Friday, December 01, 2006

Where I Can't Shut Up About My Boobs

I just want to carry on talking about my boobs on the internet.

Intellectually, that seems unusual to me.

The next thing you know I'm going to be one of those girls who happily bares all at Mardi Gras when some awesome dudes yell, "Show us yer..."


However, practical wisdom reassures me that given the absolute state The Girls are in these days, they aren't coming out in public.

Still, if I can't rant about my own boobs here, then where?

I need to start by saying that I am a poor excuse for a woman in the Secrets of Beauty Department.

Clearly, though my best friend required me to subscribe, I did not pay careful enough attention to my Seventeen Magazines because at 39 I still am mostly clueless about creams, powders, and procedures related to womanly beauty and body maintenance.

It was only in the last year that my friend said, "Come Cro-Magnon Woman. Let me introduce that long-haired caterpillar, uni-brow look you are cultivating to the ancient secrets of having your eyebrows plucked."

She took me to a salon where a nice woman from India ripped hair from my face and brought real tears to my eyes using only a piece of thread held between her teeth and fingers.

Intoxicated by the experience, I now show up every three or four months waving my $7 in the air (waving it like I just don't care) begging for someone to perform this threading procedure on me.

"Too much growth!" they scold me every time. Apparently I am supposed to give them my seven dollars every three weeks.

Who is supposed to teach me these things?

So yesterday, I got my eyebrows threaded and since I had waited so long, when it was done I had GIANT, ANGRY red patches all around the eyebrow region.

A big, red Panda.

I looked like a mental patient that had just ripped medical tape and important brain monitoring electrodes off her face.

It was at that precise moment that I decided I should go buy a new bra.

Genius.

Before having children, my bra size was... (am I really posting this on the internet? I need some serious counseling) a 32 F.

Let's re-cap.

32-F!!!!

Who on the planet Earth ever heard of such a RIDICULOUS size?! No one.

I have always had to shop at a stupidly overpriced, specialty bra shop for those, like me, with alien, mutant boobs.

(Mine also shoot rockets.)

Since nursing two babies and losing some weight, what I have now can only be described as two large bags with not enough groceries.

So while my old bra fit around my torso, I basically had something equivalent to Gilligan and The Skipper sleeping in two Island hammocks in the cups... one being a bit bigger and all.

I decided it was time to get, you know, some FREAKING SUPPORT.

So I drove to the mall (shudder) and went into Macy's.

I strode up to the lingerie counter and told the sales woman that I needed help, that I had no idea what size bra I needed or which kind to buy.

She told me to "look over there" and when I turned in that direction she fell over laughing.

Literally.

She did not try to hide the fact that she was laughing AT me.

Normally I might've been incensed, but examining the situation I realized that she was presented with a 39 year old, saggy boob woman with a flaming, former uni-brow who has just stated with great conviction that she is at a loss for how to buy a bra, presumably an activity she would have mastered around puberty.

Embarrassed, but not giving up, I turned back to her and said, "You can laugh in my face if you're going to laugh, but get up off of your stool and DO SOMETHING TO HELP ME!" (Snap!)

She tried to regain her composure and trundled me into the dressing room where she decided I was now a 32 C.

Guess what?

That size doesn't exist in mainstream America either. 32's come in A cups only.

We're talking Lisa Loopner's mosquito bites at best.

She tried to tell me that a 34 B would also work, but apparently Oprah Winfrey is debunking this myth on her show. The gurus of bra-fitting now say that the size around your torso is the critical component in the new, post-modern bra world.

This means that I STILL have to make the long, long drive to the specialty bra store and fork over $60-$120 per bra.

Joy.

Poor Rooster Girl and Mayor, what with no college savings and all...

The specialty bra excursion does come with a free feel-up from an overly aggressive lady who was born and raised in Brooklyn.

So I've got that to look forward to, which is nice.


Yesterday I was in one of those moods where I just wanted to solve the problem and I couldn't get all the way to Mutant Bras-R-Us.

I wandered into Ross where the most cheaply made clothes in the world come to die.


I tried on a zillion bras and found one that would at least bid adieu to the Gilligan and Skipper look for the time being.

The bra I purchased was $4, so you can IMAGINE the sheer quality and workmanship on this thing.

Also, it is the shiniest, brightest blue ever.

It reminds me of the shiny, shade of blue you might find on Hallmark Hanukah decorations.

I think I'd better get my two mis-matched Children of Israel and their ill-fitting yarmulke's up to the fancy store soon... or learn some dreydel songs.


