Sunday, July 16, 2006

Richard Dawson, The Queen and Other Nobility

Today we find our heroine rather grumpily eating celery with salsa.

It is important to note that she is not eating CHIPS and salsa.

(EXPLETIVE!!!)

She tries to convince herself that there is something vaguely Bloody Mary-ish about celery and salsa.

When that fails, she tries telling herself that it's delicious, like Gazpacho.

Our poor, poor heroine.

What has brought her to such a low, low place?

It all started at breakfast yesterday when she realized she was out of the cardboard-esque crackers she's been eating and was forced to eat an actual piece of bread toasted with butter - sometimes referred to as toast.

As she suspected they would, in swooped the weight watchers points monitors shouting "TOO MANY POINTS. YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!" and Richard Dawson said:



Then there was the whole lunch time Chinese food debacle.

Again with the swooping in of the Monitors of Heft screaming, "TOO MANY POINTS WE TELL YOU!!! THERE WILL BE A PRICE TO PAY!" Richard Dawson gave our heroine the second:

X

Then there was an innocent salmon and spinach salad for dinner that some mean chef threw a handful of pecans and a piece of crumbled bacon into, rendering the whole salad a gross error in judgement.

The weight spies were beside themselves, yelling about the points. Richard Dawson provided the third and final strike.

X

The Seinfeld Soup Nazi said:




Her Royal Highness, The Queen of England said:



And the crowd went WILD:




Lady Flabina, overcome by the royals, developed a new embarrasing celebrity crush:




Meanwhile, back at the house of joy, an unsuspecting Googler from Brooklyn, New York stumbled upon this web site when searching on the words "home remedies for stab wounds."

(Probably because of this post.)

Lady Flabina would like to save the day for the guest from Brooklyn by suggesting this:


or perhaps this:

If you find these recommendations unduly harsh, please feel free to save the world from the further wrath of Lady Flabina by going directly to your kitchen, baking a berry cobbler and bringing it over because The Lady Flabina is HUNGRY.

35 comments:

Lotta said...

High fiving lady flabina. I'm going back on Atkins on Monday. Not cause I love meat, but because I am an impatient bitch and the fat freaking melts off when you eat nothing but eggs, green peppers and hamburgers. But I will always hold a lust in my heart for toast.

carmachu said...

*waves a bag of cookies in the air*

ah ha........they taste good....

melissa b. said...

I could NOT do Weight Watchers. By noon I was out of points. I commend you for trying. I couldn't do Atkins either because my dog, the meat all the time thing makes me nauseated. I try to exercise, but I suck and wimp out. So, I make tiny cakes and cookie dough to nibble all the damn time.

I am an asshole of weak constitution who cannot follow directions to save my ass (from going into its very own version of Jabba the Hut).

Oh, The Joys said...

By order of The Lady Flabina, Carmanchu is to be sent to the Tower of London and forced to live on nothing but Slimfast diet drinks for 4 weeks.

(No WONDER there's a web site called "Surviving Carmanchu"!!!)

floosen said...

Tooooaaaaassssttttt....with buuuuttttteeeerrr...and a nice ripe summer tomato and just a sprinkling of salt and pepper. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

Points SUCK. Do you think that lady that runs WW looks *HAPPY*? NO! She looks pinched, and hungry...it's all the watching!

Lady Flabina, I bow down to your efforts. Richard Dawson does too...here's a big smootch from Richard (swagger, swagger) for your efforts.

Sayre said...

Whoa! I was thinking about trying out the WW thing and now I am re-thinking....

carmachu said...

"(No WONDER there's a web site called "Surviving Carmachu"!!!)"


That, of course, is my wife's blog.....*grin*

But considering you just sent "Carmanchu"(poor guy) to the tower, instead of "carmachu"(no N), I'm safe for my continue my reign of snark arcoss the blogsphere.

*grin*

*waves a bag of potato chips at joy*

*bigger grin*

Oh, The Joys said...

Carmachichi - it is wholly unwise to triffle with The Honorable, Her Lady Flabina.

I scoff in the general direction of your greasy chip bag and ask you, where is my berry cobbler oh cheeky one?

Oh, The Joys said...

p.s. Harpy - TEENY TINY CAKES!!!! TEENY TINY CAKES!!! WOULD that there wer TEENY TINY CAKES within my reach.

