Monday, January 29, 2007

Bringin' Out Our Mad Skillz

The children have been kicking our parental behind for way too long now and we have flown the ship loose and free without a game plan, but no more.

K and I decided it was time to bring our mad skillz to bear on this parenting situation.

It is time for the parents of The Mayor and Rooster Girl to reveal their true professional identities.

Meet Type A (for A-N-A-L) Project Director Mom and Analyst Dad.

We are both planners and project directors for a living and we have decided we can win this fight.

Though our real titles do have words like "Advisor" and "Analyst" in them, the honest truth is that we are professional document creators.

We are both going to be given lifetime achievement awards for the creation of documents.

Thirty years from now there will be a giant televised special with confetti celebrating the MOUNTAIN of official documents that we have created.

Oh, the documents!!


We create documents and we plan. We organize. We orchestrate.

For many years I helped direct an annual special event where I had to organize unique activities for 16,000 people spread across 200 different locations all in the space of six hours on a single day.

Clearly, I need to introduce my children to the professional side of their mother.

An executive level family meeting was held last night.

Calendars were out, there were bullet points and and graphs... and oh, did we create some DOCUMENTS.

K and I formally welcome the small, loud people of this house to the all new: Family Plan.

From now on, there will be scheduled activities.

There will be time slots.

There will be flip charts and markers.

There will be strategic plans.

There will be 1 on 1 activities, there will be 2 on 1 activities and there will be...

BABYSITTERS GALORE.

If, for some reason, junior members of the team do not wish to COMPLY with the family calendar, we will be forced to MAKE the junior staff members comply using drastic measures involving our secret weapon...

the dread... Schnauzer!

Schnauzer Gray M538
Ruff!

Junior staff members able to resist the Schnauzer will be subject to a great and terrible nostril cleaning.

nostril cleaner

Mommy and Daddy have a PLAN and we're going to be in CHARGE from this day forward.

MMMWWAAA HA HA HA!!!

48 comments:

Long Island Dad said...

Oh, the Plan! Armed with our color coded Outlook calendars we take on the world! Until the little people decide the plan doesn't suit them... and then a return to anarchy and chaos. Oh, how the mighty have fallen... Good Luck, Joys' may the FORCE be with you!

Heather said...

Go Planners GO!

Sayre said...

Mmmm hummmm. Let me know how that works for 'ya.

I've been a mommy for almost 8 years now and I STILL wonder what the f*(%^& I'm doing sometimes.

Maybe I missed the key ingredient - BABYSITTERS!

QT said...

Those Neti pot commercials, whoa!

I am sending you positive vibes so that your plans work, all hail the babysitters!

mamatulip said...

What the hell is that woman doing to herself in the last picture!?

WILLIAM said...

Charts and Calendar? Wow.

QueenieBadd said...

So you're going to be in CHARGE, are ya? Yeah, let me know how that works out for you.

Good job on the babysitters though.

Mrs. Chicken said...

Let me know how that goes over, eh?

Patience said...

Man makes plans. God laughs!

Waya said...

So did each kid get his/her own Franklin planners? That's too funny!!

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Oh, how I used to live by planning...Not anymore...enter the anklebiter...

Good luck.

Let me know when they rip your plans to shreds...and if they don't...can I come live with you?

Marcie said...

Oh yeah, because kids really respond to documents! Babysitters galore sounds awesome. And that Schnauzer looks ferocious.

carmachu said...

*snort*

Yeah yeah yeah, mom and dad have a plan. Too bad the kids will never fall for it.

Dont you know no plan survives contact with the enemy?

Jeff said...

Sadly, I too must join the voices of naysayers.

To quote John Lennon: "Life is what happens while you're making plans."

Karly said...

That last picture made me gag a little.

And, yes, babysitters rock! Grandparents or other forms of family are best though, cuz you don't have to pay them.

wendy boucher said...

Plan? Bwah, hah hah hah!!! Yep. Good luck with that. Snort, giggle, giggle.

Mamma said...

Not that I don't want to be supportive of your "plan"...but yeah, good luck with that. Make sure you keep us updated on your progress, won't ya?

Flip charts and markers? My favorite training tools. Make sure you use the smelly Mr. Sketch ones. They don't bleed through the paper and you'll smell so fruity when you're done.

Tabba said...

WOOOOHOOOOO! We're celebrating & applauding you. You'll thank yourselves for it.

Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

Wow, can I hire you for parental planning documents and services?

Lisa

Sandra Miller said...

I think the "babysitters galore" part of the Plan sounds promising...

Cece said...

If I did charts and calendars with markers and such I just KNOW the minute I turned my back the kids would have drawn animal's and Princesses on it.

Lotta said...

Excellent! Be sure to write in some nookie time on your flow chart!

Lotta said...

Excellent! Be sure to write in some nookie time on your flow chart!

Attila The Mom said...

OMG. Tell me that isn't a picture of you and your schnozz!

Dirty Birdie said...

My uncle employed an effective strategy of assigning "Poop" days in which naughty children were forced to scoop the poop of their large Great Dane (Stanley), and he being a lawyer, if they felt their sentance was too harsh, they could file an appeal but they had to make a valid argument.

wordgirl said...