37 comments:

S. said...

I've so been there! Pre-baby I was a 32 DD. Now, I'm now a 34 DD and really want to loose some more of the baby weight before I go buying more bras. Like you, the prices range from $50-$75 a piece.

As for the clerk, way to tell her! I would've just given her the evil eye until she got really uncomfortable and got off her ass.

Plain Jane Mom said...

It sounds beautiful! I hate buying bras and I usually end up wandering around in a daze until I either pass out or find something remotely my size. Some day I'll find the perfect bra and buy 25 of them. Ha!

However, the state my boobs are in these days I'd be better off with a sturdy belt.

Mamma said...

Two comments:

Find someone to wax your eyebrows instead. My best friend refers to threading as Chinese eyebrow torture (she's also the same one who talked me into trying a brazillian so I don't know if we want to follow her advice). But I think the waxing is faster.

Do you have a Nordstrom's near you? If so, run don't walk to their lingerie department. They do the best bra fittings and they have a wide selection--pricey but pretty and supportive. Pre-babies/nursing I was a 36 B, now? 38DD. Though I'd take those smaller girls any day. They were the cheerleaders, rather than the soccer moms I have now. So sad.

Mignon said...

If you've got Gilligan and Skipper, I've got Snoopy and Woodstock. I'm something like a 38A, after kids. Mutants unite! (I get Wolverine of course.)

And quit making us think you're all nasty unibrowed saggy boob chick, when that hott picture in your profile is chastising me for not bathing today.

The Medium Swede said...

Difficult for me to weigh in on this one ladies, but I will try.

You really should not worry about what you are worrying about.

As my dearly departed father used to say (in a voice a bit to loud for comfort), "son, it is all good, some's just a bit better!"

Not sure if that helps, hurts or scares you, but rest assured, guys have a strange phenomena in another region once we get a bit older. Let's just say we need a bit of a lift under a certain 2 things lest we don't rack ourselves with our ankles.

Just for the record, I am not there yet, but I have been in the locker room of the local YMCA on "Free Senior's Swim" day enough to know of the curse.

Blog Antagonist said...

I once went on a bra finding mission too. I got so overwhelmed that I fled the mall and wound up at Wal-Mart where I bought four for the price of one in that chi-chi store in the mall. They seem to do the job, so I'm happy for now.

We should hook up, seriously. I am a huge girlie girl. I can help you with the creams and stuff, and maybe you can help me with the abject fear I am experiencing at the thought of possibly re-entering the work force after 12 years.

BTW, I finished Crossing to Safety and Angle of Repose. We need to find a Starbuck halfway between us and settle in for come Cawfee tawk.

jen said...

my boobs depress me. i hate all my bras.

i need a shiny new blue one to cheer everyone up.

Mommy off the Record said...

32F? Dude.

I'm like totally at the other end of the spectrum around a 34A/B.

But onto your other topic - tell me more about the eyebrow threading. Do you recommend it over waxing? I've always waxed and it leaves me red and sunburny looking so I'm considering trying the threading route.

Mommy off the Record said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tabba said...

must.come.up.for.air.
must.breathe.

The visuals I had going on inside my head were just too much to handle. Too, Too FUN-NAY!

carmachu said...

Here, have a box of chocolate. Looks like you could use it after that excursion....

liv said...

Oh, the stories my boobs might tell. About how one girl was a B cup while the other was a DD in high school, how for a while they were even post-op, then the former B decided to be a late bloomer and forge ahead of the new B, then how breastfeeding 1 time really made them go wonky, and now they are sort of just tired 6 months into lactation retirement.

I did manage to wander into Bloomies and snag a couple of Chantelle bras a.k.a. miracle workers. They manage to rope the girls in and push them up just a shade. Does it really matter? My 4 year old still calls them 'nurses'

Girl In Her Underwear said...

You ALWAYS make me laugh, but this was almost TOO much! This is my favorite post EVER!!! I can so relate to the red patches from de-hairing yourself because I did the eyebrow and lip wax thing recently and had to go into public with red puffy skin. I would have rather had hair there. I ended up having to walk around with one hand over my eyes like I was trying to block the sun on a day that it was actually raining...and one hand over my mouth like I had something serious to ponder. It was ridiculous!
And THANK YOU for saying that thing about 32 Cs. I thought I just always shopped for bras after a mad rush of women with C-cups had run through. I never find 32 Cs or Ds--which according to Oprah is my real size...and since you're so honest about your boobs I'm going to shout to the world that I only have such a ridiculoo size because I'm a total fraud. Yes, I'm implanted or else I'd have posts about drooping A cups. Not all of us were born with big chahongas. Lucky Rooster Girl. My girls don't stand a chance unless they take after the jugs on my husband's side of the fam. Thanks so much for letting me talk about my boobs to the world. I've never done this before. You rock!

urban-urchin said...

