Friday, January 19, 2007

What Is The Return Policy On The Children?

Did you ever read that book, "A Prayer for Owen Meany" by John Irving?

Owen's voice is written entirely in CAPITAL LETTERS to illustrate his high-pitched, annoying tone and decibel level.

From the moment I picked The Mayor up from daycare until the moment he was put to bed, he talked NONSTOP ABOUT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING!!!

NONSTOP!!!!

oy.

Rooster, on her SEVENTH ear infection, is more than pissed off. She is grouchy personified.

The hours between daycare pick-up and bedtime were a dark, pit of doom.

Once they were both bedded down it was all K and I could do to stare at the television and leak drool.

A commercial for toilet paper came on featuring an impossibly cute she-toddler.

The ad pitched the toilet paper as softer than baby skin but they can't fool me now that I'm a mom. There is nothing so soft as that... but I digress.

Watching the mighty cute she-toddler hug and fondle the package of toilet paper, I said to K,


"They sure are lucky they're so cute. Look how nice and sweet she looks!"

K threw his arm up, pointed an angry finger at the television and yelled,

"FALSE ADVERTISING!"

54 comments:

Patience said...

Ah! Little sweet gifts from God!!

Dirty Birdie said...

LOL! No they don't come with a receipt or instructions. They are received as is and there is no warranty or guarantees.

Gypsy said...

Well, they can't show the truth else the population would stunt, then dwindle, then die. Or so I hear.

QT said...

A Prayer for Ownen Meany is one of my favorite books! I feel for you...

MamaLee said...

It just gets better, doesn't it? lol

You've been tagged, btw. Check out my blog. XOXOXOXOXO

Mona said...

I didn't think you could get any cooler and there you go, pimping my man-hero, John Irving.

NtycnBoricua said...

Yea, false advertising for real. Sometimes we feel like taking back our lil monkey. lol

http://ntycnboricua.blogspot.com

Cece said...

Any kid you don't live with is cute. Mostly.

Nicole said...

aah. That's funny!

Starrlight said...

Reading Owen right now as a matter of fact. I hear K on the false advertising. There are days...

Natalie said...

I really enjoyed that book! My father would tell me that he could take my sister and I back to Target all the time. I would have thought we came from a higher end store. He also told us that there were spares in the basement so he could always kill and replace us. To both these claims sister and I laughed.

Mimi said...

Ah.. yes, parenthood... now we know why some animals eat their young...

Sayre said...

I've seen SIMON BIRCH, which was apparently based on "A Prayer for Owen Meany". I have always meant to read the book (since I LOVE the movie), but haven't gotten around to it yet. Maybe I'll go looking this weekend.

Christina_the_wench said...

I want a gift card exchange. Write down that they didn't fit.

Two Faces said...

I'm right there with you! I have just the one, but she wears me down with all the sound.

At least they are HAPPY sounds most of the time, but jeezy creezy.

Yesterday afternoon, I did the dishes with earphones on!

S. said...

Holy ***! 7 ear infections! Poor girl. I hope she gets better soon!

There have been many nights where J and I just stare at the TV. It's all we can do to not be in bed ourselves by 8pm.

LOL at false advertising. I would have to agree.

Bob said...

One of the reason's I love Bill Cosby's comedy is because his childhood sounded like mine. One of my favorites of his is: "You know, I brought you into this world, I'll take you out." I'd get frustrated at the kids, but would remember that and laugh my way out.

mamatulip said...

It's true. It is false advertising.

Poor, poor Rooster. I really feel for her. I had my first ever ear infection last year and I was miserable. I can't imagine SEVEN.

Long Island Dad said...

I just want to live long enough so that one day they can change my diaper and fetch my dinner! Pay back's a bi*ch!

carrie said...

No kidding...there are days when I really want to say "just stop talking already".

And your post below, my god, how do you come up with this stuff? You need your own show. Seriously. You crack me up.

Kinda makes all those unbearable moments with whiny kids worth it if I can laugh here!!

Carrie

Gingers Mom said...

Ah yes. I have been there. I was there yesterday. I am sure I will be there again tomorrow. Hang in there. After all its only what? 18 years until freedom?

Mignon said...

There must be evidence of a branch of humans that didn't evolve because their kids were ugly.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I am with you on this point! Between potty training and colds the Mayhem has been downright MISERABLE this week! Has Roo gotten tubes? It was the miracle cure for the Princess. Of course, you had to know that Junior Mayhem is on his second set! Ear infections make for unhappy children....and therefore PARENTS!

If it helps at all....which I doubt.....I feel your pain!

Mrs. Chicky said...

False advertising indeed! And those cute, well behaved retriever puppies? Also false. Neither of my dogs have ever, not once, brought me toilet paper when I was stranded on the can. Lies, lies I tell you.

Domestic Slackstress said...

