Sunday, December 31, 2006

Fry Bacon Naked

K's New Year's resolution in 2006 was to fry bacon naked.

This lofty goal was inspired by our friend John who loves bacon so much that he spent many an hour trying to convince his wife that Bacon should be the name of their first born daughter.

When "Bacon" didn't fly John, whose
last name rhymes with "machet," advocated for the name "Paper." (Luckily, his wife is a therapist!)

John's New Year's resolutions for 2006 were to:

1.) Eat more cheese;
2.) Get fatter; and
3.) Touch the breasts of men. (Don't ask.)

[Quite complimentary choices, really.]

But I digress...

Last year at Christmas time, Grandma New York gave us the gift of a splatter guard.

splatter guard


While that may sound mundane, you should know that it is the MOTHER of all splatter guards and since we are old and boring as hell culinary geniuses we were PSYCHED.

When John saw the sparkling splatteriffic he said, "HOT DANG! That is an AWESOME splatter guard. Now you can fry bacon naked."

Moved by the spirit of John's own resolutions, K vowed that in 2006 he would, indeed, fry bacon naked.

And yet...

As of this morning, here on this day the 31st of December, K had NOT fried one piece of bacon while naked.

However...

Just a few moments ago, to celebrate the fact that we have two children napping, K and I played a game of "Poke the Grumpy, Middle-Aged Beyotch in the Yippee Yahoo Region."


[She is a lot less grumpy now, by the way!]

In the afterglow K sighed and said, "Well, I guess it's now or never" and he padded off to the kitchen.

He is in there now, wearing nothing at all, frying bacon and making coffee.

We're going have one hell of an afternoon snack!

Happy Splatter-Free New Year!

57 comments:

Marcie said...

Those are my great resolutions. I think I'll change mine from exercise more to eat more chocolate.
I hope that splatter guard works well. Hot bacon grease on the nether regions could put a damper on the festivities.

Marcie said...

Make that "Those are great resolutions".
Proofread before hitting publish button should be another resolution for me.
Happy New Year!

Mamma said...

Just when I think you can't outdo yourself you post a story like this. That must be the House O' Joy indeed!!

Have a wonderful New Year!!

Sayre said...

Lordy - I hope he's wearing an apron! Spatter-guards are wonderful, but eventually you have to pick the things up to flip the bacon...

jen said...

i want to come over and eat breakfast with you guys. i really do.

but i am a bit worried about how stray grease..it's hot, that stray grease.

wendy boucher said...

Wow. He can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never, never let you forget that he's got man parts.

Grim Reality Girl said...

MMMMMmmmmmmm! Bacon!!!!

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Well what a wonderful way to end 2006. I can see where your 2007 is headed....wheee!

Happy New Year!

PunditMom said...

You crazy kids you! A napping child is my wish for the new year, but at age 7, that ship has sailed (as has the Yippee Yahoo in the middle of the day) . :(

Panda said...

LALALALALALANOTLISTENING

Mignon said...

I was cringing at the thought of the kiddies waking up to find Mommy being poked in the Yippee Yahoo Region, but that particular nightmare has now been replaced by finding Daddy frying pork in the nude. My resolution is to erase that particular mental image.

urban-urchin said...

so if this becomes a regular thing you might want to invest in a silcone sock for the 'ungrumpifier'..... it could be clear as to not ruin the illusion of full nudity, cause shield or not a grease burn on the wing-twingy can't be good.

Happy New Year!

Mrs. Chicken said...

You people get up to that game often ... I may have to try some of that there bacon.

Happy 2007!

y said...

Splatter guard! Awesome. That will ensure that no weenies will be burned during the cooking of the bacon!

S. said...

That made me laugh. Thanks! I so needed it after today.

BlondeMom said...

Pictures...we want pictures! ;)

And I really want to know how you got both your children to nap at the same time. That is worth it's weight in gold...or bacon grease.

p.s. my word verification is hotlo

HA! Happy New Year!

Mad Hatter said...

Wow. You actually got some, um, er poking? In the yippee yahoo? Golly gee. Dr. Sears didn't prepare me for this.

And where in sam hell did you find a Moms' group that is so hip and comfortable that they'll talk lube jobs?

As for the bacon, once again this vegetarian strikes out. No chicken. No bacon. But oh, oh, oh the stuffed Tofurkey.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

K is the MAN! Up for frying bacon naked after a good poking! You are a lucky, lucky woman! At least he is a man who is not afraid to go after what he wants!

BTW-- I simply can NOT believe you are neighbors with Paige! We are planning a visit in the spring or summer! I see LOTS of misbehaving in our future!!!!
OH- and I will pack an extra spanking spoon when I come! You can use it on K, the next time he gets the urge to fry in the buff!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! YOU ROCK!

KC said...

The man is true to his word. You gotta love that.

So festive, your ringing in the New Year with poking and frying!

I love it!

elementaryhistoryteacher said...

Absolutely hilarious story as my hubby has tried frying bacon shirtless and vowed never to do that again!

I wanted to invite you to submit a post to the very first Carnival for Georgia Bloggers over at Georgia On My Mind.

Simply click through my profile to the site for more information. I'd love to have you participate as well as any other Georgia bloggers.

The first submission deadline is January 4.

Happy New Year!

Mona said...

Frying bacon naked? The man has no fear! I want to know if he survived unscathed and if the bacon tasted any better because of the cook's sans-clothes method.

