Monday, December 18, 2006

How to Ruin Your Husband's Birthday

First, because you are sick near death with The Plague, forget to give your husband his presents in the morning.

Though you have asked him to take the morning off for "Birthday Morning Delight," roll your eyes at him and say, "You can just forget about THAT, Mister." (Then blow your nose heartily.)

Scoff at the "Surprise!" fancy underwear you purchased for the occasion.

Reluctantly agree to bring the children to m
eet him at his office bowling party that afternoon.

Violate all that you know is right and good in the world by entering a bowling alley.


Spend 45 minutes in the car trying to get home from the bowling alley at rush hour with un-fed toddlers.

When you finally arrive home, remember that you have forgotten to plan, shop for
or otherwise prepare anything resembling an actual birthday dinner.

Recognize the near melt-down status of the children and r
ush to prepare a standard meal.

While your husband attempts to bathe the nearly over-the-edge offspring, slice the tip of your thumb almost entirely off.

Yell things like, "G*D D*MN!!" and "M*THER F*CKER!!!"

(It wouldn't be a special day at House of Joy without a stab wound.)


Visit the husband in the bathroom so he can dress the wound while the children use the distraction to put soap in each other's eyes.

Notice that the "here's soap in your eye" experiment is not going well.


Decide not to care.

Return to the kitchen with a giant,
bandaged and throbbing thumb.

Watch the bandage become increasingly
blood-soaked.

Abandon cooking plan.

Take chili left-overs out of the freezer and throw the entire mass, Ziplock bag and all, into a pan.


Decide that adding froz
en peas to the chili will cover the required green vegetable needs of the family.

While pulling the peas from the freezer and turning towards the stove, fail to realize that the bag has a hole in it.

Listen to the pitter patter of frozen peas spewing across the kitchen floor and into the next room.


Swear like a two dollar hoo-er.
(Again.)

Sweep the entirety of the two rooms without using a thumb.


Listen to the baby girl screaming.


Remove (most of) the Ziplock bag from the chili pan.


Cross fingers that eating Ziplock bags won't kill your loved ones.


Abandon chili to help with the screaming baby girl.

Return bewildered, back to the kitchen.

Cut up random items for the children's dinner (that you know they won't eat.)

Try, once again, to find The Zen Way, the path to happily throwing food away, little by little, night after night, in tiny, cut-up pieces.

Find no Zen.


Make note to self to try the Zen thing again tomorrow.

Manage to somehow put food into the children's bodies and eat Ziplock enhanced chili.

Let the baby sitter in.

Change into clothes that are not covered in food
half chewed by children.

Meet other adults for drinks.


Lose your voice as your cold worsens.

Arrive home at the raging party queen hour of 10:30 p.m.

Give your husband the wrapped gifts.

Show him the underwear and return it to the drawer.

Pass out and stay that way for the next 36 hours so that your husband has to parent on his own for his entire birthday weekend.


28 comments:

Pendullum said...

ohhhh...
If it was just like any other birthday there would not be a story!!!! or a story that you could write about for your bloggerpals...

Happy Happy Birthday Mr,Oh the Joys...
You over the year, have brough us much happiness and delight through out the year...from you parenting style to well, the 'other stuff'...

Hope that the year is filled with many, many Oh the Joy moments!!!! and many many more!!!!

Bob said...

if anyone ever gives this recipe to my wife I will hunt them down and reciprocate.

Sorry about the crud, we are all trying it out here and I wish i had a gift receipt. All I can hope is that the Mr. got his belated birthday morning delight complete with fancy underwear. at least twice to make up for things.

thanks for reminder - I had forgot about exploding dog.

ewe are here said...

I'm sorry. This truly sounds like the.day.from.hell for you, but I'm laughing my *ss off right now. Probably because I've had days like this. And will probably have many more.

Seriously. Hope you feel better soon. And perhaps you and your husband can have a belated birthday night out together sometime over the holidays.

Cheers!

Christina_the_wench said...

Seriously. Call a frickin restaurant and make reservations next year. *laughing my ass off*

S. said...

So sorry your weekend was rough. Hopefully the plaque will leave quickly.
Feel better.