How many ear infections. That pure evil, man. Pure evil. Those suck hard core. My ped keeps mentioning ear tubes. I don't know though. One wounded child at a time.

Em said...

Kids have to be cute. That's the only reason humans don't eat their young!

Lisa said...

So sorry to hear of the many, many ear infections. THose are painful for EVERYONE in the house! Hope she gets better soon.

And I agree with Em.

My fil likes to say that "grandchildren are your reward for not killing your OWN children."

Paige said...

Oh man, what a rough week you've had.

Let's talk soon about getting a break from all this over coffee...

wendy boucher said...

A Prayer for Owen Meany is one of my all time favorite books. Maybe one of your kids is destined for greatness like Owen.

Anna said...

Too funny. Sometimes I feel I am staring blankly at the TV by the end of the night..also leaking drool.

Iris said...

I think to return them you have to be able to fit them back into their original packaging.......I don't know about you.....even at 3 feet tall and 36lbs that is not something I would try.........but one of mine is 6 feet tall and 220lbs... I really don't think I even want to go there!!!!

I think we are stuck, until they get married, then they are someone else's prolbem

notfearingchange said...

OHMIGOD...can i come and visit your family...i love it!

King Isepik said...

You mean we can't return them for store credit? How am I gonna pay for the lipo on my emormous Dad-Ass? I'm supposed to lose 35 lbs accouting to WebMD and I thouthg I had figured it all out. CRAP!!! :)

I feel for you, sometimes I play the quiet game with the princesses. I tell them that the one who is quietest for the next 10 minutes gets a prize. The prize is candy. Then, say round 2 and the other one wins. Go on and it gets more difficult for them as the sugar kicks in. After 8 or 10 rounds, The Queen returns home and I pass them off on her. :)

Just kidding!!!

I feel for you and I hope this at least gave you a smile. :)

Panda said...

You cant get a refund on 'em: we tried at Baby Target last week. But you can leave them out for recycling.

Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

Absolutely true and hysterical!!




Lisa

Jenny said...

"leak drool"

Amen sister. Because sometimes I don't have the energy to physically make myself drool.

Ortizzle said...

And that's why they are so cute. Otherwise they would never make it to adulthood. Or even adolescence.

Desert Songbird said...

I feel your agony on those multiple ear infections. My almost 11-year-old daughter has suffered from those her entire life. She had tubes for several years, had the surgery to repair the holes, and has "outgrown" the infections for the most part, but still has them occasionally because she is a prolific earwax producer. Sigh.

mothergoosemouse said...

The incessant yap-yap-yap-yap-yap...I just try to remain grateful that she's not yet a teenager giving me the silent treatment. But if she asks me one more question about why Pocahontas did that or where John Smith's mommy is, I may just need that pink suede straitjacket that I've been coveting for years.

And I feel the ear infection pain. We were fortunate to escape tubes, but it's still so painful for everyone involved.

mad muthas said...

don't think you can take them back - unless they're in the original condition you got them in, but it would be great to exchange them, sometimes ... just for a while. i suspect you'd soon realise how much nicer your own children are than any others in the whole world ... mostly.

thethinker said...

A Prayer for Owen Meany is one of my favorite books.

urban-urchin said...

i had one of those days today. I was ready to put them both by the curb with sign that says "free". my little guy is on his 5th ear infection since Sept. every time he gets a runny nose he gets one, so again- I hear ya.

Jeremy Jacobs said...

What's a rooster girl?

I suppose it's an American thing.

Brooklyn Frank said...

you need to have your receipt. which, i believe, comes from the mother's vagina.

Lotta said...

First off, Owen Meany, one of my top fiction favs. Secondly, Ugh so understand where you are coming from.

Her Bad Mother said...

Sounds like you got your money's worth.

:)

wordgirl said...

Ah, yes! Every stage of childhood has its own joys and curses. You exchange one for another. And then...they prepare to leave for college. (sob) and suddenly you know you'd do every day (bad and good) over again in order to get it all back.

wordgirl said...

Sorry.The link was bad.

kim said...

wow you guys are lucky ...you can still sit upright *snickers*

ewe are here said...

Hmmm. As I keep swiping the yellow snot seeping out of my toddler's nose this morning, I have to somewhat agree. False advertising indeed.

Sorry about the ear infections... we haven't experienced that joy yet.

wayabetty said...

That's funny, and yup, no exchanges or refund!

BeckyD said...

I keep trying to sell mine on Ebay, but their damn return policy keeps bitting me in the butt. I keep getting the brats back.

Mama G said...

Why is it that just when they piss you off and do something that seriously makes you want to run away and never turn back, they turn around and do/say something so cute that you just melt? Most of the time, anyway ...

Karana said...

The reason they are so cute is because it is the ONLY way they will make it to adulthood. :)