Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Confessions of The Celebrity Crush Lame-O

Today is the day I am going to CONFESS to my celebrity crush lameness. It all began in 1973 with a crush on Robin from Batman and Robin. I mean, what six year old girl could resist WONDERBOY? Not me. Look:

The mask, the tights... I was undone.

While Tomi Lynn, my best f
riend and across the street neighbor, fell asleep at night dreaming of Donny Osmond and how she was going to grow up to knit him pair after pair of purple socks, I was dreaming that I was made special assistant to Batman and Robin.

As special assistant to Batman and Robin (mostly Robin!) I got to wear a bunny suit (not a
playboy bunny suit you PERV, a fuzzy, Easter Bunny sort of bunny suit) because that is what ALL six year old special assistants to super heroes wear when they drive around in the Bat Mobile helping to solve crimes.

I entertained this little fantasy night after night.. unless I was mad at Tomi Lynn. If I was mad at her I would alternatively dream that Donny Osmond
had a plane crash landing in my backyard. While I was nursing him back to health in the shed I would NOT let Tomi Lynn see him. HA! Take THAT Tomi!

But Robin was not to be mine. Apparently, he was already
taken.


A few years later my friends Kimmy and Theresa introduced Tiger Beat and I got a huge poster of this hot 1970's teen action:


It was really hard to decide whether to put up the Leif Garrett's poster or the fuzzy poster of the kitten that glowed in black light.

(I faced very difficult childhood decisions.)

Leif taught me that I should
"Keep Away from Run Around Sue," but I should've been keeping away from Leif. Look what happened to him:


Next came a DEEP crush on Ralph Macchio. I can't even apologize for it because if you close your eyes, go back in time and imagine yourself a thirteen year old girl and then open your eyes and see this:


You will be weak and powerless to his evident early 1980's hotness.

Though it was his orphaned, loner character on the show "Eight is Enough" that originally sunk me, I was still thinking that he could show me how to "wax on, wax off" at any time, anywhere in the Karate Kid days.

Next came Superman. I mean, LOOK at him in 1984. Gaaaaaah.



Unfortunately, in the eighties there was a brief and embarrasing thing about Miami, t-shirts under linen sports coats and dark sunglasses that I am mortified to admit to you, but...

Horror of horros! I look at Mr. Johnson (heh heh) today and feel true celebrity crush REMORSE and SHAME.

Next is a shadowy period in my life where I don't really remember distinct celebrity crushes. This is probably because I was doing bad things... like staying with my delicate flower of a
southern Granny for the summer, going out drinking with my cousins and complying with my Granny's wish that I not have more than one beer by selecting a 40-ounce of Old Milwaukee.

BUT. I do have one more confession to make. Confessions of the Celebrity Crush Lame-O brings you a final double whammy from the Fox Network...

Ah, YES! Seth and Ryan. Both half my age. Both at the same time. I am so lame.

There. I've done it. I've CONFESSED to my celebrity crush lameness history. Now it is your turn. I know you are not free of celebrity crush lameness so CONFESS and FREE YOURSELF!!!


22 comments:

Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

Ooooh la la. Quite a stellar romantic past. Mine was Steve Martin. Sigh.

Lisa

Anonymous said...

I am complimented by being called a delicate southern flower and now have been challenged by my strong willed grandaughter to prove I can leave a comment. (hope it works!)

Mel said...

GASP!
You got your grandmother to comment!
You rule!

As for celebrity shame, mine were "Face" from the A Team, both the Duke boys from Dukes of Hazzard, Axl Rose, Sebastian Bach from the band Skid Row (OMG, have you seen him on that megaband show? Can you say "bloated gross has-been"?), and others whose names I cannot utter for the sake of all humankind.

Oh, The Joys said...

To my delicate southern granny who has proven she can comment on a blog... you know all too well that my "strong willed" nature is DIRECTLY inherited from you. XOXOXO!

Pendullum said...

I am going to do a blog on my first crush as it is a loooooonnnng story...
But I have a short one on a gal pal of mine...
She convinced me to go see Donny Osmond as he was in Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat and she had a friend in the show... She did not tell me she had a crush on him as a kid...
Well, after the show, my galpal, the toughest barmaid I know, who all blues stars know HER name, and I went backstage congratulated her friend on the performance... and then Donny walked in... or should I say, Don, as that is what he calls himself...
I shook his hand told him it was a great show...
And then he goes to shake my galpal's hand...
SHE FORGOT THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!!!!!!
She just kept on smiling and babbling, she wouldn't let go of his hand, she just kept on grinning and saying Lord knows what as I do not speak Psycho...
But there you have it...

carmachu said...

Wow, some of those are bad.....*grin*


My secret, never to be revealed current one is the Halliwell sisters from Charmed. All three.....

theresa said...