MotherPie said...

What would good birthdays be without the bad ones for comparison???

squire said...

Life does get in the way of living. No need to "waste" the fancy undies on a day like you had.

Plain Jane said...

"Show him the underwear and return it to the drawer."

Oh yeah, now that's a good time ;) Hope you feel better!

The Medium Swede said...

Love the word "hoo'er." In fact love it so much, I use it all the time with a really bad "new yawk" accent.

KC said...

Nothing bleeds like fingers.

Laughing with you. Not at you.

Her Bad Mother said...

Happy Birthday, Mr. OTJ.

(And - "Decide Not To Care" is my new mantra.)

liv said...

what a sucker of a day. personally, I think it was the bowling alley decision that took you off the path to all things zen. see, that just confirmed your suspicion that one should never frequent a bowling alley. much like one shouldn't frequent a krystal establishment.

hope you're feeling better. surprise panties can be worn anytime---like, "surprise!! you're not getting any!" or "surprise! i'm going to cabo for the weekend by myself!"

jen said...

oh....wow. hilarious. (i mean, tragic, horrible, awful!)

K is a saint. and a good sport.

and you get many bonus points for all of the planning you tried to execute.

BethGo said...

It was my husband's birthday this weekend too. We had a similar night which included him grocery shopping with the two kids for his own birthday dinner. *I suck.*
Hope your finger feels better.

Anonymous said...

Tell Kevin he deserves much much better. Sorry the universe conspired against him. Have a Re-do birthday on Jan. 15th for him. (If you are all well) Love, Mom

mad muthas said...

oh the joys by name, and oh the joys by nature. console yourself (and your old man) with the thought that things HAVE to get better! happy birthday, kevin!
x

wendy boucher said...

THANK GOD! I soooooo thought that the fingertip was going to end up in the chili. I was on the EDGE of my seat.

Now that I can relax, I'll wish you a speedy recovery.

Mamma said...

Love the zen approach to throwing away cut up food. I'll have to try it.

Battled strep this week myself. Thank god for our wonderful husbands!!! Had 20 people at my house for a cookie exchange yesterday and didn't get out of bed until Saturday. Gotta love the guys who jump in. Was just thinking how to "reward" him this morning--but I'm sure I don't feel that well quite yet. ;)

Tabba said...

I am really & truly sorry that your quagmire is my entertainment. Just another day in the life, right? I sat here wondering how it was all going to end. Thank God everyone is still in tact. You're just too funny, lady. Too funny.

Starrlight said...

Oh my god, I feel awful for laughing given what you went through!

Karen Forest said...

Major points for good intentions..... I just recently bought my husband his birthday present and his birthday was in July.

You deserve a "great wife award". I don't see myself being nominated anytime soon.

Heather said...

Proof positive that truth is, indeed, stranger than fiction. It sounds like your house runs about as smoothly as we do over here at the Mayhem. The only way to top that birthday is to take both children on a trip to DisneyWorld to celebrate you and your husband's tenth anniversary! The romance abounded about as much as it did for you on your husband's birthday! Hope you are feeling better!

Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

At least you still have your sense of humor. I have had the frozen peas with the whole in the bag incident too! I'm sure he understands that you are sick.

Feel better and Happy Birthday Father Joy!

Lisa

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Very entertaining post. Much better than the birthday, I'm afraid. But there's always a make-up day when you're feeling better, which I hope is soon.

The sexy lingerie briefly viewed and returned to the drawer is brilliant psychology as men have overactive imaginations. I have no doubt it will be worth the wait for everyone involved.

Waya said...

Well, at least it'll be a memorable birthday he'll never forget! Happy b-day K!

Hope you'll feel better, with the thumb too. Here's to finding your Zen!

NtycnBoricua said...

My husband's birthday was yesterday too! lol I didn't do much for him either, not even a dinner. I did buy him a pastry - aren't I a caring wife? :D

http://ntycnboricua.blogspot.com

Jenny said...

"Decide not to care."

That line there? Is why I adore you.

deb said...

It's so nice to know that other women have days from hell like I do and swear like I do. I'm going to bed soon and hope I won't be cleaning up any vomit tonight, fingers crossed.