Long Island Dad said...

K's a better man than I. I would never try something like that with out, at least, a pair of goggles. Happy New Year to you and yours -- Funny, Funny Lady.

Long Island Dad said...

As Emeril says, "Pork Fat Rules!" Although, I think, frying bacon without protection is nothing to poke fun at...

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Well, I can't have you and Paige having ALL the fun without me!

Heather said...

Awesome resolutions! I have to come up with some better ones now!

Thanks for the support, by the way. I would love to know what you have been doing to do so well. You look amazing!

Paige said...

Darlin', you have a knack for creating mental images that are frighteningly difficult to shake. Couple this with your clean nostril and...well, I'm glad we're neighbors.

deb said...

The Yippee Yahoo Region is priceless. We were talking about names for our parts the other day at work and came up with some good ones but this is way better. I'll pass it along to the ladies at work. Thanks

Momish said...

What a morning to end the year! Kinda sets you up for one rocking new year! I can't wait to see how you guys outdo yourselves. Should be very interesting. LOL!

Pendullum said...

Gives a whole new meaning to Afternoon Delight!!!

Dan said...

Happy New Year! I came over from Haute Mama's -- she's cool.

When I saw the title of the post I expected some photos! Drat! Oh well, Happy New Year anyway! ;)

karrie said...

They call it porking for a reason.

Happy New Year!

Jenny said...

Eat more cheese and get fatter. Can. not. stop laughing.

I'm so glad that I know you, you wonderful, insane chick.

Happy New Years to you and yours.

Fran said...

RUNNING WITH SCISSORS! I don't care HOW good that splatter guard is, that is RUNNING WITH SCISSORS! You'll be having fried wieners if you aren't careful!

Lisa said...

That didn't take long, did it? heehee...

Your hubby sounds so much like a friend of mine's hubby. Does he have a long-lost brother by the name of Nelson, perhaps?


Happy 2007. Good to hear you celebrated in a fun and healthy way by "exercising." heehee

Attila The Mom said...

I can't stop laughing! Hope you all have a very happy 2007!

hk said...

woo! That is funny - dangerous to the sensitive parts, splatter guard or no - but funny.

Happy New Year :)

Kristin said...

"Naked Bacon Frying"... is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Lotta said...

God bless naptime and attainable resolutions!

Manic Mom said...

Hilarious! I had a splashguard thingy once for bacon. Don't know what happened to it.

Sounds like our New Year's Days were quite similar!

It's amazing what a little luvin' can do to us beeyotches, huh?

Happy New Year!

Mel said...

HAH! Happy New Year to you, too. :)
As for nekkid bacon frying, I think it'd take an act of Congress to get me anywhere near frying bacon with nude bazooms... splatter guard or not.

Megan said...

Looking forward to some YYR action sooner than later. My OBGYN asked if we had "did the sex" (whispering in his middle eastern accent) last time I had my non-stress test at the hospital. I said "no, honey, not since this one was conceived". His eyes bugged out "oh, you will be busy in 2007!"
BTW, am now craving bacon. Thanks K.

wordgirl said...

You know...I think you've left me speechless this time. Between the naked bacon frying and the kid named paper and the references to getting poked during naptime...I can't possibly top it.

Nat said...

I read your blog all over the south this Christmas. That's how good it is. And also there was a point when I said to my husband, "Why can't I look like this?" and pointed to a picture of you.

Not a stalker, but still loving you and your writing........

heartinsanfrancisco said...

"Frying Bacon Naked" woule be a great title for a book. So good, in fact, that it wouldn't matter what the book was about. It would still sell like, um hotcakes. (With a side of bacon, of course.)

Happy New Year, y'all.

Malnurtured Snay said...

How very odd (and dangerous).

Happy New Year!

QueenieBadd said...

Woo hoo! Happy Naked Bacon Day!

mamatulip said...

I love my spatter guard. LOVE it.

Not enough to cook naked, though.

QT said...

I am truly speechless...about the nude bacon frying, that is. Getting poked in the YYR sounds like a grand way to end the year, tho ~ Congrats and Happy New Year!

Girl In Her Underwear said...

Ha ha ha! Afternoon delight! Those are the best. I can't believe I never thought of adding bacon. I also can't believe you're not the first blogger I've read that wanted to fry bacon naked!

Lux Lisbon said...

My first visit and I have to read about your yahoo.....

carrie said...

Oh, I really, really hope the splatter guard worked, I can't imagine if it didn't!!!!

Carrie

ps. I will now think of you next time I eat bacon, and that I should've been naked whilst cooking it, which will totally gross me out and I won't eat it, thus losing a million pounds, thank you so very much!!!! :)

ewe are here said...

heh heh

I'd dare my husband to do the same, but we live within vision of some neighbors at the moment and I'm afraid he'd do it!

Happy New Year!

Penny said...

I have a splatter guard. It's my best kitchen friend. Happy New Year!!

Kevin Charnas said...

EXCELLENT. We may have to get us one.
When we have a house, I want a pig. And Will said that I could, but we have to name it "Kevin Bacon".

Peg said...

I'm just about speechless.
Lovin' it.
Lovin' it.

seven said...

That reminds me of this video of the Smothers Brothers here... The part I'm talking about is at about 4:40.

Damselfly said...

This post needs an accompanying photo! ;)