Gold stars for both of you! Oh..the stars!

Pgoodness said...

LOL. I love it. I,too, am ready to bring in some planning and documents - flow charts, markers, lists galore! I hope it works - I know you'll keep us posted!
I think we'll start small - a toothbrushing / chore chart and a potty chart for one and...well, something else for the little one! :)

BlondeMom said...

Somehow I've got to figure out a way to make our two dogs babysit and discipline our kids. Oh, and mix drinks. SHEER GENIUS!!!!! ;)

Some day when that documentary is televised I will fondly recall the Mad Photoshop Days of Project Director Mom.

p.s. and to totally change the subject, your job sounds cool

Kristen said...

I don't know what is scarier- the nostril cleaner itself or the lady in the picture actually using the thing!?

Gingers Mom said...

Aw sweetie. Good luck with that. Bwahaahahah! What the hell...that's all I can think of when looking at the nostril cleaning...

carrie said...

Can I be a parent like you when I grow up??

Good idea, good plan, go planners go!

Carrie

Em said...

Best laid plans, my dear. LOL The little people do not play by big people rules!

Alpha Dogma said...

Plan all you want, but it will come to nought without a mission statement. Yes, yes the mission statement. Any organization worth its salt has a mission statement. Our goes like this, "before we retire let's turf these kids out of the house and hope to hell they're reasonably productive members of society who've not impregnated someone in high school and/or starred in a reality tv show." We're aiming kinda low, huh?

And do NOT mock the powers of a good nasal douche! A nasal douche feels sooooooo good when you've got a sinus infection, babe.

jen said...

Oh, the Plan is right.

Humor me and take pictures of the kids reading the said plan. Yeah, before they color and rip it to shreds. Oh wait. I mean, after they've thoroughly read and adopted it.

In fact, if it works, I am hiring you to come here and do the same thing.

Dirty Birdie said...

All I want to know is where diareah on the lap falls into this plan of yours....oh the diareah.


{snickers and runs away}

Mama G said...

I envy your enthusiasm - and based on the other comments I've read here - it sounds as if you might be able to get rich off this plan if it actually works!

Infomercials ... DVDs ... on-site training sessions. Endless possibilities! ;-)

mad muthas said...

i was fine with all that until you got to the nostril cleansing. what in the name of arse is that all about?
x

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I am terribly impressed! You must keep us abreast of the implementation of said family plan. If, indeed, it does work....I will need copies of ALL documents forwarded to the house of Mayhem IMMEDIATELY! Please include the addendum: "How to discipline the three year old who has just spit at you without decapitation" Thanks!

PS: The nose cleaner.....GROSS!

MamaLee said...

Hm. Let me know it all goes down. If it works, let us know!

And buy some chocolate. you are gonna need it.

angela said...

i am laughing so hard at your netti pot...
oh, we'll baby sit for you if you babysit for us.
we've yet to leave ours with a sitter.
last night, for example, i felt like a horrible parent b/c we went out to meet friends w/ toddler and i had a beer (gasp!) it was after 7 (gasp!)
i'm going to hell.
i say put the dog to work. it's no fair that he/she gets to lay around all day.

Kevin Charnas said...

YYYEEEAAAHHHH!!! GIVE 'EM THE NETTY POT! yyeeaahhhh!

Little Monkies said...

You know, if this is successful you can write a pop psychology book about how you did it and make MILLIONS and have someone else sort those documents for you. Whooo hooo!

I'd buy your book.

Karana said...

Can I have a copy of the Plan? :)

urban-urchin said...

I'd like to know where I may find the information needed to create parental documents please. Please??!

Because seriously if this works, I'm gonna be all over that flip chart thingee.

Girl In Her Underwear said...

You are SO impressive! I would think someone was trying to give me a panic attack if they gave me an assignment to plan activities for thousands of people in hundreds of locations. I have chest pains just getting the house cleaned up for family to come over and eat birthday cake. You are such a wonder woman!!!!!!

I need to follow your plan because Ironman and I have been completely defeated as of late and have no more energy or desire to go on. A babysitter definitely needs to come into the picture!!!

Seriously, we're getting our butts kicked by toddlers over here multiple times per day. They're winning and it must stop. Please pass on any advice or documents that you can. And now that I understand a little more about what you do, I'll be looking at my documents with more respect and be thinking, "I wonder if J wrote this?"

Can I be invited to the party with the confetti in 30 years?

Becky said...

ROTFL! I don't know how many times I've tried to form a PLAN and tried to force my small ankle-biters to "adhere" to the PLAN! May you have better luck enforcing your PLAN!!

Jen said...

ummm yeah - let me know how that works out for you - I keep telling my kids they live under a Dictatorship rule not a democracy...however they still seem to run the show

Mignon said...

That blue bottle she's squirting into her nose looks a lot like the portable pisser that I gave to my father-in-law for our first Christmas together.

Did you use highliters? I like highliters and sticky tabs when I'm goin anal.