of my head!!!

Missy said...

Oh, The Frustration!

Sayre said...

Man - I hope Mike comes through for you next year!!!!

In the meantime, TAKE THE HAT!

Natalie said...

I think that running into a random park ranger is an omen. Your wish is destined to come true. Eventually.

Gingers Mom said...

Better luck next year....Hee hee hee...
The card looks really nice.

QueenieBadd said...

Well, that is a shame. It's good to have a fantasy though... Maybe, if you can get ahold of a hat, somebody can sew some patches on a brown uni shirt and pants?

The card is classic.

Lisa said...

You are hysterical woman. Now whenever I see a park ranger, I'm gonna think of you. And if he's hot and I have a camera, I'm going to take a photo and send to you. heehee.

Hope you get some hot park ranger (hubby) action for your birthday.

Velma said...

I say get the hat now, pick up the rest of the outfit piece by piece over the rest of the year.

"Aaaanti-ci-pa-tion..."

Wait, that song just make me think of ketchup.

Karana said...

Well, you're obsessed with Park Rangers, I'm obsessed with nothing to say and whining about being afraid to state my mind on my blog. To each his own. At least yours is amusing! :)

Dirty Blonde said...

Have you checked e-bay?? I suprised you cant find a park ranger outfit on e-bay.

Alternately, perhaps you have a friend who sews??

And isn't that a country song? You can leave your hat on?

Abbynormal said...

I am trying to think of my most odd fantasy. I love that you told the park ranger your story. It definitely sounds like something I would do. Very hilarious, very awesome.

Kami said...

I've been reading your blog for awhile. I got hooked on it reading Kevin's blog. I actually get to claim him as a good friend. We live close to each other. Anyhow, I've been slowly getting into this blogging thing and today I linked to you in my blog (first time I've done that!).

Kami said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chaos Control said...

You're not a freak. I promise.

mama_miga said...

Have you thought of putting together a uniform from a supply company? I found this site that has mix and match uniforms available. They even have THE HATS! I swear I'm in no way affiliated with this site, just passing along some info....

http://www.siegelsuniforms.com/pages/details.php?subcatid=1&catid=58&prevcat=

Mel said...

Take the hat. Nekkid park ranger has got to count for something.
I'm with Iris...I just can't help picturing the Yogi bear cartoons.
Although the more times I think about Nekkid Park Ranger...Hmmmm. No, still nothing. I'll have to come up with my own fantasy, I guess. I hope you actually get to fufill yours soon.

Pattie said...

I suppose if you were desperate enough, you could have led the park ranger you met in the grocery store to a secluded place..... and knocked him out... and stole his uniform....not that I am suggesting that is legal or anything....

Stepping Over the Junk said...

Oh lorday, I can't stop laughing, you are too much!!!!!

Jenifer G. said...

I thought I could be a little "focused"sometimes...
There is always next year. Start your preparations now so you won't be disappointed.

Fun stuff.

nutty mummy said...

you're so funny.. I can't believe it can be that difficult to find a park ranger uniform... I wonder if you can get them over here..?

I've tagged you btw. My first meme.. will you have a go..?

www.littlenuttree.wordpress.com

kfk said...

Oh, the disappointment. So very sorry.

Sandra Miller said...

Park Rangers have always struck me as being oh-so-very proper... sort of like grown-up boy scouts.

But then again, they're out there with all of those wild animals...

Hmmm.

Yeah, I can see it.

Emma Sometimes said...

oh that is funny...first time here. Great story. :o)

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Don't give up....there's got to be somewhere...where's there's a will, there's a way!

On the note of random conversations with strangers..... last night I went for a few cocktails with some girlfriends...( Girl's NIGHT OUT WOO HOO)

In walks a man that looks EXACTLY like the lead singer of Def Leopard....back in the 80's! As the night progressed, this amused me more and more (maybe it was the appletinis) and I would stand close to him, put up my rock n roll hands and sing "Pour Some Sugar on Me!" Well, the appletinis must have done something to my vocal chords as the last time I did it, I was so loud that he turned around. So, I said, "Hey! Are you the lead singer of Def Leopard?" Funny, men who wear hairsprayed mullets in 2007 don't appreciate this question......I feel a post coming on about this experience.....

PunditMom said...

You've gotta hang on to your dreams, girlfriend!

wordgirl said...

Perhaps you could obtain a crossing guard uniform...or threaten a 5th grader into giving you his Safety Patrol badge...you know...just until the Park Ranger outfit arrives.

flutter said...

oh and twisted dreams they are.

Moobs said...

Over here we have no park rangers only Park Wardens whose job it is to wander around London's parks shouting at children for feeding ducks. They are not very sexy.

QT said...

I say take the hat, then you can work on the rest. I have a uniform fetish too - policemen especially. Sometimes I beg my BF to wear his toolbelt from work at home. Freaks of the world unite, I guess!

Ortizzle said...

Oh, the card! So funny! --Never thought about park rangers as fantasy potential, but now ya got me goin'

g-man said...

That card was too funny. Bummer about the Ranger uniform. An old army buddy of mine was going to be one, but the opted for a different line of work, otherwise I'd help you out. I am all for fantasy fulfillment. Look in the yellow pages maybe there is a uniform shop around your town. You may even be able to put something together from Kohls or Sears or whatever.

Paige said...

I'm gonna buy you a purty frame for your dreamy pic of K...

ephelba said...

AHAHAHHAHAH! I misread the title as "Power Ranger", which added a whole 'nuther layer of humor to the story...

notfearingchange said...

LMAO!

THat is hillarious...poor man in the market! lol
did you not offer him money for his uniform?!

Flawed & Disorderly said...

Ahaha! How did I miss this post? You're being totally serious about your fetish! I believe you! I believe you! Oh my gosh! I hope you get hooked up soon. I've never even seen a man in park ranger uniform. Did a park ranger do something to you/for you as a young girl? Why are they so sexy to you? Wow!

BTW, thanks for all the traffic today!!!

Anonymous said...

hahahaha... this caught my eye because I have... 4 NPS uniforms! Hahahahaa... and you have none. But what is "a role in the meadow"?? And what the heck are Rangers doing that they shouldn't be doing lest they get caught with their... um... pants down?

Gregory's in Colorado supplies the uniforms.

wayabetty said...

That's too funny! Can I send you a cardboard cut out of a Park Ranger then?!