Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Girls are Retired...and that is FINAL!

Last night K and I were practicing our horizontal parenting discipline by lying on The Mayor's carpet.

I don't mean to brag or anything, but we are
pretty marscapoining fantastic at horizontal parenting.

We can lie there on the floor like nobody's business.


We periodically yell things
like "Hey Mayor, stop messing with the fuse box!" and "Rooster, stop biting The Mayor soon, o.k.?"

Last night, The Mayor and Rooster Girl were climbing all over us and bouncing up and down on our over-full, just-ate-dinner stomachs.

OOF.


The Mayor decided to play doctor using a toy drum stick as a stethoscope.


He pulled up my shirt exposing my stomach and began pressing the end of the stick in various places.

[Gastro-intestinal grumpiness and general harrumph-itude.]

Without any warning, The Mayor shoved the drum stick up inside my bra and ground the end of it around and around on my poor, deflated, post-2-babies breast.

"GAH! What are you doing, Mayor?"

"Boobies, boobies, boobies! I'm checking your boobies, Mommy. Guess what? Milk is coming! They're working!"

Yeah, no.

The Girls are officially retired.

Their saggy, stretch-marked, tube-sock-ish selves are
in Florida sitting on cheap, plastic lawn chairs, drinking PBR and smoking cigarettes poolside for the duration.

24 comments:

Tabba said...

Are you sure you weren't looking at my chest? Not that I would mind ;) Because you described my boobies EXACTLY!
I just love coming here. Thanks for the chuckle!

The Medium Swede said...

Gotta love that Mayor!

Girl In Her Underwear said...

They're working...HAAAAAAAAAAA! No, they're retired! HAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAA
Funny people! When are you guys going to sign the contract for your reality t.v. show? You'd be a hit!

Mamma said...

There must be a hell of a retirement community where all the girls have gone. Though I'd say mine have migrated further south than FL. So sad.

While horizontal parenting the other day Mr. 4 jiggled my stomach and said "Mommy, you've got lots of milk."

Time to hit the gym!! {sigh}

Christina_the_wench said...

Mayor knows milk comes out of those things? Damn, that boy is smart!

Kevin Charnas said...

Well, at least they know what kind of beer to drink. At least it was Gennessee Cream Ale.

Kevin Charnas said...

I mean, "wasn't"..."was not", Genny Cream Ale.

queenbadmama said...

My girls are still waiting for their gold watch...and yet, they've still migrated south. I can't imagine how much further south they're going to go...someday I will probably look like Grandma Klump ("I got out of the shower and felt a sharp pain in my chest. I thought I was having a heart attack, but then I looked down, and I was standing on my own titty! With both feet!"). Yeah, that'll be me...

carmachu said...

Wow he's trained early. What, are you suprised, joy, your boy is showing interest in breasts? It never ends you know...

mcewen said...

One child, four children, it makes no odds, the net effect is the same - time to wear very wide collars at the neck [block your own viewpoint]
BEst wishes

mad muthas said...

thay've worked hard and served you well. they deserve their retirement. glad you're treating them so kindly in their dotage and not stuffing them full of silicone, like some ungrateful owners.

Christina said...

Picture this: I'm volunteering in my son's preschool class. They're reading Moo Baa Fa La La...Where does milk come from? asks the teacher.

Blueberry stands up and says, "From Mommy!!"

Oh dear...


Funny stuff as usual!!!

lildb said...

Funny. My pair thought they'd seen yours a few chairs over, recently, when I spoke with them via the telephone. In fact, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure they were all drinking margaritas with whiskey chasers and ogling the youngsters together (and can someone please tell me why my retired rack is having more fun than me?).

cheers.

mothergoosemouse said...

I think I need to go to Miami. But I'm leaving my girls at home.

Goosie and Mousie, I mean. The other two are coming with me.

jen said...

they start so young...

boobs smoking cigarettes. now THAT's a visual.

Momish said...

Boca boobs unite!

urban-urchin said...

Yes my ladies have retired and they got the golden parachute- hee.

I refer to mine as National Geographic boobs or tennis balls in tube socks.

Jennifer said...

Oh geez! I'm laughing my post-dinner belly & ass off over here! Have they so much as send a postcard? (your boobs...on vacation...in Florida?) Ha! You've got a smart cookie in Mayor - he feels your pain. Why else would he be trying to console you by saying that the milk is coming in? Gotta love that...

Mama's Moon said...

Oh geez! I'm laughing my post-dinner belly & ass off over here! Have they so much as send a postcard? (your boobs...on vacation...in Florida?) Ha! You've got a smart cookie in Mayor - he feels your pain. Why else would he be trying to console you by saying that the milk is coming in? Gotta love that...

KC said...

Horizontal parenting can be pretty great (and often necessary due to energy depletion and will removal), but that bouncing on the stomach damn near kills me every time. Unfortunately, my screams only encourage further innards crushing.

My boobs are definitely not working full days anymore after #1.

Penny said...

So that is where my breasts went! They must look like twins, yours and mine, sipping together, relaxed in that sun.

Perfect description. Absolutely perfect. LOL!

Moobs said...

Woah woah. Have a care ladies. If we men read the word boobs too many times in any 3 minute period our heads explode.

Pendullum said...

'My girls' are going to hang with yours at the Florida condo!!!

Izzy said...

"They're working!"

Sorry but that's the funniest damn thing I've heard all week.

"Horizontal parenting" is funny,too. Actually, we're experts at HP and we didn't even know it had a name.