Pre first baby I was a 34 D. Then I was a 34A/B and now I am back up to a C from the nursing I just stopped.

I hate bra fittings. Once in High School mom took me to Selfridges to be fitted for a bra- it was right before Valentines Day so there were a TON of men in the lingere dept. There is my mother loudly asking me if I went 'bouncy bouncy' when I tried on the bras. The man near her stopped and looked at me like "well did you?'" That still ranks high as one of the most embarrassing moments ever.

Lisa said...

This is my favorite post of yours thus far! My size and girls changed alot too. And now, if I don't wear a bra you can see I have something in common with Paris Hilton -- she has a "wonky eye". I have a "wonky boob."

And my girls are too far apart so I'm always adjusting my bras. Once years ago, a client saw me do this and thought I was "dancing."

Nice to know others have mutant boobs too.

mama_tulip said...

I was just barely filling a B cup before I had kids. And now? I'm a D, I think. I am still monopolizing sports bras in an attempt to avoid getting fitted for a bra from an overly aggressive lady who was born and raised in Brooklyn.

I've never had my eyebrows threaded...I get them waxed regularly, as I have a bit of a perfect eyebrow obsession, but after reading about threading I think I'll stick to waxing. ;)

Marcie said...

32C?! 32C?! That sounds so incredible. Tiny body and big boobs! This is coming from a girl who is 34A. I watched that damn Oprah show and it got my hopes all up. Everyone on there was wearing a bra size that was too small. Could it really be? Was I really a B cup? Fuck no. I got measured and I was still an A. That sucks.
Anyway. You get your eyebrows done for 7 bucks! I pay 20 for that torture ritual. Lucky you.

Heather said...

My sister is the same size and can never find bras. Victoria's Secret makes her size in about three styles so every time one of those styles goes on sale (only online, not in the catalogs usually) she buys like ten.

I'm a 36DD, so I don't actually have a hard time finding ones to fit. What I have a hard time with is finding ones that last longer than three weeks or so. Apparently these things are HEAVY, so they always break.

Heather said...

I can completely feel your pain about bras. I wear a 36DD, and let me just say, when you get to a DD the bras are NOT ATTRACTIVE! While I realize I need a lot of support, I REFUSE to wear a bra that my grandmother would think is too maw-maw! Big girls need love too! ( Big boobed girls, that is!)
My children have also fallen victim to the loss of inheritance due to bra purchase syndrome!

Shannon said...

I refuse to give sizes as it will just depress me, lets just stop with I used to be an A (barely) and am now a D, and I have thus far refused to go bra shopping as I am convinced that I will lose weight and not have to pay big bucks for a bra, or two tents, whatever, in my current size. As my nursing bras were absolutely revolting they were in such bad shape (I mean, I thought to myself before leaving the house, "I hope I don't get in an accident, this would be embarrassing), and Conner was slowing down on the nursing enough that I could get away with out snaps, guess where I got my new staple "good" bra from? I'll give you couple of hints, the store name starts with an R and it's a really shiny black number.

Jen3 @ Amazing Triplets said...

Oh boy - I know your pain. Pre-pregnancy I was a 36B. When I was nursing our triplets - I swelled to a gorgeous 38C and then 40D. But they couldn't be touched without milk streaming across the room.

Post nursing, I shrunk to the point that a bra is no longer necessary. I'm definitely not a B cup anymore. Oddly enough, my once glorious boobs have migrated to my arse. These days, I wear a comfortable sports top.

Please do post a picture. I'd love to see your festive Hanukah brassiere.

squire said...

OK, this post did it.......I had to link you to my blog just in case everyone is not already reading you. Gal, you are so funny.

BlondeMom said...

You are too funny.

My girls are retired, deflated, and lately the only bra I like is a no-nonsense sports bra. What's next? Waist high granny panties? A girdle?


I wrote a post earlier this year called Up, Up and Away in my Beautiful Brassiere. It's amazing how an undergarment can lift your spirits and boobs. Yee haw!

Momish said...

Excuse me while I pick myself up off the floor! Although I feel your pain, I cannot stop laughing at the images you have just put in my head!

