Tuesday, January 30, 2007

The Fugly Side of Hanging Out

Sometimes I just get a little too excited about my thrift store bargains.

I went to the thrift store yesterday because Monday is “everything half price day” and The Mayor needed some extra pairs of pants because… HE STARTED WEARING BIG BOY UNDERWEAR!! W00T!

While there, I found a pair of “Seven” jeans in my size for $3.50 and I tried them on.

There was a woman in the dressing room next to me that had children’s clothes in her basket so I assumed she was a mom even though I could see from the clothes she was putting on the discard rack that she was a size 1.

I knocked on her dressing room door.

Nothing.

I knocked again.

She pulled the curtain aside wearing her bra only (BOLD) and looked at me quizzically.

“Um, you’re a mom, right?” I asked


“Yeah…”


“I need your help,” I begged, “can I wear these?”

The jeans are tight, low-rise, flared and probably a lot more hip than anything I would normally attempt.

She laughed and we shared a moment of unspoken understanding.

At all costs, we mothers must avoid the dread “mom jeans.”

She had me spin around (so she could totally check me out. Heh.) She declared the jeans worthy and said I should buy them, so I did.

However, I failed to conduct the all too important “sit down” test on the jeans.

All my fellow wimmins know the importance of this test which:
a.) makes sure the jeans are not too tight;
b.) shows how your belly roll will look in them when you are sitting; and
c.) illustrates how much of your butt crack will show when you bend or squat.

I think we can all agree that the sit down test is relatively critical for successful pant purchasing.

This morning I put on my new BARGAIN jeans, squatted to zip The Mayor into his coat and flashed The Rooster a classic rear view vertical smile.

If you weren't fully awake before, you are now little girl!

Standing back up, I realized that the sit down test provides one more critical piece of information – where the jeans will settle on your frame when you stand up again.

In this case, the squatting down tugged the jeans far enough down on my body so that when I stood up, the low-rise feature was lower than…

Well let’s just say that if you saw me at that moment you would have had to shout with alarm,

“Sister, you have a serious ROOSTER WATTLE hangin' outta your pants!”

"COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


51 comments:

WILLIAM said...

Vertical Smile...that is funny.

Sayre said...

Sigh - I guess Mom Jeans do have their place. At least you don't have to worry about showing "wattle" or "vertical smiles" - and they're just so gosh-darned hip...

MamaLee said...

Keep those jeans - I hear that ROOSTER WATTLES are coming back into style soon...

lmao

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Ha.

I have performed many a 'sit down test' in my time. Which leads me to only 2 pairs of jeans that really fit well...the others...well, I just wear them when I know I'm not gonna be sitting.

My advice...Don't sit in those jeans...:)

Cat, Galloping said...

hee. but seriously, let me know when you find a pair that is semi-cool and also modest

Girl In Her Underwear said...

AHA HA HA!!! I HATE the low rise jean belly roll!!!!!! For that reason I totally support jeans that snap right under your bra,have pleats down the front, and tapered legs. I also support loafers and white socks. Have you ever put on a pair of comfy old maternity panties and then decided as an after thought to wear your low rise jeans? It's soooo hot!

Becky said...

ROTFLMAO! Thanks for providing me much humor this morning... and yes, I know exactly what you mean about the "sit test". Just make sure you got some sexy underdrawers to wears with them bargain jeans! ;o)

Woman with kids said...

Oh my god, rooster waddle? I'm at work you know, don't get me in trouble for laughing!

DD said...

I totally had you pegged as a rhinestone thong wearer, which you should have been bedazzling your daughter with.

PunditMom said...

Ah, the belly roll. I HATE that! As I mentioned the other day over at my place, I've given in and just decided to name mine -- Poochy!

As for the jeans, you keep them! Someday, you'll go to a party where you know you'll be standing all night! Plus, there's the $3.50 bragging rights!

BlondeMom said...

I love it. Heck yeah you can still wear cool jeans (although do mind the waddle flashing.)

Also, you are my kind of gal shopping at a thrift store!! I told one of my girlfriends that my jeans were from Goodwill once when she complimented me on them. She gave me this "ugh!" look and I laughed and said, "yeah maybe the person who wore them died and all their clothing was donated!" I'm sure I'm on her freak list now.

Dirty Birdie said...

LOL - I hope that should I ever attempt to approach a register with "mom jeans" that some good citizen will tackle my ass and slaps some sense into me.


As far as the flashing goes...hey girl according to Lindsay Lohan and Brittany Spears it's the in thing to do...

canape said...

As long as your tramp stamp doesn't show, you should be perfectly acceptable. It's a rule. Like white after Memorial Day.

Mamma said...

Geez sister, didn't you know that you're jeans are supposed to be low so your thong can show out the back.

Shoot, I do the sit down move in every dressing room just to make the jeans more comfortable as I'm standing there. It's part of the "out of the dryer" wearing as well. But then again, I haven't achieved MILF status yet.

Karly said...

Rooster Wattle? LMAO!

Roy said...

What's a "rooster wattle"?

Kristin said...

I paid $145.50 more for my Sevens...

I hate you.

And, actually, I hate the jeans because they stretch out too much durning the day and it is ass-crack city by about 4 o'clock.

Sorry, that is probably TMI.

QT said...

I also pegged you as a rhinestone thong wearer, so I figured it wouldn't be a problem....

The key to wearing low-rise jeans with a gut is to hike them up over your gut before you take a seat, thereby containing the waddles behind a wall of denim

urban-urchin said...

I hear you. It's fun to reshift the turkey waddle isn't it? Stuffing it back in the pants. Having said that one of my co-workers just pointed out this hipster boy who works with us and was bending over near us and not only did we see his vertical smile but it's really REALLY hairy. *shudder*.