I hate to admit it, but I had a huge crush on Jerry Lewis....

Panda said...

I will SO roll you for the OC boys!

Brendan Fraser. Mmmmm...meat group.

And what the hell happened to Leif?

Kevin Charnas said...

you are one brave woman...

I knew that I was in trouble when I had a crush of Heath Barkley (Lee Majors) AND his sister, Audra Barkley (Linda Evans) from "The Big Valley".
Watching them both, I about tore off my 7 year old pants and ran down the street screaming my head off.
Your Grandma doesn't READ the comments, does she?

floosen said...

I had a thing for the boy wonder as well...always wanted to be catgirl when I was naughty and wonderwoman when nice ;)


My crushes faves included Billy Idol, Duran Duran (the whole lot of them except for the one that wore too much makeup). The boys from Duran Duran had *lots* to do with my understanding of sensuality...I mean, all of those jungle scenes...please!

Oh, The Joys said...

Oh, these are GOOD.

Panda - Leif is shown in the ugly picture in his jail outfit where he was serving time for cocaine. I hate to say it, but were he and James Frey separated at birth or something????

Sayre said...

Huh. I commented this morning and I guess blogger ate it.

When I was younger, it was David Cassidy and Bobby Sherman. My teen years were full of real-life guys and I can't remember any celeb crushes.

Now that I am a "mature" 44, it's Sam Elliott, Johnny Depp, Sean Connery, and yup - Steve Martin. Those guys are seriously hot!

wondy woman said...

Oh god where to start? Keifer Sutherland, Kevin Costner (ugh), Robert Smith, Sylvester Stallone (actually, he still has a special place in my heart).

Now, it's Tony Soprano, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Joaquin Pheonix, Bill Nighy.

God that feel better

*Phew!*

and breathe...

Thanks!

Sayre said...

My second brother looked way too much like Christopher Reeve to have a crush on him....

Nikki said...

Sam Elliott - sexy sexy old fucker right there.

Sayre said...

Lucky me... my husband's got a bit of Sam in him!

Elaine said...

I have lots of TV boyfriends but my fave (currently) is Josh Holloway from Lost--GRRRR!

Oh, The Joys said...

TV boyfriends!! I love that. My current TV boyfriend is the CSI Las Vegas guy George Eads who plays Nick Stokes. Yummy.

Your Aunt Nancy said...

Someone else slavers over Bill Nighy? Say it isn't so--that one's mine. When I was wee it was the older brother on Flipper. Then Dr. Kildare and Jeff from the Donna Reed Show. (Dating myself!). Then Herman of the Herman's Hermits. Then real boys. As I aged, the men had to be interesting looking or dangerous-looking like John Malkovich, Christopher Walken, and Willem Defoe. Then of course, the older men--Paul Newman (your Granny didn't add any crushes but I know for a fact that PN in HUD made her dizzy), Robert Redford, Sean Connery, and Richard Harris.

Oh, The Joys said...

Best friend and across the street neighbor (whom I still know) weighed in, but she did it through e-mail and I just HAVE to post her trail post Donny Osmond:

From Tomi: "Very funny! I was trying to remember who came between Donny Osmond and Simon LeBon in my crush cycle. I think I like Sean Cassidy for a fleeting moment. And Then of course there was Hans Solo! I don't think I have ever given up the Harrison Ford crush. After Simon, I felll for Dale Murphy of the Braves. Then it was George Michael until I found out we hit for the same team. Then it was Russell Crowe. And now mmmmhhh, I guess my favorite guy is either Peyton Manning or Orlando Bloom. Yummy."

I especially like Han Solo!

Alice in Wonderbread said...

OK OK- my turn to confess too.

Number One Sexiest Man of All Time: Christopher Walken.

I mean, c'mon. A guy who can play mafioso numero uno, and still tapdance in a Fat Boy Slim video and look like a masculine bad boy? And then demand more cow bell from the Blue Oyster Cult? Ohhhh....wow. Wowie wow wow.

OK- that's my adult crush.

My girlhood crush is ultimately geeky. Are you ready for this?

Sherlock Holmes.

Tall, lean, hawk nose, English accent, and smarter than the Scotland Yard and able to disseminate a killer by a kind of mud. Take me away.


And my ideal of a sexy man who's actually accessible? Neil Gaiman. Fantasy writer. Combines my childhood love with a subtle danger. OO baby.

Then of course, there's Robert Downey Junior, Still Hot After All These Years (and drugs).

There's nothing sexier to me than raw talent, an angular face, and a dark side competing with a sense of humor.

Alice in Wonderbread said...

oh oh and p.s. I realize Christopher Walken is way too old.

Goddammit.

I keep waiting for his thirtysomething replacement.

But my generation has yet to find a man of his ilk. Any contenders you see?? Lemme know!