Re: Jabba - HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!

carmachu said...

"I scoff in the general direction of your greasy chip bag and ask you, where is my berry cobbler oh cheeky one? "

Right here:

*smooshes berry cobbler in joy's face*

You got what you wanted, not what you asked for.....

Lily said...

The lemon and the salt had me cracking up. That is awesome!

carmachu said...

So I assume your a member of the FBNFA.....

Oh, The Joys said...

Huh?

Nikki said...

JOY! This is a most excellent post.

I giggled my ass off (much better than weight watchers)

Keep at the grind oh already skinny one. - I've seen your flicker.

carmachu said...

sure you want to know?



*grin*




FBNFA. That's the Fat Bastards Need Food Association......

Mel said...

Oh, hell, I'm surely a member of that august organization.
(BTW - cobbler - pheagh. If you're gonna dream, dream big... a Death By Chocolate Cake coated with dark chocolate ganache and sprinkled with walnuts.)
*Evil grin*

Irish Church Lady :) said...

Very funny post!

hautemama said...

I like your blog!! I'll be back (:

Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

celery sticks and salsa. very creative. will try that next time i want either a.) some food, or b.) a bloddy mary.

Lisa

Pendullum said...

I can not help myself...
I am chowing down on a Muesli bagel that is covered in chunks of unsalted butter...while reading you blog... however I do feel a tad guilty but then I think it is my rebellion from visiting my parents yesterday and the entire conversation was geared to how my dad was going on his latest diet... the GI Diet...
he is telling me all of this as he is drinking a Guiness, snorfing down chips, crackers and cheese...
But he is going on the diet tomorrow and we will all hear about how amazing it is...
the guy has been on every diet imaginable...
'Dad, just lay off the cakes, the cookies, chocolates and the crackers! is what to say I want to say but instead... get to just say 'ohhh, really about all the evil in food all around me...'
Boy this bagel is good...
Maybe I'll wash it down with a coffee...
Definitely not with the salt or the lemon and the elixir that normally goes hand in hand with said products...

Sayre said...

Aw... where'd Clay-head Charlie go?

Anna said...

YOU make me laugh. Thank you. I don't remember how I found you and got you in my RSS reader, but I'm so glad.

carmachu said...

Its not just lay off that stuff Pendullum. Its simple, but hard at the same time.

Small meals through the day, rather than big heavy ones. And simply stop eating when your full. Too many eat too much and overeat.

Do that and you'll do better....

Blonde Vigilante said...

If the lady is hungry the lady should eat. Fuck the points...I bet you used like 5 up just typing that post and find all those pictures and doctoring them up...I just know it. Everyone needs more cake in their lives.

Oh, The Joys said...

Blonde Vigilante Rocks. (Take NOTE carmachu!)

Mel - Cobbler! It's MY fantasy remember.

Harpy - TEENY TINY CAKES!!!

carmachu said...

*enters clueless man mode*

Take note of what? *grin*

Kristin said...

Dear Lady Flabina,

I think I love you. If I bring you cake, will you love me back?

Oh, The Joys said...

Kristen and the whole wide blog-o-sphere:

Her Ladyship The Flabina loves all readers of this silly drivel - except Carmachu. Carmachu is in deep negativo sans-a-cake doo doo.

xo,
LF

carmachu said...

Yes! Another unhappy customer! Annoying folks all over the blog sphere.....

*waves a chocolate cake at Her Ladyship*

Na na na na......

lildb said...

I got some cookies today at the store, your highness... could I tempt your elegant taste buds with one or many?

I heart cookies.

Christina_the_wench said...

Hello Lady Flabina, Nice to meet your royal highness. I got Goldfish crackers. No chocolate or baked goods. *hangs head in shame*

Richard Dawson is the devil btw.

Tracie said...

Oh my Royal Lady Flabina....could you spare some berry pie for a girl who has already eaten popcorn adn milk duds and just isn't ready to call it quits yet?

Great Richard Dawsom pictures!

Kevin Charnas said...

Richard Dawson was always drunk. I think that bastard knew something we didn't...
That celery and salsa is wonderful...if you add vodka.

Oh, The Joys said...

Cobbler! For all my friends!

Domestic Chicky said...

OMG-you crack me up. My points friendly snack is currently cucumbers in vinegar with a little salt & pepper. I feel your pain sistah-friend!