Tabba said...

Oh.good.lord.woman. The laughing. The snorting while laughing. The visuals.
I don't know when it will end. Tonight, when I sit down to read "Mr. Brown Can Moo Can You?" with Connor tonight & it gets to the part about 'cock a doodle doo', you know what's gonna happen, right? I'm going to burst out in laughter....and think of this brilliantly funny post.
And do know I'm laughing with you. As I would never allow myself to be amused by someone's wattles;)

Waya said...

OMG! That was hilarious! I won't be looking at the rooster the same way EVAH again!! But I'm sure the hubbie will love those jeans!

Two Knives said...

I would be all for the hip jeans if I could find a top that would cover them. No one wants to see my middle all around. Or the roll. Or the crack. That's why here in Minnesota I wear 'em with a nice warm pair of tights, which ride a couple inches above the belly button. It's purr-ty.

Mama's Moon said...

Ha! I love this story - so classic! The total find and excitement over it, validation from a fellow mom, and then reality settles in to remind us that a little roll and sitting down requires us to wear the high rise versions for just a little while longer. *sigh* Story of my life.

Natalie said...

Low rise is one thing. Super low rise shouldn't happen. Seven jeans for 3.50 is insane though.

mamatulip said...

LOL -- I love that you asked the other mom in the store about the jeans. I totally would do that too.

Gingers Mom said...

I have had to give a teary good bye to all pants low rise. My jelly roll is too remarkable after 3 pregnancies. I loved the vertical smile. Hee hee. I am now left to wearing old lady pants that cover most of my abdomen so as not to scare passers by.

Paige said...

Oh good GAWD woman! Call 911, I'm laughing so hard I'm choking on hot coffee...

mama_miga said...

It's so hard for me to find a decent pair of jeans these days - they're all either armpit jeans or coochie huggers.

P.S. Thanks for the linkage!

Jhianna said...

I failed to do the sit down test with the last pair of black jeans I bought. Flash forward to me wearing those jeans while helping a male coworker with another (very proper) male coworker overlooking. I bent down to pick something up and whooops!

QueenieBadd said...

You are so tagged, dude. See here http://queenbadmama.blogspot.com/2007/01/more-than-you-wanted-to-know.html for details.

Oh, and that wattle? Bad juju mama. Bad juju.

Mrs. Chicken said...

Yes. Yes, please, always conduct the sit test.

Oy.

Lisa said...

I don't know what's worse -- knowing you've exposed your "vertical smile" to others or not knowing but figuring it out AFTER you feel a certain draft back there...

Love this story.

Nicole said...

I still say low rise is better than MOM jeans. Hands or shall I say Pants down!!!

KC said...

Dude. $3.50 for those jeans? I'd totally wear them anyway, cracks, smiles, rooster wattles, rolls, and all.

Genius buy, I say.

Kevin Charnas said...

NICE!!!

The Rooster should've put a quarter in your crack to see if you'd sing anything.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I believe the correct term for that is "coin slot". What is up with these low rise jeans?! I understand that we must revolt against the maw-mawness that is mom jeans, but do we really need to call attention to the spare tire to do it? Let's compromise:
We, as moms, promise to never wear jeans that have pleats of ANY kind in them and, in return, the jeans companies give us something that is more flattering to real women. It's a win-win situation!

Mrs. Chicky said...

Rooster Wattle?! Hahahaha!

I bet you'd get great service at your local Starbucks if you kept those jeans.

Em said...

LOL...I can't say that the lower than low placement would necessarily be considered a bad thing. Just my humble opinion. :)

Her Bad Mother said...

On my first post-partum 'mommy' outing - to a playgroup with WB when she was about 11 weeks old - I wore, without thinking, a pair of old Juicy jeans (selected because stretchy and because low-rise sat comfortably below my muffin belly). Imagine - imagine! - my horror when, while squatted on the floor with WB a toddler toddled up from behind me, stuck his hand down my butt crack and cried BUM! BUM!

Low-rise no more.

amyerj said...

Hey sunshine - I was in a thrift store in Fort Worth that had a sign out front: This is NOT a restroom. It took all my persuasion to convince the 14-year-old to try on the Hollister jeans after that. SHOP ON HOT MILFs!

Terri said...

Sounds like camel toes to me.

Ponygirl said...

Plumber's butt has gone mainstream for us women. I find men don't mind it and the lesbians in my circle think it's hot. I do, however, try to avoid it for the most part.

Gina - Liam's Mom said...

I don't generally laugh out loud when I am sitting alone at midnight reading blogs... but, lady, you did it! I am laughing too hard! Where do you come up with this stuff? I mean, I could "get" the questionable jeans purchase, but the results from the sit test? Just pure and clever wit, my darling. Pure and clever wit.

Jen3 @ Amazing Trips said...

Hot diggity, damn diggity! Are you going to keep these for when you're makin' bacon ... or return them to the thrift store?!

Karana said...

LOL! At least they only cost $3.50!

carrie said...

Just don't sit down in them. Seven jeans for $3.50 is too good a deal not to pass up!!

Running off to Thrift store.

Carrie

Roy said...

ummm, yeah... well, it's like this, see? i was being serious :o

wtf is a rooster wattle? what does that mean? the link shows me a rooster and his wattle... are you saying ass crack? your bunched up panties? throw me frickin' bone here!

mdt said...

Oh, you missed the infamous sit down test--VERY VERY important :)

ewe are here said...

Oh gawd, yes, I must always sit down before buying clothes!

nice rooster ;0

Merry Mama said...

The last post I wrote mentioned the very same topic...cept maybe not as funny.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

OH MY GOD!! You crack me up!!! The sit down test, ah yes. I have a hard time if I wear a belt with low rise sometimes...DIGS in to whatever is pooching out a bit.