"what I have now can only be described as two large bags with not enough groceries"

CLASSIC!!!! And yes, I also experienced the shrinkage after the baby. I too had to break down, go to the store and demand assistance from a salesperson. I couldn't manage on my own either after all these years! The lady there also gave me an odd look of disbelief. I just wanted to ask if she ever had ever given birth. If not, then shut the hell up and get me a bra that fits my new package, thank you very much!

Great post, the best!

mad muthas said...

oh dear! i'm laughing so much i can hardly type. how - HOW can your boobs be shorter now than they were before? that just doesn't make sense. gravity! haven't they realised they should be migrating south? anyway, i'm very much hoping we're soon to be treated to a photo of you in your lovely new $4 bra ...

Kevin Charnas said...

Do I have to go to Macy's and fit that asshole with cement shoes then take her swimming??? Laughing at my Jessica, will she? SHE'S DEAD I SAY!!!

I wrote a story on my blog sometime ago about buying underwear at Ross...wasn't pretty. I don't wear them anymore. I don't like singing soprano and rather enjoy having blood circulate to my legs and feet.

All of that being said, Jessica - you come from a line of strikingly beautiful women (and I mean that in every sense of the word). You've shown me pics, so I know...and you are and shall be no different.

Slackermommy said...

32F? Damn girl! I love this post since boobs are heavily on my mind these days.

Penny said...

LOL!!! I love boob posts!

The eyebrow removal you speak of costs 45 dollars where I'm from. I use NAIR - btw.. DON'T DO THIS. It's bloody dangerous and it will leave your lids looking like pink helium balloons.

The bra that fits me now.. 200$. Maybe I should move to the US.

Oh yeah.. but, then there's that health care thing..

lol! Love this post!

Mosquito bites and torpedos.. yup..

You ever buy those mesh bags of grapes? You ever eat the grapes, little by little until one day, you clean out the refridgerator and in the back, there's a worn out mesh bag containing a whole bunch of stems and one shrivelled grape? That's my boobs.

Starrlight said...

Man I am exhausted just reading that!

gingajoy said...

Ha! Let me first day, you need some sort of reward. Yours was officially the first blog post that my husband recited to me ad nauseum all excited and giggling (and yes, it was this post, which he found very funny. don;t worry. he's not a perve). perhaps he is losing his "bloggers are nutjobs" cynicism;-)

great post, and close to my heart as my pam anderson milk-inflated breasts are like strange new alien lifeforms to me right now. I so rarelyt have known what it's like to sport a full rack. They are mesmerizing (if leaky). I think you might have inspired my next post.

deb said...

My youngest girl is fourteen and handicapped and has the hugest breasts, by my standards anyway. I'm a 36A and she's 32D. I'm at a loss, I have no idea how to buy bras for such large breasts and to make matters worse, most of the bras for young women are push ups. She doesn't need that kind of help. I on the other hand do, but mine are too small to be helped. There's not enough to push up. On the up side, I won't have to tuck them into my waistband when I'm eighty.

Manic Mom said...

Do you live in Chicago? My girlfriend went to the Oprah-recommended place to get her boobs sized.

Janean said...

YES! ANother (or two or three) who feel my pain! I've tried several stores around here and NO one makes 36E. I can cram the old girls into DDD's if I HAVE to, but rolling them up is slightly uncomfortable. After losing 200 lbs, the two inch Bird-of-Paradise tattoo on my chest now runs about 5 1/2 inches long.
YEP, they used to be I's. Yes that is I as in E,F,G,H...I) and if you think the small bras are expensive...HOooMama! Try a 50I!
Sometimes EBay has good deals. If you trust them.
Found you from Mommy Off THe Records ROFL awards. TOo very Funny! :D

scribbit said...

Garbage bags without enough groceries?? That metaphor is beautiful, just beautiful. It doesn't get more poetic than that--unless maybe it's Gilligan and the Skipper.

You cracked me up with this one, after reading some of your other posts it's fun to see you can also be terribly funny.

And seriously--a 32 F? I thought that was only for Barbie. You must have had trouble finding bras, but not dates.

Anonymous said...

Well, I feel your pain sista.... I had been measured incorrectly for years and i was told at one point I was a 38 DD, which was completely incorrect, i am infact a 32G! if i lose weight i look like a barbi doll!!

The Expatriate Chef said...

See, true pain is not having a cup to lose and losing it anyway post childbirth. The smirk of disdain at Victoria's Secret when they tell you, oh, that doesn't come in an A. A. I spent 20-plus years trying to graduate to a B. My college roommate who was a D, is now an E post childbirth. I tell ya, it just ain't fair.

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